Lost In Translation

You may remember that Ken and I recently turned part of our house into a space for a Writer’s Retreat and it turned out beautifully. But the one thing I really wanted, the secret library door, had proven to be logistically not possible. The weight of the books alone would make the door possibly pull off its hinges, and other options, like buying books and cutting them down so only the spines were attached was financially not feasible. But then I was on Amazon and saw this amazing wallpaper/sticker type deal that looked like books on a shelf and was long enough that it could be simply stuck to the door, giving the illusion of a bookshelf that would hide the entrance to the library/writing room. I ordered it and it arrived last week. It was in a long tube, so I unrolled it. You may be shocked to learn that it wasn’t quite what I expected.

Me: Those books are REALLY big, like bigger than what a book should be.
Ken: They didn’t look that big in the Amazon picture.
Me: I don’t know if this is going to fool anyone.
Ken: I can always put molding on it to make it seem like there are real shelves…

Some of the books had plain spines, but some of them had titles. And then I started looking closely at the book titles…

Me: What kind of book title is this? ‘Tales Of Homeopathic Gherkin’?!
Ken: This one says, ‘Conquest and Mushroom’. I don’t think these are real books.
Me: I’m inclined to agree.

The titles of the books were all, with one exception, absolutely bizarre, like someone had taken perfectly normal book titles and then translated them into another language, and then translated them back, like the way the movie Twister was translated into Run! Run! Cloudzilla! in Chinese . The one exception was King of Darkness, which could very well be someone’s take on Lord of the Flies or Dracula or something like that. But I thought, just in case anyone asked, that I should have a synopsis of each of these books so that we wouldn’t take any flack for our cheap and obviously reverse-translated weird-ass secret library wall. So here are the books that grace the entrance to the writing retreat, and here’s what they’re about:

1) Tales of Homeopathic Gherkin

This charming collection of stories focuses on a young man in a bit of a pickle after eschewing traditional medicine in favour of herbal remedies. That is, until he comes across Sally Zucchini, an Italian naturopath who shows him the joys of a good brine bath. It’s a truly ‘dill’-ightful read.

2) Brave Slipper

Brave Slipper is the story of ‘the other slipper’—the one Prince Charming DIDN’T try to jam on Cinderella’s foot. Alone and bereft of her partner, the crystalline orphan embarks on a rescue mission to save her sibling from being ground up, melted, and turned into a bong.

3) Conquest and Mushroom

Speaking of bongs, this fun romp centres on a troop of conquistadors who experience a group hallucination after imbibing some homeopathic fungi. Believing that they are now famous disco dancers, they take the world by storm with their ‘hustle’.

4) Spell Ingredients

I-N-G-R-E-D-I-E-N-T-S

5) Dawn Fly Stuff

In the vein of Apocalypse Now, this intense war retrospective was made famous by the line, “There’s nothing like the smell of RAID in the morning.”

6) Sapphire of Magical Sniper

Raised in a small village on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean, Steve The Sorcerer finds fame when he discovers the Holy Sapphire of Sparta. Using its magical powers to destroy his enemies, mostly other two-bit magicians and by destroy, we mean reveal how they do their card tricks, Steve becomes known as the Magical Sniper (and also, ‘that dick, Steve’). Until the Sapphire is stolen by his arch-nemesis, Vlad the Impersonator, a pseudo-magician slash ventriloquist who hides the precious gemstone in his dummy, also named Steve. When Steve goes missing (the dummy, not the dick), the whole world of magic is in an uproar. Will Steve be found in time to help Vlad get on Canada’s Got Talent? Stay tuned!

7) 2037

The year is 2037. Suzanne finally has her secret library room…

53 thoughts on “Lost In Translation”

  2. I once entertained the whimsical notion of installing a door to my writing sanctuary, fashioned after the iconic Tardis from Dr. Who, right here in our home. Yet, I’m confronted with a couple of formidable challenges. To begin with, my abilities in woodworking are, frankly, nonexistent. Furthermore, the search for a contractor in our area who embraces working with a same-sex couple—my wife and I proudly stand together as such—proves to be a Herculean task. Fortuitously, I crossed paths with a wonderfully open-minded contractor from New York, willing to make the journey to assist us. On another note, while I pride myself on my proficiency in welding, the sheer thought of the weight of a Tardis constructed from steel sheets leaves me pondering. Nevertheless, I hold onto the hope that, someday, my dream will materialize into reality.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

      • Of course such door decals exist, silly. However, it must be noted that subtlety and I are scarcely acquainted. At one time, I toyed with the notion of introducing a miniature train, reminiscent of those found in theme parks, to our farm. This proposal was met with laughter by my wife, who deemed it extravagantly whimsical. My thoughts then ventured towards installing an actual freight locomotive on our premises. Ultimately, we reached a delightful compromise of having G-Scale model trains throughout our home as decoration.

        Liked by 3 people

        Reply

  3. The distinct lack of articles in those titles definitely reeks of bad translations, as it reminds me of those old video game manuals for the Nintendo. That doesn’t explain where Homeopathic Gherkin came from though, but I hope a rock band takes that name up someday!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  5. The funniest part is all of these books sound at least somewhat plausible. We have several bottles of “pickle juice” which, I kid you not, is exactly what it says and great for treating muscle cramps. And the Mayans carved mushrooms into their temple walls because apparently the fungi were very important for rituals. Spanish invaders put an end to that. You may also be familiar with Eleanor Cameron’s Mushroom Planet books for young readers. In the second book a man plans to colonize the Mushroom Planet.
    Your door also reminded me of James Dickey whose house was stuffed with books. I had a teacher who knew him and she said you could pick up any of the books at random and he’d supposedly tell you all about it. I say “supposedly” because Dickey was a creative guy and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d just make up a story for books he hadn’t read.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  8. In case you ever want to upgrade: Out of curiosity, I did a quick search. Apparently, Etsy has an entire subculture of “fake books” many of which designed for just your application.

    What’s missing of course are your own titles, maybe those of Baxter House & DWL Publishing… No doubt those are ensconced within some more notable case of honor.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  11. Sounds like the bookcase of lost titles. Come Christmas, some printer apprentice shows up to lead the books to Santa (because, you know, they start flying off the shelves) so Santa can deliver them to bookworms around the world. Adventure ensues and the books end up saving her.

    Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  19. I love it. I thought the candles were connected to hidden mechanical devices such that when lifted caused the door to rotate open. (“Put. The. Candle. Beck.””)

    I wrote a short story (it’s around here some place) featuring an old, sprawling three-story farm house with a hidden, windowless library on the third floor surrounded by other rooms and accessible only through the rear of one of the closets. One installment of a larger work entitled “The Adventures of Laslo as a Boy.”

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a comment