Pump It Up!

I like cream. Not whipped cream, not ice cream—in fact, I hate ice cream, and I can hear you muttering right now, “Weirdo”—but no, I’m talking about body cream. Lotion that comes in all different scents, with luxurious ingredients like hemp oil, shea butter, infusions of collagen, and jojoba, which is the best word to say in the world. But do you know what I hate? The damn pump containers they come in. Every single one of these things is designed specifically so that the pump stick thing (I just googled it and it’s call a dip tube, and if that isn’t the most sexual term for a thing that isn’t particularly sexual, I don’t know what is, and don’t pretend that you weren’t all like Ooh! as well) doesn’t go right to the bottom, leaving you inevitably with an inch of cream that you can’t access. Then you have to take off the lid, and try your best to get the rest out of the container by a) turning it upside down and slamming it against your hand if the container is small or b) sticking your hand INTO the container and scooping it out, if the container is large enough, thereby getting it all under your fingernails, which is what I’ve been doing for the last few days with a particular favourite. The only problem is that every time I take off the lid, the dip tube pump thing falls out, forcing me to reassemble the whole damn thing every time.

And here’s where I found myself on Wednesday night, in a perfect storm of circumstances. On the weekend prior, I had stupidly carried a heavy bag and re-injured my bad shoulder, eradicating all the good, and the extensive number of dollars, that the recent round of shock wave therapy had provided. My shoulder, like the rest of the world, went into lockdown. And there I was, in my bathroom, half naked, trying to scoop the last of the collagen cream out of the bottom of the stupid container, when the dip tube not only fell out but the whole lid fell on the floor and rolled under the bathroom vanity. And what did I do? I waved the arm that wasn’t in agony imperiously and yelled, “You know WHAT? You can just f*cking STAY THERE!!” You may be surprised to learn that the lid did not respond and is, in fact, still under the bathroom vanity where it is paralyzed with fear.

And then, to add insult to injury, I had to see my doctor, he of the dick-ish bedside manner, who matter-of-factly referred me to an Orthopaedic surgeon. While he was looking for the referral form on his computer, all the while muttering, “Where is it?” and forcing me NOT to respond “Would it be under ‘O’?”, kind of like trying to help your elderly parent figure out how to reset their password on ‘The Facebook’ or akin to watching my colleagues walk me through how to download and edit a document in Teams, he DID offer this:

Dr.: I’ll also give you a cortisone shot.
Me: Oh, Ok…um, will it hurt?
Dr. (laughs): No. Oh, I found the referral form! It was under ‘W’.
Me: Makes sense. Are you going to do it now?
Dr.: No, I don’t have any cortisone. I’ll fax a prescription to your pharmacy and you’ll need to pick it up, then make another appointment and bring the vial back here next week.

NEXT WEEK? How many more cream jar lids will have to die before I get some relief?!

In other news, I couldn’t resist sharing this ad, which I saw last week after my post about my chair, and I wish there was a way to tell the Facebook algorithm that I ALREADY BOUGHT ONE and to stop sending me ads for chairs. But this one for a ‘single seater couch’ is the best marketing strategy I’ve ever seen:

There are four pictures, all of the same chair, with one showing a huge rip in the arm, and they’re STILL asking $150 for it! And it made me think of other ways to advertise things to make them sound more valuable than they actually are, so here are some examples for you to guess:

Upright bathtub
Winterized motorcycle
Compact minivan
Organic glass
Semi-liquid product with dip tube

But I’m sure you’ll be able to think of lots of better examples than I can.

73 thoughts on “Pump It Up!”

  1. Oh I hate those dip tubes, and the thingys that come with the lotion bottles too, 🤣. I love lotions as well, I was just given a “stress relief” gift package from Bath and Body Works that’s eucalyptus am spearmint. This was given to me by Fake Mini for taking care of her boss. I think she knew she got on my nerves and gave me the stress relief scent.
    Anyway, loved it, it smells so good, lucky for me it came in a squeeze tube and not a bottle.🧴
    Sorry to hear about your shoulder Suzanne, ugh I hope you feel better soon. Try not to do any of your secret agency spy training before you get your cortisone shot. 💉🩹

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  2. Cerave started making “cerave in the tub in a tube” ( which is fun to say, seriously say it out loud, you’ll see what I mean ) But they only make the tiny travel size ones. WE WANT BIG TUBES! Sorry about your shoulder, honey!❤️

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  4. I’m so sorry to hear about your reinjury! Ugh. I hope you don’t need surgery. Other than that, I got a huge chuckle out of your lotion dilemma. I know exactly how you feel, I’ve had to deal with that same issue my whole life! If you ever come up with a solution, please let me know!

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  6. A cortisone shot? How swell. Stupid doctors. I’m sorry. I had to say it.
    Every time you’re hurting, they want to solve it with cortisone.

    I’ve had my share of it when it was really needed, meaning to deal with an inflammation. Other than that, you don’t give it/ you don’t take it so easily, That’s a nasty drug. Better have some pain med instead. I’m so sorry to hear that, dear. How about some massages? Or physiotherapy.

