He Has A Cute Earring

The other day, my phone rang. I looked at the screen and gasped. “Someone is calling me from Russia!”

Ken: What?
Me: From Russia!
Ken: Prussia?
Me: No! Should I answer?
Ken: Answer what?

And there are two notable things about this whole conversation. First, that I was very panicked. You may or may not remember, but I’ve written extensively in the past about my complicated history with Russia, which began when I mocked them about experimenting with head transplants and then realized that someone from Russia was reading my blog and maybe it was the KGB, and ended when I jokingly offered them some of my body parts for research if they left me alone (at the time, most of the body parts I was willing to part with weren’t very functional so the joke would have been on them). That was the last that I had any Russian readers, according to the WordPress map anyway, and I thought I was in the clear. But now…had they found out about my laser eye surgery? My vision is currently better than 20/20 which makes my eyes a hot commodity. Were they calling in their chit? So I summoned up my courage and answered the phone:

Me: …Hello?
Guy on the other end: Good afternoon, how are you today?
Me: You don’t sound Russian.
Guy: What?
Me: It says you’re calling me from Russia, but you don’t sound Russian.
Guy: I’m not understanding.
Me (emphatically): My phone says you’re calling me from Russia. ARE YOU IN RUSSIA?
Guy: I’m calling to offer you a very special offer on duct cleaning.
Me: How are you going to clean my ducts from Russia? Do you even accept Canadian money or do I have to pay in rubles?
Guy: I…I am not understanding.
Me: Must be a bad connection. Do svidaniya.
Ken: Who was that?
Me: A Russian duct cleaner.
Ken: Ducks?

Which leads me to the second thing. Ken has terrible hearing. He refuses to admit it, but he doesn’t hear half of what I say, and he ignores a lot of the other half. Here’s an example: when he was sick a few weeks ago, I got the thermometer for him so we could see if he had a fever. He put the thermometer in his ear and left it there.

Me: What are you doing? You can take it out now.
Ken: Are you sure?
Me: It beeped.
Ken: I didn’t hear any beeping.
Me: IT BEEPED RIGHT IN YOUR EAR.

And he still wouldn’t admit that he has a hearing problem. But then this past Friday, we went to get the mail, and the only things in our mailbox were letters from TWO different companies offering him a free hearing test.

Me: I think they’re on to you. Maybe it’s time to see how much hearing you’ve lost.
Ken: I didn’t lose it. I just stopped wearing it.
Me: Wearing what?
Ken: An earring. Are you deaf?
Me: Haha. Very a-cute.

52 thoughts on “He Has A Cute Earring”

  3. I must say, I’m quite astonished that in our discussions so far, there’s been no mention of Vladimir Demikhov, the pioneering yet controversial Russian scientist renowned for his extraordinary experiments in head transplantation on animals. His work, while undeniably eccentric, sheds light on a fascinating aspect of scientific history.

    It’s intriguing to note that Russian scientists often seem to push the boundaries of conventional research, embracing more unorthodox methods in their pursuit of scientific advancement. This daring approach, while sometimes perplexing, undeniably contributes to the rich tapestry of global scientific exploration and innovation.

    Also, it was the Russian military bases that had children’s toys loaded with explosives in Goldeneye for Nintendo 64.

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  5. I once got a call from Ghana. I was away from my phone at the time but then woman who called left me a very emphatic voice mail I couldn’t understand. There are at least thirty different languages spoken in Ghana and while I could tell it wasn’t some of them I still couldn’t figure out which one it was, much less translate it. To think I missed out on duct cleaning from Ghana.
    Anyway I hope Ken has finally taken that thermometer out of his ear. Leaving it in wouldn’t help his hearing.

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  6. We are in the same boat. At least Ken tries to understand what your saying even if he gets it wrong. My wife just waits until I get halfway through my sentence and interrupts with a HUH? I swear she doesn’t even try to listen to what I say anymore until after the HUH. I’ve started just muttering gibberish to get the HUH out of the way so I can go ahead and say what I meant to say in the first place!

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      • Yeah we sort of default to closed caption nowadays, at least when it comes to British shows, even though it’s distracting to try to read and watch faces at the same time, plus all the misspellings and wrong words–it’s a hybrid process though, as I’m pretty sure a person who was actually deaf might have trouble following the plot by relying solely on the captioning. But I could be wrong, and hope I am.
        Otherwise, I use headphones, if I’m the only one watching. This is a real improvement and I don’t need the captions.

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  8. Suzanne,
    Sooo, can you trade Ken’s ears (since he’s not really using them as much anymore) for laser beams that shoot out of your eyes? Seems like a fair trade, especially if someone is Frankenstein-ing body parts together. I’d tell them that Ken has 20/20 hearing to seal the deal. By the time they figure out his hearing isn’t quite what you made it out to be — oh well! 🙂 Because I think laser beams that shoot out of your eyes would have really practical value and would be very cool and intimidating when you’re confronted by “muscle” coming to collect on … other body parts, presumably … or whatever they’re coming to collect. Just a thought. Mona

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  10. -giggles- this post made me laugh from start to finish! That said, I do empathize with Ken as I know I’m starting to have trouble with my hearing as well. Of course, the Offspring does mumble, but still…
    Commiserations to Ken.

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  11. funny & scary – who said aging ain’t for sissies? my husband says he’s been hard of hearing since he was a kid, as if that somehow makes it better. I suppose you already know this, but somewhere I heard (haha) that one needs to get address hearing loss asap, otherwise the brain starts to sort of forget how to process sounds…

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  12. Oh my goodness, this was funny! You had the poor, Russian guy really confused. Maybe, he isn’t from Russia but it was just the number assigned to him.
    As for Ken, I can totally relate. I usually hear words that rhyme so my conversations go somewhere like this:
    Other Person “Did you take the dog out?”
    Me. “You know I don’t eat Trout!”
    and I don’t want Hearing Aids either.

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  13. barbaramullenix says:

    I have a pair of hearing aids that my Ken received only about 2 weeks before he passed away (replacement value about $1,000). You can have them for free if you want,but you’d still have to go to an audiologist in order to get them set to the correct frequency.

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  15. Let me know if you find success in swaying Ken into wearing a hearing aid. My hearing is much diminished (my own wanna be a rock star doing), but Tom’s is even worse as a result of the accident. It’s a comedy show in who can’t hear whom here some days and he is not having it, the hearing aids, that is.

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  18. LOL. My wife works for Hearing Life, and quite often men in denial are sent in for hearing test by their wives. It usually starts off with, “My wife made me come in. SHE thinks my hearing is bad, but it’s fine.”

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