My Week 142: Which Wolverine is Which? and They Call Me The Streak

Friday: I am befuddled by Wolverine

I remember a time when superhero movies and shows were so much simpler. There was Batman (Godspeed, Adam West—to me, you will always be the BEST bat), who fought crime with his sidekick Robin. There was the cartoon Aquaman, who lived in an underwater kingdom and rode around on a seahorse with his sidekick Aqualad, fighting the forces of evil. Then, of course, there were Superman and Spiderman, each with their OWN show. Apparently at one point, the Flash appeared on the Superman cartoon, but other than that, there were no cross-overs, no re-imaginings, no “Origin” stories and no guest appearances. It was easy to keep straight. Then came the Superfriends, which Ken INSISTS on calling the “Justice League”, and yes, I know that was their official name, Ken, but the SHOW was called Superfriends. It made sense, because they all worked together to solve crime, instead of randomly appearing in each other’s movies. (As an aside, I’m including Rocket Robin Hood in my list of childhood cartoons, but that was someone’s drug-fuelled hallucination gone bad with its bizarre mix of the Middle Ages and futuristic technology—I’m surprised no one has remade this yet. Also, there was Hercules, which I believe was created by the same studio since the characters all looked the same. I was wracking my brains trying to find the theme to Rocket Robin Hood which included the words, “Softness in his eyes and iron in his thighs”, which sounds a little pervy for a kid’s cartoon, am I right? Then I remembered THAT was Hercules, which also might explain why I thought that Rocket Robin Hood fought the Minotaur and had a sidekick named Newt).

Then, on Friday night, Ken and I decided to rent a movie, and Logan was available. We started watching it and right away, I was confused:

Me: Why is Wolverine so old? Why is he driving a limo? Where are the rest of the X-Men?
Ken: This takes place in the future. It’s, like, a reboot—a totally different timeline.
Me: So, Jennifer Lawrence isn’t in this one?
Ken: Not sure. We’ll have to wait and see.
Me: Is that Stephen Merchant?! Ooh, is Ricky Gervais in this too? I could totally see him as, like, “Sarcastic Man”. His superpower would be destroying his enemies with the lowest form of wit.

(Warning: If you haven’t seen Logan yet, there might be a spoiler or two coming up.) Anyway, in THIS movie, Professor X is really old and there’s a new, young group of mutants created by an evil scientist and a random English dude who escape from the scientist’s evil laboratory, and then it turns into a really boring chase/fight sequence involving a little girl who’s apparently Wolverine’s test-tube daughter and some guy who’s a Wolverine clone. No one can kill anyone, until—well, I don’t want to spoil it, but let’s just say an adamanatium bullet plays a role. Then Wolverine and Professor X both die, and I was so confused.

Me: I thought there was another X-Men movie coming out soon. How can that happen if Professor X is dead?
Ken: I think that’s a different timeline.
Me: How many f*cking timelines are there? This is so confusing.

Then, on Saturday afternoon, I started watching X-Men: Origins where Wolverine was part of a mercenary group that included Ryan Reynolds and Dominic Monaghan, and I was like, “What the hell? Is that DEADPOOL?! Are there HOBBITS in this movie?! This crossover thing has gone too far!” And in this one, Wolverine was a Canadian (yes, Canadian!) lumberjack. Was he ALWAYS Canadian, or are they setting up a new timeline where he works with Captain Canuck? (As another sidenote, Captain Canuck is the quintessential Canadian superhero—he has superstrength, an eidetic memory, is fully bilingual, and of course, polite. If he took his shirt off more often, Justin Trudeau could play him in the movie). After the first 10 minutes, I decided to stop watching because I needed to go back and start the X-Men series at the beginning. But trying to figure out where exactly the beginning IS seems like an impossible task, what with all the movies that are filmed later but take place BEFORE other things. It’s like Star Wars, where the first movie is Episode IV, but kids today think that’s the 4th movie, but it’s NOT, T. Or like the Alien series, where we were all like, “Is Prometheus a sequel or a prequel? Is Covenant a prequel to Prometheus? Why are we moving backwards? That’s not how time works, godammit!”

And then last night, I wanted to rewatch Suicide Squad because it was shot in Toronto right down the street from where I live, and they were all seemingly new superheroes, I think, but the movie was set in Gotham. Yes, Gotham, like where Batman is from. And then Batman was actually in it, and so was the lady from How to Get Away With Murder, and there was all this talk about Superman being dead, and I was like, “When did Superman die?! Was that at the end of Batman Vs. Superman?” Because I was asleep at that point, having been bored to tears by yet another insanely long fight scene where no one could win. And then, at the end, the credits started rolling:

Me: Don’t turn it off yet. There might be a teaser.
Ken: This is a DC Universe. Those only happen with Marvel. I think.
Me: What? Well, you never know. Just wait.

And sure enough, there WAS a teaser. And it was Ben Affleck as Batman with some kind of dossier, and in the dossier was f*cking AQUAMAN! But it wasn’t clear if he wanted to get the Superfriends back together or kill them all. And now, it’s just going to be a non-stop free-for-all of backstories, reimaginings, reboots, and timelines, until all universes are one and Rocket Robin Hood is protecting Sherwood Forest against the Joker in outer space with his trusty sidekick, Nightcrawler.

