Things are pretty crazy busy at mydangblog’s place right now, so here’s a little something from 2015 that you might enjoy (the original, My Week 59, also has a bit about my possessed vacuum cleaner):
Real Life Versus Magazine Christmas
I love decorating magazines. I have subscriptions to at least three different ones, and every month, I pour through the pages for ideas. I’m a visual learner at heart—I can read text very quickly and easily, but I LOVE anything with pictures. Anyway, Christmas is coming up, so all the current editions are focused on Christmas decorating and festive parties. As I was gleefully devouring up the images, it suddenly occurred to me how absolutely unrealistic it all was. Sure, I know that everything’s staged, but this year it seems that magazine editors have become so intensely out of touch with how REAL people live that I started to view everything with an extremely critical eye. Here are some of the more bizarre statements and ideas that I came across:
1) A designer on his Christmas room design challenge: “I arrived upon this magical masculine scene by mixing patterns and textures with eclectic objects. While the palette and the furnishings are traditional, the vignette feels fresh, thanks to whimsical organic touches like the felt bird ornaments and the pompom tree skirt.” Let me translate: “Nothing matches”. Also, “men like magicky things, and pompoms”. Someone should clue in this designer that real birds are organic; felt birds are NOT whimsical–they are things that kindergarten children make. Prize for runner-up goes to this designer’s statement: “I like to mix traditional with modern, and pair maximalist notions with more restrained sculptural items.” Again, nothing matches, but this time it’s JUST F*CKING INSANITY OVER HERE!
2) A page devoted to “choosing the perfect tree”. I don’t need a page of tips. This is how we pick a tree at my house:
Ken: That one over there looks nice.
Me: It’s too cold to walk that far. This one’s fine.
Ken: But it’s missing half its branches.
Me: That side can go against the wall. Hurry up, I’m freezing.
3) A decorating article on “Wrapping Pillows like a Present” to create a holiday feel. Screw that—I can’t even wrap a PRESENT like a present, let alone stupid accent pillows. If you’ve ever gotten a present from me, you might have thought at first that a toddler wrapped it. But the torn paper and scotch tape all over the place just reinforce how much I love you, NOT that I’m super-uncoordinated and have unwieldy manhands.
4) “Fun Things To Do With Your Elf On A Shelf”. Here’s the most fun thing I can imagine—put it in the toilet and watch it grin maniacally as it tries not to drown. Keep swimming, Bjorn! For a full treatise on the elvish devilspawn, please see My Week 61.
5) “Decorative pieces should change with the season”. Seriously? Who the hell has time to redecorate their entire house “with the season”? If you’ve got the kind of time to put everything in storage to make way for your holiday sh*t, then put all that away in January and completely redecorate AGAIN, you’re most likely neglecting other areas of your life, like your children or your personal hygiene.
6) A designer on a recent dinner party disaster: “Go with the flow. My copper garland broke, so I placed the beads across the dining table, and they looked pretty. ..it was a happy accident.” Absolutely. The next time I break a Christmas ornament, I will definitely strew the dining table with the shards.
7) Party tip a): “Always have a signature drink ready for your guests and hand it to them as they arrive.” We have a signature drink in my house—it’s called “wine”. When you arrive, you can have some of this tasty signature drink, or I can pour you a shot of the cooking brandy that’s been sitting in the back of the kitchen cupboard for the last ten years (I don’t cook with brandy that often).
8) Party tip b): “The Fabulous Four-Step Appetizer”. I can do you one better—the Tasty TWO-Step Appetizer. Step one, take a piece of cheese. Step two, put it on a cracker. For the adventurous, I also have the Throroughly Three-mendous Appetizer, where you can add a piece of kielbasa from the plate on the counter before the dog sneaks in and eats it all.
9) Party tip c): “Consider your guests’ dietary restrictions.” I am the f*cking master of this. I can create a veritable feast for people who are gluten-free, vegetarian, piscaterian, lactose intolerant, who only eat chicken, who can’t eat spicy food, and who refuse to eat normal human food like rice, pasta, or most green vegetables because they (Dad) are just plain picky. I do this because I love them all so much. Which brings me to my last point:
10) Magazine cover: “128 Ideas for an amazing Christmas”. Here’s the deal—you don’t need 128 ideas. You don’t even need ONE idea. All you need is the people you love the most—weird-ass food preferences, magic-y pompons, and all. Christmas isn’t about how beautiful and pristine your house is—it’s about the people (and animals) in it.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Merry Christmas, live from Mexico!
