Monday: I decide that a Rottweiner would not be a good dog to have.
So the other day, I was driving along and I saw a guy walking a dog. As I got closer, I realized that it was a dog with the body of a large Dachshund, and the face of a Rottweiler. It was a ROTTWEINER. And then I was really disappointed, because it did not look badass at all. You would think that a dog with the personality of a weiner dog, all scrappy and feisty, and the body of a Rottweiler, all muscular and mean, would be the height of badass-ery. Nuh. It was just a bigger than average weiner dog with a round Rottweiler head. And it looked very awkward and self-conscious, like one of those dog-slinkies whose back end has a mind of its own. Why is it that the permutations of nature are never as cool as you hope they would be? Then I got to thinking about other hybrid animals (cuz I was driving, so why not , right?) and it occurred to me that they all pretty much suck. For example, the mule. This is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Why would anyone WANT to do that? Especially the horse or the donkey? Who knows how it happens, except that apparently it’s always a union between a donkey girl and a horse boy. Which makes sense because how would a boy donkey reach up that high? Then I thought the same must be true of the Rottweiner—it had to be a boy Rottweiler and a girl dachshund, or else SOMEONE was using a step stool. Anyway, aside from the complicated logistics of these types of unions, the whole DNA component is also a puzzle. Why is it mules are sterile, but Rottweiners can go on to have little rotty-weiner babies, or even breed with another kind of dog, say, an Irish Wolfhound? Wouldn’t that be a bizarre looking beast? I actually did a little research for this (ie: I googled “Crazy Animal Hybrids”), and while there were some real disappointments, like the Sheep-Goat (it’s such a bad hybrid that it doesn’t even get an cool name like Shroat, or Greep) I discovered some pretty amazing creatures, so here are my top 3:
3) The Liger: This is a cross between a lion and a tiger. It’s the biggest cat known to humans and can be over 10 feet long and weigh 700 pounds. Also, its best friends are Heffalumps and Woozles.
2) The Grolar Bear: Created when a grizzly bear and a polar bear mate. While this seems unlikely, given that polar bears live NO WHERE NEAR grizzly bears, scientists speculate that it’s happening more and more in the wild due to global warming, and grizzly bears moving into formerly polar bear-only areas. See, global warming has its upside, which is awesome new animals. As the earth warms up and other ecosystems change, maybe we’ll also see the Pengotter (yes, this is an imaginary cross between a penguin and an otter, which I made up just now, and it would be the cutest thing to ever exist).
1) The number one best animal cross, in my humble opinion, is the Coydog. According to the article I read, the Coydog has the natural cunning of a coyote without its instinctive fear of humans, making it tremendously high on the badass scale. So it would pretend to be your best friend, and then when you were asleep, it would eat all your food and pee in your bed. Or kill you. And your Rottweiner.
Honourable Mention: Of course, the Honourable Mention has to go to my favourite mythological hybrid animal—the Zebrasus. This is a cross between a zebra and a Pegasus. I have a sculpture of a Zebrasus on my shelf. I found it on a window ledge on the last day of school, many years ago, after all the students had gone home for the summer. I never found out who made it, but it was so awesome that I had to keep it for myself. The best thing about the Zebrasus, aside from the stripes and the wings, is that he’s smoking a cigar. He is the Ultimate Badass.
Wednesday: Ken pushes my buttons. Literally.
Ken and I were driving in my (relatively new) car on Wednesday, and he was in one of his moods. It’s like, he knows I’m sick, so he does his best to try and annoy me. Which he did today, by pointing out each button on my dashboard and console, and asking, “What does this do?”
Ken: What’s this button for?
Me: It has a car, skid marks, and the word ‘OFF’. What do YOU think it does? Use your imagination.
Ken: I don’t know. If I push it, will the car start to skid?
Me: Do you think it’s a good idea to try?
Me: It’s to turn off the TRACTION CONTROL! It’s winter–why would you EVER want to do that!!?? Don’t touch it!
Ken: Oh. Okay. What’s this button for?
Me: It has a picture of a child inside a lock. Take a guess.
Ken: To lock your kids inside the car?
Me: *sigh* Yes, that’s right. To lock T in the car. You know, you have the exact same button in YOUR car.
Ken: I don’t know what it’s for in my car either. What does THIS button do?
Me: I’m going to cut off your fingers if you don’t stop touching things.
Friday: I have second thoughts about Buy and Sell sites
So, if you remember correctly, I am the proud member of several buy and sell sites. I like a bargain, but unfortunately, the bargains come few and far between sometimes, and I’m getting a little fed up. Today, I lost out on a really nice purse by about 5 minutes. And I could have had it, except for some really random rules, like “the first person to respond has first rights”. Really? What about the person (me, for example) who will pay extra money for that purse? But that’s considered poor etiquette, to try and outbid someone, and then you get called names. Called names, you ask? Yes, because the seedy underbelly of buy and sell sites is that there are certain protocols governing the procedures of buying and selling, and if you contravene them, your ass is grass, so to speak. Case in point: not long ago, a woman on a local site complained that a seller was ripping people off by charging high prices for second hand goods. This led to a litany of comments directed at her, which she, in turn, chose to respond to in the way that only a 19 year-old with a limited vocabulary can do. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such ‘imaginative language’ in my life—there were references to body parts that I didn’t even know existed. Then other people got in on the act, including a woman who claimed to be a police officer, but whose knowledge of the law was a little suspect. So I did what any normal person would do. I took screen shots to show Ken. The insults are so crude that I can’t even share them with you, except to say that speculation about the young lady’s occupation, and placement of her lady parts versus her brain, was referenced several times. She responded by concluding that her detractors seemed to enjoy cannabis and other drugs, as well as recreational sexual activities involving animals. Yes, the internet certainly brings out the best in people. I thought this was a one-off, until the other day when another young lady complained that she had purchased an item that was not in the condition it was described to be in. Without hesitation, someone immediately called her an “asshole” for not checking it out thoroughly herself. Really? That’s your first response? Can you imagine this kind of behaviour happening in face to face activities? Like, you’re at work, and the photocopier isn’t working again, and your first response is to say to the person trying to clear the jam they’ve created: “I can’t believe you broke the photocopier, you asshole.” Sure, I know we all WANT to say this, but we don’t. Would you tell your boss in person, “That’s a stupid idea, you crackhead”? Depending on the profession, most likely not. So why is it OK for people to talk like this to each other on the internet? Especially when their NAMES AND PICTURES are attached to their comments? I‘ve complained about this before, I know, but I still don’t get it. Me, I like to stay away from the drama of overpriced, used clothing, open bags of dog food, damaged furniture, and snow tires. (*I just got a message from the purse-lady asking if I was still interested. This is because I had commented “Second”, which apparently guarantees my place in the purse-buying line. I’ll keep you posted.)