My Week 259: Does This Answer Your Question?

So I was recently tagged for a couple of blogger awards, and I know some people don’t like this, but for me, it’s always a chance to have a bit of fun with the questions. The first award was the Mystery Blogger award, and I was nominated by Simon from Beyond The Infinite, a cool blog about science, space, and exploring the universe. As a part of this award, I’m supposed to tell you three things about myself, and then answer five questions:

3 Things

1) In real life, people think I’m a very serious, professional person.
2) I collect small jewellery boxes that are made with seashells.
3) I talk to stuffed animals, just in case.

You can never have too many.

5 Questions

1) What is the strangest thing you’ve seen lately?

This ad, on a buy and sell site. It’s unsettling and at the same time, intriguing. Is it a challenge? Like, if I really want those beanie babies, am I willing to pay $200 AND defeat The Gatekeeper? And it doesn’t even say HOW MANY beanie babies there are. Who would post an ad for stuffed toys and accompany it with a picture so intimidating? Is the person selling the beanie babies against their will and this is a warning? I can just see someone taking their small child to pick up them up and being confronted by this person screaming “YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BEANIE BABIES!!!” You’d be scarred for life. This ad is strange and it really does engender more questions than answers.

2) If you could travel to any planet, which one would it be?

Uranus. Duh. Don’t you know me at all?

3) Do you ever give your cars (or other transportation) names?

No. I have a Chevy Sonic, and I call it “The Sonic”. Wait—I guess that’s kind of a name. In fact, it’s a very cool name, like a superhero name for someone who could fly faster than the speed of sound (is that actually even fast? I’m not as science-y as Simon so maybe he knows), or can destroy things with sonic waves. Wow, and I thought the coolest nickname would be Player One—now I want The Sonic, like Suzanne “The Sonic” Craig-Whytock.

4) What’s your weirdest habit?

Me: What’s my weirdest habit?
Ken: Obsessing over a piece of furniture or a vase being moved 5 millimetres from where you put it, and then yelling, ‘What the f*ck?! Why is it out of place?!’
Me: That’s not weird—it’s because I worry about ghosts, and THAT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL, KEN.

5) What are your 3 desert island must haves?

Ken, Titus, and an unending supply of white wine. I’d add my daughter, but I know she has better things to do than hang out with a drunk castaway.

I was also nommed for the Real Neat Blog Award, also by Simon, and the fact that he thought of me for both of these is incredibly kind and thoughtful, and I thank him very much. Some of these are his questions; some I just made up.

1) What was the funniest thing that you saw yesterday?

I was on the train sitting towards the back, and an elderly woman behind me got up and started walking towards the front of the car. She had a giant duffle bag slung over one shoulder and as she made her way up the aisle, she whacked everyone sitting in the aisle seat on the head with the bag. Hard. It was like something out of Monty Python, watching the reactions of each person as she hit them suddenly from behind, and her seeming obliviousness to the fact that she was leaving such mayhem in her wake.

2) What little known fact would you tell people about yourself?

My nickname is “The Sonic”.

3) Are you good at making speeches?

No. For example, last week at work, we were saying goodbye to some of our summer students, and one of my colleagues announced that I would be making a speech. I laughed and reached into my pocket to jokingly mime taking out a prepared speech but instead pulled out an actual piece of paper that said ‘chúc mừng năm mới’, which means ‘Happy New Year’ in Vietnamese. So I said THAT. People were confused. But here’s a little background as to why there was a piece of paper in my pocket that said ‘Happy New Year’ in Vietnamese. Several years ago, I was the principal of an International Languages site. The school had 13 different language groups who all liked to celebrate various occasions, and they each felt it was important that I, as the principal, welcomed the parents and guests in the large auditorium. Unfortunately, I don’t speak 13 languages, so they would all give me a greeting in Arabic, Farsi, Vietnamese, and whatnot. The MC would get up and start the show in their home language with me waiting in the wings. Then suddenly, the MC would turn and yell, “And SUZANNE!!!” I was always, without exception, taken completely unawares, and would have to rush up to the stage with my piece of paper, the greeting spelled out phonetically in my hand, and the crowd would go wild as I butchered their mother tongue.

4) Have you once again changed your favourite bathroom stall at work?

Why yes, I have. If you’ve been following along, it was initially Stall 5, but then I realized that the toilet paper in that stall ran out much earlier than all the other stalls, which meant that a great many other people had also designated it as the most desirable. I switched to Stall 2, but recently, it’s become less hygienic than I like. Stall 3 is uncomfortably in the middle and the door is usually closed, which is completely f*cking off-putting, and Stall 1, as we know, is haunted. So I’ve resigned myself to Stall 4, even though in some cultures, 4 is an unlucky number. Fortunately, the number 4 is relatively meaningless to me, like most numbers. Also, you probably know by now that if you nominate me for any type of award, there WILL be a discussion about bathroom stalls.

5) Favourite comedian?

John Mulaney. He’s hysterically clever.

6) Is that ghost still haunting your house?

I don’t think so. A couple of weeks ago, I went into the haunted room and the chandelier started flickering, so I whispered, “Shhhh. Everything is OK.” The flickering stopped and there hasn’t been an incident since.

7) What should new followers to this blog expect?

A lot of swearing, mostly.

Also, as some of you know, I write short fiction and a bit of poetry, but those things are very different than this blog or my novels. I recently had a piece of flash fiction featured in X-R-A-Y Literary Magazine, so if you care to read it, you can find it here.

58 thoughts on “My Week 259: Does This Answer Your Question?”

  1. So the two main takeaways I get from this are, one, when you say people in real life think you’re a “very serious, professional person” you mean everyone except Ken, the people who worked with you at the language institute, and probably most of your coworkers, and, two, you worked for a language institute that taught the language Whatnot.
    Also the funny things you see remind me of the great Steve Allen who said funny people aren’t people to whom funny things happen but rather people who see ordinary life in a funny way. Lucky us you have a lot of funny things happen to you and you see them in a funny way.

