Driving Cats And Demon Dolls

I was driving home from work one day last week, and I called Ken. This is a feat unto itself, as I have to yell “Kenneth” into my steering wheel and then contend with the voice-calling woman who inevitably says “Did you say ‘Kenneth’?” and it doesn’t matter how many times or how loud I say it, I always have to reassure her that I did, indeed, mean Kenneth. So while I was waiting for the phone to connect, I was stopped at a red light and I happened to glance over at the car next to me just as Ken picked up.

Ken: Hey, are you on your way home?
Me: OH MY GOD!

Because in the driver’s seat of the car next to me, there was A CAT. And it was the cutest cat, a little orange tabby, and it was sitting on the lap of the woman driving the car, but the way she and the cat were sitting, it looked like the cat was DRIVING. The cat was staring straight ahead like it was waiting for the light to change and whatnot, and as I was staring at it in full worship mode, the cat turned to look at me out the driver’s side window. So I did what any normal person would do—I smiled my best smile and waved to the cat. The cat smiled back, although it didn’t wave, which is normal because everyone knows how important it is to keep both hands/paws on the steering wheel at all times, a rule that I don’t always adhere to when there ARE CATS. But the woman upon whose lap the cat was sat DID smile and wave back, which confused me because I wasn’t waving TO HER. But then I realized that she was obviously friends with the cat and if I wanted to get in good with the cat, I should probably be nice to her, so I nodded to her in a congenial way then turned my attention back to the cat and mouthed, “Hey!” And then the cat kind of meowed in response, at which point I realized that Ken was talking to me and was very worried that I wasn’t answering. Because I was TALKING TO THE CAT, KEN.

Then the light turned green and we drove off, and then I was really sad.

Me: I’ll never see that cat again.
Ken: But you made a good impression.
Me: I hope so.

My aunt’s cat, Rupert. He would drive if you let him.

In other news, I was recently searching online for a floor lamp (they are literally impossible to find, and I have this giant stained-glass lampshade that I got for free so if I can find a lamp base for it, I’d be so thrilled) when I came upon this bizarre ad.

The owner of the doll is definitely not too old for dolls, considering that the spelling and grammar are those of a six-year-old—in fact, I think the problem is that the doll is too old for HER because it looks like it’s lived a very long and complex life. And the pictures—seriously, isn’t this the kind of doll that would murder you in your sleep just for sh*ts and giggles?

“What’s that hiding in the tree?”

“Oh, that’s Marnie—she wants to cut out your tongue and eat your liver, but don’t worry—she can’t run very fast, so you can get a good head start.”

Of course, I’ve been watching that show Yellowjackets, so now I’m suspicious of anything that looks like a teenaged girl, and Marnie reminds me of ALL OF THEM. And although I’ve dubbed her ‘Marnie’, her name, according to the ad, is Ginger Hair Baby Doll, which is kind of a stripper name when you think about it, like “Please welcome to the stage—Ginger-Hair Baby Doll! And remember folks, she possesses demon powers so make sure you tip big!”

And now that I’ve posted this, I have to get ready to take Kate to a city several hours away where she’ll be moving in with her boyfriend and starting her new career as a veterinary technician. We have a 15-foot U-Haul and two cars full of stuff–I just wish we had a cat who could help with the driving.

31 thoughts on “Driving Cats And Demon Dolls”

  1. When I have to take Ody to the vet, there is no sitting nice and smiling at passing cars…. he’s full on demon cat mode. I’m lucky if I can make the short trip without having numerous body parts shredded….

    Now I might take the doll out for a ride just to mess with people’s heads…..

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  2. Well that does sound like a great feline encounter. I would have done a double take and then questioned my sanity, lol. Charlie does not like riding in cars, he too turns demon cat when I have to take him to the vet. Kate is already a vet tech!? Wow, where does the time go, right? You must be so proud, I know I would be. My son is studying to be a pharmacist tech. Although, he might change his mind as he always does 🙄.

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  4. There was a running SNL sketch in the ‘80’s of a driving cat who always drove the car off a cliff or something that ended in the deaths of all the passengers. It never made sense to me because cats are smart and I’m sure would be capable drivers if they could reach the pedals, which is why they need a human to help them.
    Also that doll has to be cursed. The owner is only pretending to be six because Marnie can’t be sold. She has to be taken willingly by someone else. That’s the only way to escape the curse.

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  5. I find the whole thing deeply disturbing. What’s the . . . I mean, is Ginger Hair Baby Doll levitating, here in this picture? Or is this from a family member documenting when she was thrown out the third story dormer window, and the subsequent process of her working her way back into the house? And is there a baby-proof latch on the knife drawer?
    But, now, the cat is something! I say this because we had a cat named Toonces who could drive a car–not starting and stopping, mind you, but good enough to keep you in the lane while you hunted for something in the glove box or the back seat. People reacted positively at the sight, I think, and were always honking as Toonces threaded his way through traffic. Anyway, I always thought he would be a formidable driver if he had opposable thumbs.

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  7. Driving dogs, maybe. Raccoons, certainly. Primates of all kinds, sure. Cats? Like lazy teenage girls who never learned to drive. “I need a ride to the outlet stores, there’s a sale on cushy beds.” “You’ve eight already.” /feline glare/ “One can never have enough cushy beds.”

    M3GAN-like Gingers will surely arrive soon. Robert Cargill’s Day Zero, an apocalyptic story of robotic rebellion, depicts cyborg ginger cats the size of mountain lions as nannies for children. It doesn’t end well for most kids.

    Empty-nester, eh? Time to downsize. Or take in a boarder or three. Maybe become a shelter for cats. Drive your Lab nuts.

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    • Or, I don’t know. Maybe doll collecting. They can fill up two or three bedrooms before you know it, and they’re good company because they know what you’re thinking. But you don’t know what they’re thinking.
      Otherwise, it wouldn’t be any fun, would it?

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  8. Congrats on your daughter’s new career. I bet she has something to say about driving cats. Also, this seems like a good title and plot for a movie: Driving Cat vs. Demon Doll. My money is on the cat to take the demon doll out. Or does the cat become possessed in the end and then quickly drives itself off a cliff? Mona

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  10. Congrats to Kate on the new job and best wishes to you all for an efficient, safe, human-drivers-only move. People in my city drive like it’s blood sport (which it often actually is), so maybe feline drivers aren’t the threat I’d have thought previously.

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  12. Wow – those are huge life changes: new job, moving in with BF, and moving away – and sorry to hear all this will be several hours away. 😦

    As for the driving cat, I was not at all surprised. It always seemed to me orange cats have the most personality.

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