What Kind Of Person Do You Think I Am?!

I ask this question only because I’ve been getting some very strange ads in my social media lately. I don’t mind the run-of-the-mill exhortations to buy hot tubs/swim spas, funny t-shirts, and retirement planning. I don’t even mean strange like Amazon recommending my own book to me, which happens all the time. No, I mean strange, like “I don’t have a f*cking clue what this thing is and I have no idea why you think I’d even want one!”

The other day, I saw this ad that was so bizarre I didn’t know what to make of it. It was “recommended for me”, and I did a double take:

The headline says “shop our selection of power a…” and the rest is cut off, I assume for decency purposes, and my immediate thought was that it was some kind of bondage gear. I examined it closely, trying to decide how, exactly, one would wear it and for what purpose. I was befuddled. I finally got up enough nerve to click on the description, worried that I’d be in for some pretty explicit content, only to discover that the item in question is, in fact, some kind of complicated tool belt, and I don’t mean that as a euphemism—I mean it’s actually for tools, like if you have a bad back and a lot of heavy hammers, you can use this device to relieve some of the stress on your spine because it distributes weight evenly. And then I was even more confused because why the hell would this be recommended for ME? In what world am I hammering drywall and looking for an ergonomic way to construct a small room? (Although if I WAS going to construct a small room, it would have a door that looked like a bookcase, and then when you pushed the bookcase, there would be this awesome room full of clocks, and it would be hidden so no one could bug me about having more clocks).

But as if this wasn’t bad enough, a couple of days ago, I got this ad in my feed from Canadian Tire, which apparently sells a LOT more than tires, and this was listed as a “Must-Have”…:

It’s called a Banzai Monster Munch Unde…and I’m assuming the rest of that word is “underwear”? because it looks like either the skeeziest pair of undies that one could imagine or it’s the strangest condom I’ve ever seen in my life. And I can understand a lot about this product, like it’s stretchy, it’s roomy, it’s designed for someone who’s fairly well-endowed…but I just don’t get the f*cking GOOGLY EYES!

In other news, we went to Kate’s graduation this week—she graduated with distinction from her Registered Veterinary Technician Program and we’re so incredibly proud of her.

In other, other news, I’ve been working hard on a Mydangblog novel so that I can work through the process of publishing something. If everything goes according to schedule, I’ll be launching DarkWinter Press in July and I’ll be looking for submissions. Keep me in mind!

41 thoughts on “What Kind Of Person Do You Think I Am?!”

  1. When I saw that tool belt my first thought was that it was a jet pack because while I haven’t seen a lot of bondage gear but I always expect it to look a lot more stylized, for lack of a better word. That looks much more functional and like something that blends in with what you’re wearing, specifically flannel, unlike bondage gear which stands out from what you’re not wearing. So the googly-eyed monster seems more, er, fitting, even if it looks more like a hand puppet than a puppet you’d stick somewhere not your hand.
    But really I’m so glad for Kate and DarkWinter Press, and I hope the wildfires haven’t reached where you are.

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  2. Oh, Kate graduation with distinction! Im so happy for you and her, great job mom! And to Ken of course, lol. I get some of those ads too it’s so annoying. Like I actually yelled out the other day while on my iPad, “Why, why, why would I need farm grade ammonia and a John Deer tractor digital level??” Seriously, ugh. I LOVE your secret room door idea, that sound perfect! Although, I think I’d have more books, a small desk and maybe a comfy chair and a lamp to read by.

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    • “Farm grade ammonia”?! What do they think you are, a mad bomber? Oh yeah, that secret room would be kitted out in all the comfies! In fact, I wish that I could close my office up with a bookcase door because it’s exactly the room I would want, with extra books!

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    • Ooh, there’s a thought–maybe they know me better than I think! And I’ll keep you posted re: the press because you know I love your writing. It’s been pretty straightforward so far, but I need to figure out the process for cover designs etc.!

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  5. BarbaraM says:

    Here ya go – It’s actually called ‘My First Fork-Lift”
    Hover-1 My First Forklift Electric Forklift with Ride-in Controls, Remote Control, Liftable Fork, Gears, Storage Trunk, and Pallet Yellow/Black Large
    It’s yellow and black like “Bumble Bee” and only $400!
    That’s wonderful news about Kate! Has she found where she wants to work yet?

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  7. I get some weird ads popping up every so often too which make me wonder “Wtf is THAT?!”. I am also scared to click in case it’s something grossly awful. It probably isn’t, but I have been fooled by some odd looking things in the past only to go “ewww, really?”

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  8. Yuval Harari speaks to the social media monster that is the “Algorithm”. They (there are dozens of them now) have learned your preferences. They /know/ what you need. Do not deny the accuracy of their predictions. Give in to the desires you know are buried beneath that facade of balanced calm. “Go Nuts!” it’s saying to you.
    A vet-tech is certainly a commendable and future-proof occupation. Not sure I can say the same about wanting to become a publisher. Unless, of course, you’re in cahoots with an Algorithm yourself…

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  12. I’m glad you didn’t click on the “unde…” thing to get the scoop, Suzanne. Advertising algorithms would take over and you’d be inundated with googly-eyed bedroom apparatus. At least the ads give you something to blog about!

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  13. At first glance I was thinking suspenders on steroids, for use with super heavy duty pants. But then I realized one of the guys wandering around in my backyard was wearing something akin to it, with shorts. I assume there’s nothing kinky going on back there, as they’re rebuilding my fence…

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  15. The Googly Eyes made me laugh. Maybe there’s a version of ChatGPT that’s into..um…never mind. I love the name ‘Dark Winter Press’, and the logo. Hope you do some posts on the process of setting it up.

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  16. The toolbelt suspender thing. It does look a little . . . mediaeval. However, having once been a tool belt wearer, especially a utility pole climbing belt, it would have been handy. Hard on the ol’ hip joints.
    Darkwinter Press. Making a mental note.

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  17. FYI I Say, I just applied to receive your DarkWinter lit site. Under my name! Which you don’t know, but know me as kunstkitchen. First name is Catherine…last name starts with K. Plus 3 letters. Hope this makes sense?

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