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  3. Ha! I knew we hit it off for a reason, I don’t talk to stuffed animals per say, I just make comments at them, just in case. During my coworker road trip, I was baptized with the nickname “Roni the Rage” and I’ll explain how that came about in a post later on, lol. My car does have a name, she’s called Precious, hey she is okay? 😎🤣😉
    What’s up with the seashell jewelry boxes? And how many do you have?

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    • That’s awesome–do you walk up to her and say, “My Precious” like the dude from Lord of the Rings? That would be so cool! And I think at last count, I had 12 boxes, but every time I see another one, Ken says, “You don’t need any more!!” Technically, he’s right, but I just love them so much!

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      • Well I’ve always said that the line “my precious” originated in the 1982 film The Dark Crystal. When I heard it in the LOTR films I thought, they stole that line from the Dark Crystal, lol.
        And I don’t talk to my car per say I just call her Precious and when my boys ask to borrow my car, which isn’t often. But I tell them “just remember that I love my car more than my kids so take care of Precious!” Which is an over exaggeration of course, I love them a bit more than I love my car, lol.

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  5. What if that guy is the Beanie Baby? Like maybe a limited edition “Scary Guy Who Yells At Kids To Get Off His Lawn” Baby? Collectors edition Beanie Babies pull in big bucks, so I think you should answer that ad. I’ve been meaning to start reading some of your fiction pieces for quite some time now — I think it’s high time I get cracking on that.

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  7. Suzanne, congrats on your awards! So glad to hear that the ghost has calmed for now. I wonder if you can threaten ghosts like you do with things don’t work — if you don’t work, you’re going in the trash heap, can opener. If you don’t stop playing with the lights, I’m going to sick Beanie Baby Dude on you, ghost — and he’s a lot scarier than you are! Ha! Mona

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  8. Well, I’m glad you have finally revealed your secret identity. And another thing, “The Sonic,” (perfect!) the number four is my favorite number in the whole world! I don’t know about it being lucky or unlucky but that will cease to matter after you hear this! I pulled through my local Chinese restaurant’s drive thru back when I was in my mid twenty’s and had ordered the number four panda wontons. When I reached the window, paid for my bag of yum, the drive thru attendant said, “ #4 panda wonton! Thank you, see you tomorrow!” Yassss… what a beautiful ending to a trip for panda wontons at would continue to be repeated for many years! The number four will always be a favorited number for the rest of my life! God, I’m hungry! I’m like Pavlov’s dog here, drooling and such. I guess #4 has that effect too but I digress. What was my point [SQUIRREL!] ok, now I have a number of bad jokes on the way… FOUR of them! 😂 I need to eat. Low blood sugar, I swear! Congrats on the very cool awards!!! Oh! Will check out your story, too! Awesome Lady Sonic!!!😊💫

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  13. Kathleen Howell says:

    Haha.. I love #1, reminded me of the scene in Airplane when everyone sequentially gets hit with the guitar.. Thanks as always for the laughs.. Needed some today.. And congratulations!! Well deserved..

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  16. Hey, I have a Sonic too! And it also doesn’t have a nickname…. then again, the Neon I drove for 17 years before it never got one either. I’m not a car guy, and I guess that extends to not giving them names either.

    And that guy totally looks like a Beanie Baby collector. At least one who now realizes, 20 years later, that nobody wants to pay $200 for a stuffed critter!

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  18. I loved your piece in X-R-A-Y!!! I had a piece in there a couple months ago, so that means now we’re X-R-A-Y sisters!

    And I’m right there with you with stuff being moved even 5 mm. Yes, I will notice and, yes, I will need to move it back 5mm or else the entire world will collapse.

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  20. 1. I see you as a seriously professional funny person.

    2. Somewhere around that guy’s house is a letter that reads “if you ever see me selling beanie babies online I’ve been kidnapped and need help immediately.”

    3. My old car was called “The Durango,” and my current car is called “The Rogue.” This despite the fact that my current car is a Rogue One Star Wars Limited Edition and could have any number of incredible nicknames but is still only “The Rogue.” Where is our imagination?*

    4. Your Monty Python moment had me snorting out loud and now three goldens, a wife, and a mother-in-law are all awake before their time. I wonder if I can get one of them to make me some pancakes?

    5. I was expecting the mock speech/pocket thing to end in a middle finger but I like where you went better.

    6. The #4 was Brett Favre’s number. All numbers have a football significance with me. When someone tells me the lockbox on their rental is 3419, for example, I immediately say “Walter Payton/Peyton Manning, got it.” Warren Moon, for another example, is a haunted stall.

    Congrats on the awards AND the publishings! 👏👏👏👏

    *In my late teens I had a Ford Fairmont station wagon with a hole in the muffler that I took all the party kids around in. We called it “The Beast.” Those were the days.

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    • Wow, it never even occurred to me that the ad was potentially a cry for help–it would have made more sense if the price was a lot higher than $200, like maybe $1 000 000 in unmarked bills! And I’m very glad Warren Moon doesn’t haunt my work bathroom–I looked him up and he is a large, scary dude!

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  25. I grew up on eighties television, in which everyone had a supercar with a cool name: KITT, the General Lee, the Mystery Machine, the Bluesmobile, the Batmobile, the Ectomobile, the Wolfmobile. I always imagined I’d name my own car one day, but the only thing that seems fitting for my ’07 Civic is “Old Reliable,” which doesn’t sound like the kind of vehicle that can outrun the sheriff, jump Frog’s Holler Creek, and make it to the Boar’s Nest barroom in time for happy hour.

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