Recently, the secret agency took on a group of summer students. They’re a delightful bunch, young, enthusiastic and eager to learn. I like to check in on them every so often to make sure they’re doing ok, and last week one of them said to me, “Yes, it’s been great so far. But it was so weird–did you know, I had to swear an oath to the Queen?” And I was like, “Oh yeah–we all did that. It’s no biggie–it just means that if she needs you, you have to fly over to England. Sometimes she gets lonely. A couple of years ago, I got the call and when I got there, all she wanted was someone to listen to her gripe about Philip. Apparently he snores and spends WAY too long in the bathroom.” The girl looked at me in shock so I had to explain that I was kidding. But it reminded of me of how I reacted when I first hired at the secret agency and took the oath myself…
Before I started the job, I had to meet first with my Human Resources contact to fill in a lot of paperwork. We were filling in the usual forms—contact information, computer log-ins, keys, and other stuff, when she said, “Oh—although we’re a secret agency, you’re technically a public servant, so you have to take an oath of allegiance.” She said this kind of matter-of-factly, like I took oaths every day. (This is the beginning of me going off on a very long tangent, so sit back and enjoy.) Actually, I HAD just taken an oath recently, because that December, I fought a traffic ticket. I got nailed by a red light camera going through an intersection on the red light. BUT, to be fair, I was only going 40 km/hour, and didn’t think it was right that I had to pay almost $400 for NOT running a red light, but more like sauntering through it—honestly, I just didn’t see it, which I know is a lousy excuse, but I felt like someone needed to know that I am NOT by nature a red-light runner. So I went to traffic court, where they give you the option of swearing to tell the truth by either putting your hand on a bible, or by just saying it VERY SINCERELY without the bible. I opted for the latter, since I don’t think that anyone’s god particularly cares whether or not I lie in traffic court. Plus, they had a picture of my SUV and my licence plate actually IN the intersection where the light is clearly red, so there would be no point in lying anyway, since I was caught dead to rights. What could I possibly say? “Your Honour, this picture is obviously photoshopped. Your James Bond-ish hightech team is super-clever, but that’s not my truck.”? Long story short, it turns out I didn’t even need to be apologetic, because before I got to say anything, the court officer immediately announced, “We’re reducing your fine to $150.” I felt like he kind of stole my thunder, but I was in no position to complain. Then I had to go in front of the judge and plead guilty, but I qualified it thusly, “Guilty, your honour, but I didn’t mean to do it.” And the judge dismissed the case “with costs” and I wondered if that would also work for more serious crimes, like “Yes, your honour, I stole the puppy from the pet store, but I didn’t mean to do it. Look, he’s so snuggly” and the judge would be like “I completely understand. Give me one hundred dollars. So what are you going to call him?” But that would lead to anarchy, with people stealing puppies everywhere and whatnot, and also I would call him Alistair.
Anyway, so there I was, wondering what kind of oath the Human Resources person was talking about. Was it an oath where I promised not to look at porn or run an online dating service on my work computer? Because I have no problem with that kind of oath, since I have no interest in doing either, and can’t imagine what kind of person WOULD think this is OK to do at work. But wait—it was NOT that kind of oath. It was a pledge of allegiance to the Queen. Not a queen like Guinevere or Latifah, or the band Queen, or even a Disney Queen (by the way, I just googled Disney Queens and one of the search hits was “Why Drag Queens are better role models than Disney Queens”. I am DEFINITELY going back to read that one later.) No, it was THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND. Actually, I had a choice—I could either pledge my allegiance to “the Queen and all her heirs in the eyes of god”, or I could just pledge my allegiance to old Lizzy herself. So I chose the latter, again on the premise that I don’t believe that anyone’s god particularly cares about my relationship with an aging monarch. But the pledge was very vague, and I didn’t know what the ramifications of all this might be. What exactly are my responsibilities? If she commands my presence in England as one of her loyal subjects will she pay for the flight, or is that just one of the expenses that go along with being one of her servants? If she gets in a Twitter war with the Queen of Jordan, do I have to post nice things about her in her defence? Or worse, post mean things about the Queen of Jordan (who seems like a kind of cool queen herself)? Babysit all those grandkids? Walk the Corgis? So I guess the next time she’s having trouble picking out a hat for the Queen’s Ball or whatever, I might have to be there to help out. I mean, I took an OATH.
