A-Muse-ing

This week, D. Wallace Peach of  Myths of the Mirror challenged her readers to write about their muses. She has many, all with distinct personalities, and the one who appeared to her cut quite an imposing figure. My muse, on the other hand, isn’t corporeal, doesn’t have a name, and annoys the hell out of me.

Cue frenetic electric guitar.

A screaming howl rising to a crescendo.

I can’t stand it, I know you planned it…

Me (groggy): What the f*ck…?
Muse: Hello!
Me: Why are you making me listen to Sabotage at 3 o’clock in the morning?!
Muse: You weren’t asleep anyway. You had an idea and you need to write it down.
Me: No, it’s fine. I’ll remember it in the morning.
Muse: No you won’t. Write it down.
Me: It was only two damned lines. I’ll remember it.
Muse: That’s what you said last time. Then you went back to sleep and when you woke up in the morning, you couldn’t remember the fantastic idea you had. It was only mediocre, if I’m being completely honest, but you were still really furious with yourself.
Me: But I’m all warm and snuggly.
Muse: WRITE IT DOWN.
Me: Fine! Where’s my damn phone? There…are you happy? And since we’re both up, any ideas for the blog this week?
Muse: Two words. Weird clock.
Me: Oh right! You’re the best muse.
Muse: I know, right? Now that you’re wide awake, do you want to discuss the sequel to The Dome? Any more progress on Chapter 2?

Luckily, I was saved from the rest of that conversation when Atlas decided to throw up. As for Weird Clock, no, it’s not one of mine. Get ready for more Facebook ads that make no sense:

1) Weird Clock

I can only imagine the conversation regarding the existence of this particular item:

Guy: Hey honey, I think I’m going to sell this weird clock. It’s so small that I can’t see the time from over here.
Wife: Well, it’s no use to us. Do you think anyone would even pay good money for it? I mean, the only way you could even see what time it is would be to wear it on your arm or something.
Guy: On your arm?! What a ridiculous idea. Who on earth would want to do THAT?
Wife: We’ll be lucky to get 2 dollars for it.

2) Room For Rent in a Workout Basement

And you thought a gym membership was expensive! $550 a month and be forced to work out on top of that? No thank you! My only question is “Where’s the workout equipment?” All I see are two boxsprings and two mattresses. Is it a trampoline workout? Because that ceiling is REALLY low.

3) W.w.1 Gift Box

Is it the shadow of a grenade? Is it an extreme close-up? Is the person being purposefully mysterious? Because there’s another picture and it’s exactly the same as this one. Even the description below just says W.w.1 gift box. Is it a box that contains a gift from World War 1 or—hear me out—is it a box that CONTAINS World War 1?:

Guy 1: Hey, I got you a present!
Guy2: Ooh, what is it?
Guy 1: Well, you know how you’re always talking about how much you like war?
Guy 2 (excited): Yes…
Guy 1: I got you one of your own!! It’s an original!

4) Jullery Box

Perfect for holding all your jullery.

5) Brass candle holders for carriage or hearse with eagle tops

Not only is it the longest title for an ad, I think it’s a little misleading. That puppy is NOT made of brass and I don’t see any damn eagle tops anywhere. I know you’re not allowed to sell pets on Facebook Marketplace, but if you’re going to try anyway, couldn’t you just advertise the puppy as Con Rear Stairs? Or a Temporary Sheep/Goat Fence?

60 thoughts on “A-Muse-ing”

  4. I cut the straps off a weird clock (Which I guess technically makes it less weird), attach it to a string with a badge clip, and keep it in my pocket to tell the time at work since I’m one of those people who don’t carry a weird phone. I get some weird looks from the millennials when I pull my weird clock out to check the time…

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  6. Your muse is……AMAZING!!! She’s probably asleep as you write this, but I’m only speculating. She definitely has goos taste, I’m mean Sabotage? Hello, genius!! I find almost all ads on FB are weird, and I don’t even have a FB page, lol.

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    • Yes, she was up all night so she’s gone back to bed, leaving me to try and write witty comments without her! FB is a weird place–it never ceases to amaze me how these ads, which are obviously typos, stay up for weeks without the person realizing or correcting it!

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  9. Something tells me your muse and my muse spend a lot of time drinking together. Or maybe they’re doing the social distancing thing so they communicate over Zoom about ways to wake us up with ideas that sound great in the middle of the night but that just don’t hold up in the light of day.
    Although you’ve reminded me of the Obvious Plant guy who purposely makes bizarre things that he puts in stores–like a bag of toy horses he labeled “Weird Dogs”. And you’ve got the song “Wig In A Box” from Hedwig & The Angry Inch stuck in my head. So that’s okay.
    Anyway I believe all this was to mislead us from the fact that Atlas really is your muse. He certainly amuses everyone.

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  11. The fact that I pissed away the first 6 months of this year taking a veterinary assistant course that may never translate into employment wasn’t a total waste, because I can solve at least one mystery for you today. “Brass candle holders for carriage or hearse with eagle tops” is the actual breed of dog you see there on the Facebook Marketplace. Knowledge is power!

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  13. What gives with these ads you find online? Is Canada possibly weird?er than the US? Oh. Never mind. That is a rhetorical question.
    Okay. I started wearing my wrist watch again this year. Just easier than the phone. Thanks for the laughs. Your dog is so handsome.

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  18. I loved the jullery one best! What a laugh!  I don’t do FB and I know why.  Those middle of the night thoughts are the worst and of course I forget them!  One time years ago, long before I knew what a blog was, I wrote a long poem in the dark.  I was married at the time and had a pen and tablet next to the bed.  I wrote and wrote, seemingly greatly inspired. The next morning I picked it up to read and after the first few lines my pen had run out of ink so only the impression of writing was seen.  I tried the old trick of trying to raise it by rubbing a pencil over it, no luck.  Hey, it could have been great!🤪Have a nice week!😅

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad

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  20. When your muse tells you to write down the two sentences in the middle of the night, based on my experience, you’d best write them down. As for the Facebook ads, they made for a very funny blog post, but I’ll continue to use my Facebook ad blocker.

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  24. Are our muses hanging out together? Because mine is a night owl too! Usually, the best thoughts/sentences come to me when I’m too dead tired to pull the laptop out. WHY do they insist on being like college-aged children who come alive at 11 p.m.?

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  27. Pingback: Meet the Muse Wrap Up | Myths of the Mirror

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