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  7. Oh no! Hope your shoulder gets better soon.
    Yeah, the weird thing about those dip pump dispenser things is how poorly engineered some of them are. My wife has bought a few to decant liquid soap into because “pretty”, apparently. However, I prefer “properly designed & manufactured to do the damn job”. But “ugly”, apparently. Meh.
    1 – shower?
    2 – skiddoo?
    3 – car?
    4 – sand 🙂

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  8. Well, you sure showed that dip tube who the boss is! Good for you!! And I liked the use of the expression ”add insult to injury”… Clever! As you might know, in French, we have the same expression (ajouter l’insulte à l’injure) but ”injure” means ”offense” and has nothing to do with physical injuries…

    I hope your shoulder will get better soon… Next time, let Ken lift the heavy stuff for you! 😉

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  10. I’ve done the exact same thing with lotion pumps. The slamming in to your hand to get the last of it is my choice. A poor invention, those pumps.
    My daughter just had a cortisone shot in her knee. I never had one when recommended for my back. Too scary. Good luck!

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  11. I’ve been trying to contact your shoulder all week — it could have at least had the consideration to let me know it was on lock down. This post had a lot of words that are embarrassing to say out loud. I heartily commend you for that.

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  12. I once had a Dr prescribe a steroid injection but after I studied my blood work and realized that whatever the test was that shows inflammation was low I decided against the shot. There are a lot of risks involved. I hope you get the benefits without any side effects.
    I’ve told my husband in the past that some people would probably buy dehydrated water. 🙂

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  14. You’re not alone! Our bathrooms are a graveyard of jar lids with pumps that won’t activate up. It drives me nuts! But I feel badly for you–cortisone is serious stuff! Breathe deep and perhaps we switch to flip tops:).

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  15. I always think these artificial intelligence and algorithm type disaster and dystopia predictions are exceedingly unlikely, when adverts for things you’ve already purchased follow you around the webs for months. Of course, you might have the room for more than the one ‘one seater couch’, so they might actually be scary if they KNOW that.

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  16. My wife has something called “Ice Hemp Cream” and I have no idea whether it’s an ointment or something you put chocolate sauce on. I’m leaning to the former because it’s in a small container but doesn’t have a dip tube. More ointments should be sold like that.
    Now I’m going to watch some TV or, as I think it would be advertised, “a keyboardless computer.” With our dogs or, as we call them since they eat grass, “spotted lap cows”.

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  17. I have a friend who went all Chuck Norris a few years ago on plastic bottles with those stupid pumps. She started sawing them in half to get the rest of the cream/lotion out. I suspect she was reacting to other things in her life, but there was no mistaking she derived great satisfaction from it.

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  18. I think I mentioned before how much relief from my shoulder pain I got from cortisone shots. Two shots in the shoulder (front and back) lasted about two weeks. Two more shots, and lasting relief. I didn’t find them very painful at all, in any case, willing to go through a little pain for such great results!

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  20. You always give me laugh out loud moments in your post. I totally understand the cream issue (though not hating ice cream (weirdo)) as I have a wife who’s a creamphile. I’m often required to take apart the containers for that final bit. I’m happy to say that no lids have died in my efforts.

    As for those expensive, exotic special offerings, I’m eyeing a soft headrock. Apparently, you put them under your head for support when you’re sleeping. Imagine!

    Hope the cortisone works out for you. Many friends have done well with them. Fingers crossed for you.

    Now I’m going to go see if we have ice cream. Then add some topping and whipped cream, you know?

    Cheers

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  21. I get frequent cortisone shots in my ankle and in my spine, and I’d say the shots themselves don’t hurt but my ankle will start to hurt quite a bit as the medicine works its way in. It hurts for about 24 hours before it starts to feel better.

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  22. Dip tubes! Now I know what those are called… and we have to mark down or destroy so many bottles of lotion at work because customers just have to try out everything and once the dip tube is activated, there’s no going back. The inaccessible inch at the bottom reminds me of the shampoo I buy. It’s cheap, but I like to use things until the very end… but there’s no getting to the stuff on the very bottom of the bottle, and they’ve made the lids now to where they won’t come off! Unless I want to get a hacksaw out and cut the bottle open, I always have to throw away three or four uses of the stuff….

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  24. Those pumper-dippers also tend to clog, in my experience. It’s aggravating. And sorry to hear about the shoulder and the need to an eval by an Worthopedic surgeon.
    Finally, “The Facebook.” Lol. You could write a whole post about trying to explain technology to elderly people (my parents) over the phone. I’ve given up and now make the 1-1/2 hour drive to unjam their printer.

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  25. so sorry about your shoulder & with the unpleasant doctor. as for the dipstick, I’ve resorted to bar soap & as for lotions, I feel your pain – have written many a criticism to manufacturers…

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  26. Okay. We are in a parallel universe of the hand cream dip stick follies. High kicks, two steps, and muttered curses…I have added a bit of water to one plastic bottle and viola, la crème comes out, when I tap the bottle on my hand. The two plastic bottles of hand cream I have simultaneously clogged and no longer give forth the hand lotion that I desperately need from all the de rigor OCD hand washing…gawd. I became more conscious stricken recently by all the darn plastic bottles… am looking for alternatives.
    Sorry to hear about your shoulder too. “It’s always something!” I feel your pain. No really. My shoulders are playing up. 🙃 💪🏻ouch.

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