Saturday: Oh yeah, they call me The Streak

Last Saturday, I was in my bathroom upstairs getting ready for the day, and just about to have a bath, when I realized I was almost out of toilet paper. I was totally naked at the time, but Ken was outside doing yardwork, and no one could see me from the windows since our house is set back from the street, so I made my way downstairs to the cupboard where we keep the toilet paper, bottles of water, and other assorted beverages—a kind of all-purpose pantry, if you will. I was standing there with a roll of toilet paper in one hand, and a Vitamin Water in the other, when Ken, like the damned ninja he is, suddenly appeared with no warning. We stared at each other:

Ken: Well, hello there. I’m sure there’s a very interesting story behind this.
Me: Oh my god, Ken! You’re supposed to be outside! I’m naked!
Ken: Why yes. Yes, you are.
Me (running away): Stop looking at my ass!

Now, you’re probably thinking, “What’s the big deal? They’ve been married for 27 years. Surely, they’ve seen each other naked.” And you would be right, except this was broad daylight, in the middle of a room, and I was holding toilet paper and Ken was holding a garden trowel. If I was a more clever person, I might have responded with, “I’m so sorry—I have no money to pay you for your gardening services…” instead of fleeing like a streaker at a soccer game. But I’m just not comfortable being naked and running around the house unless I’m sure I’m completely alone, and even then it feels weird. Like, even in Toronto, when my roommate’s gone and I have the chain on the door so no one can sneak in, I still put on my pajamas before I leave the bathroom. I COULD run around naked, since the closest neighbour would need a high-powered telescope to see me, but you never know. Sometimes I just give the finger to my window on the off-chance that I’m being spied on, to let the other person know I see them, even though I don’t. And now what I think is that PARANOIA is my super-power, and I deserve a cross-over appearance in the Marvel/DC/Hanna Barbera universe. Just call me “Uncomfortably Naked Girl”.

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14 thoughts on “My Week 142: Which Wolverine is Which? and They Call Me The Streak

  1. I was going to leave an essay on the superhero stuff but then decided that your best bet is just to not worry about it. The X-Men films do have a tendency to mess with timelines (this comes from the comics) so something horrific that happens in the future is prevented by going back to a key point in the past & changing the course of history.
    Yes, I believe Logan is Canadian. You should check out Alpha Flight, a whole bunch of super geezers from your neck of the woods. Basically a Canadian version of the Avengers & quite good fun to read.
    Your house, your rules, your ass. Be proud to strut yer stuff. A couple of weeks ago I answered the phone to my mum when I was on the way to the shower & after 10 minutes had to explain that I had to go because I was stark naked and was getting cold. Thank god it wasn’t on Skype.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My house, my rules, my ass. THAT is officially my new motto. Plus, I just found out that Toronto wasn’t Gotham–it was some place called “Midway”. Where the hell is THAT?! So confusing…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG i felt the SAME way about Logan!!! i thought i was missing something…wasn’t this billed as the most AMAZING superhero movie of all superhero movies and it would change the way the genre would be filmed forever and ever amen??? And then he dies and i’m like…OH. Yeah. THIS is good. But only because i cried. i’m still not sure i know what that whole movie was about. But that little girl saved it – what an actress!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, I get super confused with the timelines thing about superhero media. That’s why I don’t even dare to pick up the comics (I mean, they even have a timeline in an alternative universe where everyone is a zumbi)
    And I still haven’t watched Logan and I’m not sure I will

    And don’t worry, you are not alone in your paranoia. I simply cannot walk around naked even if I’m sure I’m alone. And I only change in my room if I’m sure the windows are closed

    Liked by 1 person

    • People keep telling me I’ll understand what’s going on if I read the comics. No thanks! I’m actually just going to watch ALL the movies. It will take me until at least next year or until the newest X-Men comes out!

      Like

  4. I was over at my parents’ overnight a few months back, and the sheets on the bed were from my childhood, and it was Super Friends. The pillowcase said “Super Friends,” I’m sure. But here’s the thing: It was from the cartoon, but rather than having the Wonder Twins on them (“Shape of, a bucket of water!”), they had people named Wendy and Marvin, who didn’t look like they had any super powers at all, even though Marvin wore a cape.

    That wasn’t the Super Friends I remember. Maybe I came in after that, since Amaazon tells me Season 1 started the year I was born.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know Aquaman gets made fun of but how many superheroes can go underwater? We never even see Superman diving into the ocean depths that cover most of our planet. So I’m looking forward to an Aquaman movie but, like you, I wish they’d stop making all the superhero timelines so complicated. And dark.
    If there’s one thing Adam West’s portrayal of Batman taught us it’s that superheroes can be childish and silly and still be enjoyable to adults.
    And speaking of childish and silly superheroes you may remember that a variety of superheroes with the power of invisibility–including Susan Storm–can only be completely invisible when they’re naked.
    Admit it. You were really working on that superpower.

    Liked by 1 person

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