That whole oath to the queen is so weird. Why isn’t it to the government and people of Canada? Like our stupid national anthem, which really feels inclusive to republican-leaning atheists. God Save the Queen, indeed. “Dear imaginary character, please ensure a rich person I’m not interested in is safe.”
Meh. I worked for the police and never had to swear an oath.
LikeLiked by 4 people
I know–it was a surprise to me too. I guess because she’s our official head of state? But I love the way you put it–kind of takes the oath down a peg!
LikeLiked by 1 person
She’s our official head of state too. You Canadians take things too seriously. The UK on the other hand is veering off into absolute lunacy 😜
LikeLiked by 2 people
We ARE a very serious and apologetic people. Sorry.
LikeLiked by 2 people
A wonderful tale. God save the Queen, and her subjects. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Especially her Canadian ones lol!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Seriously? You take an oath to the Queen? That seems weird to me. I would definitely walk her Corgis. I miss my Dorgi… Dashund/Corgi mix.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes, really—all the secret agents do it😉. A Dash/Corgi? I’ll bet that’s adorable!
LikeLike
I assume the secret agency has a British connection and that this is common practice “across the pond.” I mean, if it were a Chinese company or, say, SONY, it wouldn’t make much sense. I’m always a bit hesitant to swear allegiance or swear at all in courts and business. I never know when it will come back to bite me later. But in the grand scheme of things, the queen doesn’t seem that risky.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Nah, she’s pretty easygoing. When we rent cars, we also have to rent them in her name!
LikeLike
That was friggin’ awesome. Of course, over here, our orange monarch has rendered the taking of an oath utterly meaningless, so I wouldn’t sweat it, if I were you. They should add a third option of taking an oaf. If that’s your choice, they surrender a big, stupid oaf to your care and you get to take him places, like the skate park or the antiques store.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Apparently the big oaf only likes the golf course 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I bet her nose tingles every time a Canadian pledges her an oath.
LikeLiked by 3 people
She rubs her hands with glee: “Another Canadian to pick out my crazy hats!”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Have you found out what it means yet? It must be strange to think that you’re so far away from England but still need to pledge allegiance to Maj! 😀 That was nice of the court to reduce your fine… quite an incentive lol
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think if you just bother to show up, they automatically reduce it—or maybe they knew I was friends with the Queen!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe, I mean she would say right?!?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, how strange. We pledge our allegiance to the country not a person, which I’m totally okay with since the people that seem to be running our country are a bunch of stupid heads. So I pledge allegiance to my country with pride! And I think if you have to pledge to the Liz, you should get to pick out her hats and maybe get her to wear something a bit more fun and outgoing, LMAO.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve been trying to get her to be a bit more goth, but she’s very resistance. Must be a queen thing:-)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe it is time for Disney to consider a Drag Queen princess.
Have a great week.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s a great idea! Hope you’re almost completely settled in now:-)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, finally. LOL . Thanks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would swear an oath to Prince Harry, but only because he’s super hot and seems like a good time. The rest of those Windsors? Meh.
LikeLiked by 3 people
He’s the only one who still has hair as well;-)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’d walk the Corgi’s, definitely. And I’d apologize to the judge, I just took the Alistar for a walk… I’m bringing him back…I’m the Queen’s servant for crying out loud! I took an oath… 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Corgis are so cute! They should all be called Alistair!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Stone in the Road and commented:
If you are not following this blog you should be…
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Taking the great grandkids shopping to pick out a hat for her sounds like loads of fun. LOL!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think hanging with the Queen would be a blast!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I guess it’s so you don’t switch allegiance to another Queen without saying something first 😉. The building I work in is owned by the Crown Estate. Technically, THE QUEEN IS MY LANDLADY!