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Ooh, enjoy😁🎉🎉🎄🎄
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Merry Christmas Suzanne! This is pretty much how most of us view these magazine articles or decorating programs. You hit the nail right on the head, UNREALISTIC. Since my boys have all grown (well chronologically, not so much emotionally, since they still laugh at cartoons and fart noises, lol) I’ve decorated less and less. It’s too much trouble and I want a quick way to “undecorate” when all this chaos is over. I love your comment “shards on the table.” That could be a book title! 😎😁🤔
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I know—ever since Tristan went to uni, we only put up a tabletop tree and nowhere near as much other stuff. Makes it easier to get back to normal😊
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Exactly, and it’s not so much that we lack holiday spirit, it’s that WE are the ones that haul everything out, clean it up, decide where it should go, and tinsel, light it and plug it in. It’s exhausting. One of my friends is so burned out this year from work, taking care of her elderly parents and working through recovering from surgery she drew a Christmas tree on the wall in her kitchen she had previously had painted with chalk paint. And all the gifts are just there up against the wall “under” the tree. Lol
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Ooh, I love that idea!
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Mixing traditional with modern. That designer looks like our kind of guy.
Happy holidays, hun, and all the best in New Year.
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I left out the part about all-white rooms since you just did that so well! Have a wonderful holiday with the wee one😊
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What a coincidence, we have the same signature drink!! Merry Christmas, Suzanne!!!! You have made my year so much brighter! Love you , Lady!!!!!
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Great minds think alike! Much love to you as well❤️
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I love how you pick your tree!
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I think it’s not so much “picking” as much as “despising the cold”!
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I think you may have stumbled upon the next great Christmas horror movie with the ornament shard table decoration.
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“Please pass the—oh my god!!!”
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I read and laughed all the way to the end but I’m still stuck on wrapping pillows like presents. Why would anyone do that? My first thought was bed pillows and I wondered who’d want to lay their head down on crinkly paper. And then you said it meant decorative pillows, and those things take up too much sofa space as it is. They’d be even worse with crinkly paper.
Good luck and enjoy the holiday and I hope there’s not too much cleaning up of crinkly paper.
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I just realized that I have no crinkly paper so I’m just stapling all the gift bags shut with a miniature stapler that I found. Like a boss.
Have a wonderful holiday too!
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Lmao, totes awesome interpretation. Let’s wrap all the pillows in crinkly Christmas paper!
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Yes! It’s a great new tradition and will mess with peoples’ heads because no one will know what’s a gift and what’s a pillow.
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Then by all means let’s wrap everyday household items like door handles and towel holders, a couple of cans of canned veggies in the pantry, no? Now that will mess with peoples heads! This could turn into a serious Christmas game, way more fun than that stupid Elf on a Shelf don’t you think? Lmao 🤣
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Ken already tried that and then I told him if he ever bought me household shit for Christmas again, it was over😉
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Lmao, I know like who wants to get a vacuum cleaner for Christmas? As I said one year when my oldest gave me a Shop Vac….😡
But I was thinking more like wrapping things we already have in the house like floor lamps, cabinet handles as Christopher said Gomes’s with peoples minds. Lol
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Mess with peoples minds, not gnomes. I have no idea where the hell that came from…
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Gnomes is good…
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🤣🤣
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Is it a gillow? Is it a pift? No one knows!
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You do know that cooking brandy is not for cooking, right? It’s for the cook. Bottom up!
PS How did the writing go since last month? I managed to get mine done…
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I always loved the Galloping Gourmet, who always poured himself a slosh of wine while he was cooking! The writing is great–I finished the last revisions on my manuscript for novel two–the publisher had given me until March 1st but it’s ready to be sent at the beginning of January, so I’m feeling a sense of accomplishment:-)
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Good for you! Enjoy the holiday break 🙂🎄🎄🎄
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I couldn’t decorate myself out of Christmas gift bag if a Rams playoff game depended on it. I also gave up wrapping paper years ago when I realized I was using just as much tape as paper, so now I just wrap everything in tape. Comes in handy when the gift breaks into shards, too.
Have a Happy Christmas, Suzanne! Enjoy your peeps and pets! 🎄
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Gift bags are the way to go—I just throw the gift in and staples the bag shut😁
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Oh and Merry Christmas to you and yours❤️🎄
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Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often.
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so true! love the photo ❤ wishing you all the best 🙂
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Titus says thank you! All the best to you too!
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Damn it I’m late to the party….and why is the elf sitting on a container of Vaseline?
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Isn’t that the very question?!
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I am totally making a note of your appetiser suggestion. And I have to confess, I do decorate seasonally. I have 3 red tealight holders at Christmas. Then come spring, I swap them for pink ones. Extravagant, I know.
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Wow, you really go overboard! I was feeling proud that I put some Christmas balls in a vase!
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Merry Christmas, mydangblog (he wished on January 17).
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Better late than never—I love it when you come by and catch up😊
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If it takes me a while to show up to a post, you can actually consider that a compliment: It means I consider that particular blog only worth visiting when I have the bandwidth to give it the time and attention it deserves. Otherwise, I’d just hit “Like” and move on! I love your crazy adventures and like to enjoy them when I’m in a receptive state of mind!
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That makes me pretty dang good😊
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It’s been a really rough few days in my life. No matter which post of yours I clicked, it offered me not only an escape but several lol’s….TY 🙂
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Thank you. I’m sorry things aren’t good right now but I’m glad I could make you smile😊
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