If you know anything about me at all, you’ll know that I’m a huge fan of the Alien/Predator franchise. I’ve seen all the movies, my favourite of which is Alien Vs. Predator and it’s my go-to film whenever I’m feeling down or bored. So you can imagine how thrilled I was to see a new addition to the series–the film Prey, starring Amber Midthunder. Ken and I decided to watch it on Wednesday night, and let me tell you, it was one of the most disappointing movies I’ve ever seen, for a variety of reasons. Never mind that it takes place in 1719 and in the first few minutes, the girl’s dog is caught by a metal legtrap, but instead of freaking out that there are strangers in the woods, she just calmly frees the dog and goes about her business. And I was like, is this an old school Predator using weirdly archaic weapons? But no, it was just the French. Luckily, I can read French really well, because despite the fact that the Comanches, most of whom were super-sexist, all spoke English, the French (who were also super-sexist) DID NOT, and there were no English subtitles so I was forced to translate all the French dialogue as quickly as I could for Ken. The only cool thing about the movie was that there was quicksand. Yes, quicksand. And because I grew up in the 70s, I knew exactly what the girl needed to do.
Me: Don’t struggle! Float on your back and make small movements!
Ken: I saw that on Gilligan’s Island once.
Me: I really thought based on my childhood TV viewing that I would have needed to know how to survive quicksand before now.
At any rate, the movie was dumb and if I’d been in it, I would have taken my dog and gotten the hell out of there–let all those misogynist dudes fend for themselves:
Sexist Guys: Oh save us from the alien, mydangblog!
Me: Maybe you should have thought of that before you made fun of me in front of the Chief. See ya, nerds!
I would have been great in that movie. In fact, I would have been great in a lot of movies…
1) Let’s start with Star Wars, at the moment before the Death Star is about to be destroyed…
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust your feelings.
Me: I really wish you would call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: Concentrate, Mydangblog.
Me: But all the other guys get cool nicknames! There’s Red Leader, Gold Leader, Wedge, Goose…aw, Goose just got exploded.
Obi-Wan: Goose was from Top Gun. Will you please concentrate?!
Me: Ok, I’m going into the weird tunnel. I’m gonna blow sh*t up!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Mydangblog.
Me: No way. Imma use this visor thing with the targeting computer in it.
Obi-Wan: LET GO!
Me: Are you Force-splaining how to destroy a Death Star to me?
Darth Vader (heavy, pervy breathing): The lunacy is strong with this one.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust me.
Me: That heavy-breathing perv just shot my robot! That’s it! Tick tock, m*therf*cker—your time is up! (*puts on theme song which is obviously Boom Boom Pow, blasts everything in sight with my laser guns, manages to hit portal, Death Star detonates*)
I know—it ends just like the real Star Wars, but it was a lot more fun.
2) The Empire Strikes Back
Scene: Out on some glacier.
Me: Holy sh*t, it’s cold.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog. Mydangblog.
Me: You again? I told you to call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: You will go to the Disco-Bar system and learn yoga.
Me: What the actual f*ck? Urghhhh, it’s so cold…
Han Solo: Mydangblog!! Come on, give me a sign here! There’s not much time! I’m going to cut open this Tauntaun and put you inside it to keep you warm.
Me: GROSS. I’D RATHER DIE.
So in my world, I only appear in two Star Wars movies, but I stand by my choice. Tauntaun intestines are disgusting.
3) 2001: A Space Odyssey
Monkeys all screaming and having some kind of monkey war. I suddenly appear, like a strange female monolith. They stop and stare.
Me: Hey chimps! Which one of you wants to be my monkey butler?
(*One monkey tentatively walks forward. He picks up a big bone from like a Tyrannosaurus or whatnot, and advances on me.*)
Me: OK, cool. I shall name you Ralph Van Wooster.
(*Monkey shakes his head and waves the bone menacingly. More monkeys start to move towards me.*)
Me: I think I’ve misjudged this situation terribly.
(*Monkeys stop their in-fighting and attack me with their dinosaur bones. Then they, after having united against me, live in peace and harmony until the end of time.*)
Me, in the bathtub, splashing around and having a dandy time. For some reason, the shower curtain is pulled closed, which I would NEVER do in real life because I need to know if someone is sneaking up on me, but let’s suspend our disbelief for a moment. There’s the silhouette of a figure approaching, knife raised. The shower curtain is suddenly pulled back. Violins screech and then stop abruptly. Norman Bates looks confused.
Norman: Why aren’t you in the SHOWER?!
Me: Showers are the devil’s cleaning system! Get out of my bathroom, you psycho! (*grabs hammer that I always keep on the bathtub ledge and breaks his kneecap as theme song, Boom Boom Pow, plays*)
Norman: I wouldn’t even harm a fly!…
5) Lord of the Rings
Gandalf: OK, so you’re going to take the ring—
Me: I know, I know—to the tiptop of Mount Crumpet and there I’m going to dump it.
Gandalf: No, that’s wrong.
Me: Come on, Samwise—I need you to pull my sleigh.
Samwise: Of course, MyD–I mean Player One.
Me: Sam, I’m glad you’re with me.
Gandalf: Fly, you fools.
Cue theme song, which never gets old.