LikeLiked by 2 people
If you want to read something even weirder, there was the time I had to rent a car in the Queen’s name (Week 79)!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. Like something from a Bond film! I shall take a look. My Dad served on the Royal Yacht Britannia, and likes to boast how he used to ‘stoke Her Majesty’s Boilers’!
LikeLiked by 1 person
As the actress said to the Bishop…:-)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had a great laugh over this one! I’m learning so much new cultural information I hadn’t ever thought of before–thanks to your blog!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I also aim to please!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I kind of envy you Canadians having a monarchy. Many years ago David Letterman started one of his “Top Ten” lists and it was something like “Ways America Loses Out By Not Being A Commonwealth Country”, and it started with something like “We don’t have a symbolic monarchy to pay homage to”. His bandleader Paul Schaffer interrupted to say that even though he, Paul, was a Canadian he didn’t like to hear America put down (typical Canadian politeness) and Dave pulled out another list of ten things Communists are terrible at. This was the ’80’s and making fun of the Soviet Union was a cliche and I was annoyed.
The important thing, though, is, will Alistair get along with Titus? I’m sure he will. Everyone gets along with Titus.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve always appreciated being a Commonwealth country, mostly because our parliamentary system etc. make it almost impossible for someone like Trump to become Prime Minister. That being said, we still have some pretty shite politicians (notice I said shite instead of shit? That’s because I’m polite haha!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, you had Stephen Harper and Rob Ford. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Worse, we now have DOUG Ford!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I forget – how many corgis does she have? I’ll take some & you take some others – how much does it pay? … & here in the states, I thot the queen was only tourism bait…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it just pays in Corgi Cuddles but I’m in if you are!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let’s!
LikeLike
But I want a free airline ticket there
LikeLiked by 1 person
Deal!
LikeLiked by 1 person
The day we have to pledge allegiance to Trump is the day I move north. Hello neighbor!!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’d be welcome!😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m also a country-allegiance-pledger.. And I’m totally using “sauntered through a red light!” LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the only way to go through one—that way you can look around and not hit anything 😊
LikeLike
For some reason, all this time, I thought Canada was a sovereign nation beholden to no man or Queen (or tap beer) outside its own borders. See what happens when y’all don’t join your southern neighbors for tea parties and bloody musket fights? We don’t mention a queen once in our national anthem.
Come to think of it we don’t mention God, either, in the famous version and yet every aspect of our lives seems to revolve around the big daddy in the sky. Maybe we’re better off with a ceremonial, but largely irrelevant, mistress of the realm instead?
And speaking of gods, I looked it up and there ARE gods who would care if you ran a red light, notably Hermes of the Greeks. Among many other things he is also the “god of roads” and you should probably say your oath to him next time you’re in court for a frivolous traffic matter or he might turn your entire case over to the goddess of justice, Dike.
And I ain’t touching the joke connected to that one for all the coin in the realm. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Actually our national anthem doesn’t mention the Queen either. Ceremonial and irrelevant is pretty much the deal except for secret agency jobs and car rentals. And for a second, I thought you said Herpes, and I wasn’t touching THAT one either!!🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know what they say, Suzanne, love is fleeting, but herpes … herpes is forever. 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤣🤣🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am way behind on my reading, but that means I get to spend my morning with My Dang Blog, and what more could you ask for really? You get to choose between bible and no bible? I don’t think we get that choice here….but that isn’t really a surprise is it? I may be wrong because I haven’t taken an oath in a long time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, we don’t have to swear on bibles here—but the Queen? That’s unavoidable!
LikeLiked by 1 person
For what it’s worth, I think you do an admirable job selecting the Queen’s hats. They’re a good mix of old-fashioned-ness and quirky modernness. Every time I see the Queen, I tell my husband, “I like her hat,” and you can verify that with him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve always prided myself on my hat sense😊
LikeLike