Sailing The High Seas

About 10 years ago, I took a cruise on the Norwegian Star. The whole trip was insane and chaotic, and I wrote about it back then. Currently I’m on my second cruise with Norwegian and guess what? The more things change, the more they stay the same. In between 10 years ago and now, Ken and I have taken other cruises with other cruise lines and I stupidly assumed that Norwegian would have improved their practice at least a little. But yet they have not. Now, this isn’t a rant or complaint post; to be honest, the quirkiness of this ship is more hilarious than anything. So here are the top 5 bizarre things you get when you sail Norwegian:

1) Regardless of how many months in advance the crew knows the exact time and circumstances of the embarkation, they always act completely taken by surprise. I got an email literally 2 months ago that the sail time had been changed to 8 pm. At 5:45 we went to the restaurant for dinner. We had a reservation. The whole serving staff was in full panic mode because only 1 bar per floor was allowed to open if the ship was in port. It took twenty minutes to get my wine and the waiter said, “We’re all overwhelmed right now because after the shipwide safety drill, everyone came.” It’s a ship carrying over 2000 people—are they not used to having full restaurants?! We boarded at our SCHEDULED time of 1:30 and none of the rooms were ready until after 3, as if they had NO IDEA that passengers would be coming on board. There were people sitting in hallways surrounded by luggage, just waiting to be let into their rooms because everything else was also closed.

2) There are 31 bars and restaurants on the ship and just 4 stores—a duty free place that only sells hard liquor and cigarettes, a jewelry store that has champagne events every night as a ploy to get you drunk and convince you to buy fake diamonds, a “beauty” store, and a gift shop where you can buy Norwegian cruise line souvenirs. I’ve been on ships before with entire decks devoted to high end boutiques, clothes, and other goodies. The only thing taking up a whole deck on this ship is the casino.

3) There 24 elevators and 13 of them are perpetually stuck on either deck 6 or 16. You might as well take the stairs and considering how small the elevators are and how many people are willing to cram themselves into one, it’s probably safer.

4) You have to reserve tickets for every show and there’s a warning that you can’t save seats for other people. That seems harsh but if you’ve seen the number of passengers who put their sh*t on deck chairs or lounge chairs and hold them all day while they’re in one of the many restaurants or bars, you can understand why.

5) They have people stationed at each entrance to the main breakfast buffet whose only job is to stand by a bank of sinks, shake a tambourine and sing, “If you’re happy and you know it, wash your hands.” And the most frightening thing is that the majority of people ignore them. There’s also a terrifying trio of women who travel around the restaurant and recite in unison at every table, “Blueberry muffins, nummy nummy. Start your day with something yummy.” If you want to split a muffin with someone, they immediately scream “Sharing is caring!” And you’re not allowed to throw the muffins at them.

6) Every day, they do a trivia competition in the main atrium. It starts every day at exactly 12 noon and it’s run by the Assistant Cruise Director. At exactly 12:05 each day, the trivia competition is interrupted by an announcement from his boss, the Cruise Director, telling us all about the social events of the day. And he knows he’s interrupting because he says, every time, “Sorry to interrupt the trivia…” Could he make his announcement at a different time? Of course. Could the trivia happen at a different time? One would imagine. Yet… There are no prizes anyway, so I suppose it doesn’t make much difference.

Even though the wifi sucks and I had to write this entire thing on my phone, on the upside, the food is good, the beds are comfy, and the scenery is gorgeous. Nummy nummy.

Along the St. Lawrence

42 thoughts on “Sailing The High Seas”

  1. Thanks for your expertise on cruises. All the things you have on your list are the same reasons that a cruise would annoy the crap out of me and my wife. Aside from the scenery and the comfortable beds, which is where you would find me and my wife if we booked a cruise (we’re both total introverts). Come to think of it, my wife and I could have great scenery, good food and comfortable beds here at our house for a lot less. 🤣

    Also, my mom would be *highly* irritated by the singing and tambourines if she went on a cruise. She has decided to retire (at 80!) and book a cruise. But am I going to share this post with her? Of course not. As much as she was the parent I actually liked, and we are now close friends, she wasn’t exactly a perfect parent. Consider it my revenge. 😏

    Thanks for the post! 🙂

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  3. Ha! Nate and I took a cruise years ago, and there was this one server who would walk around to every table, and in a really creepy tone ask, “Liquors? Anyone want any liquors?” It was so frequent that it’s still a running joke whenever Nate and I go to a restaurant. We wonder if there is a liquors guy.

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  4. Oh wow, well most of it sounds like a nightmare. But if the food is good and you can sleep well, it may make up for all the other chaotic mess. Ugh, why can’t anyone one a cruise for introverted extroverts, with bars and restaurants that will take your order, bring you what you want, and never make any eye contacts. But also, they bring you wine when they see your glass almost empty. And that leave you alone to do your think like go sit pool side and enjoy quiet time. But still bring you wine, lol.

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  5. Actually that does sound just a tad annoying, although the idea of cruising along a river looking at the world go by does sound appealing.
    I “get” the washy washy stuff. For example, we live in an apartment tower with rents in the range where you’d think anyone who could afford to live here would want to adhere to certain standards. But, no. You still see garbage bags slightly open leaning against the garbage bins because it was just too hard to lift them and put them inside and don’t even talk to me about having to life the lid! Whuhhh??!!
    I could build a raft and float down the Missouri River, except for the fishermen throwing sticks of dynamite at me. It’s always somethin’.

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  6. It’s weird but I would love the chaos of a cruise like this. I’d consider it all free entertainment. A cruise ship is basically a floating skyscraper you can’t leave and I’d rather have one where things are slightly off, or a lot off, to add to the experience. The one thing I couldn’t take is not being allowed to stow my luggage somewhere. I assume most cruise people wouldn’t go through my luggage if I went off and left it in the hallway, and I wouldn’t keep anything valuable in there anyway, but nothing would annoy me more than being on a ship and having to sit in one place. I’d even want to take the stairs. I might take the elevators once but I’d want to explore every part of the ship, including the staircases, which is why being stuck with my luggage would be the worst.

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  8. Sounds like masochism. A reason to bleed cash, get exposed to a dozen viruses, be imprisoned in a cushioned cell, deal with thousands of people all crammed together for “pleasure” fighting for your place in the queue. Adamantine-hard pass.
    Hope Covid is not on the menu…

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  10. Glad that seems like you managed to enjoy it at least a bit? I’ve only been on one cruise that swore me off to any others. But was interesting to learn that a whole cruising culture exists

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  14. Um…and you go on cruises because??? Apologies but I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck on a boat, on water, getting sea sick with a million other people. 😦
    It does make for a hilarious post though.

    p.s. What in heck is WordPress doing now? grrrrr…..

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  17. That sounds like hell.
    And you *paid* to suffer through this?
    😬
    My wife & I hate the idea of all inclusive hotels so to be trapped on a pitching & rolling hotel with annoying staff & 1000s of people & YOU CAN’T ESCAPE feels like an absolute nightmare.
    We prefer to enjoy the stress of pulling a caravan 1000 km over 3 days (& then repeating it all to get home again and wondering what that weird noise is & hoping a wheel doesn’t fall off). Much nicer.

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