Animal Cracker-Uppers, Launched

On Fridays, I go to a physiotherapy clinic for shock wave therapy. I always have to explain to people that it’s not ELECTROSHOCK therapy—it’s a jackhammer-like treatment that pounds your skin so deeply that calcium embedded in your tendons disintegrates. Or so they say. I’m not sure how exactly it works, and I tried to look it up on the internet but it basically defines shock wave therapy as the thing that it is, to wit: “Extracorporeal shock wave therapy (ESWT) is a non-invasive treatment that involves delivery of shock waves to injured soft tissue” (Mayo Clinic). None of this is enlightening in any way, but it does help to differentiate it from having high voltage electricity pass through your brain. And here’s a slight tangent—at the physiotherapy clinic that I go to regularly, they insist on calling me Susan, no matter how many times I correct them. And the other thing is that in every room, there’s a three-shelf trolley on wheels with different kinds of equipment on each shelf. On the bottom shelf of every trolley is a sticker that says BOTTOM SHELF, and I’m pretty sure the people at the Mayo Clinic are responsible for that one as well. But my question is “Why label it?!” Is there the slightest chance that if the sticker is removed, someone is going to flip the trolley upside down and send all of the equipment flying around the clinic? The wheels would be ON TOP, THUS DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF A WHEELED TROLLEY. And if you know me at all, you know that the real problem here is that I’m desperate to find out if the other shelves are similarly labelled, like does the middle shelf have a sticker that says MIDDLE or does the top shelf say TOP? Except the top two shelves ALWAYS have things on them. Every week, I keep hoping that the physiotherapist will suddenly exclaim, “Oh Susan, the pizza has just arrived so I need to step out!” and then I can take a peek for myself. But SHE NEVER LEAVES.

Anyway, on the way to physiotherapy, I drive by a business that has a very large sign out front, and the sign regularly says some very strange things. A few weeks ago, I did a double-take because it proclaimed, “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” Apparently, Napoleon said that, according to Google, which I doubt because Napoleon didn’t speak English. But still, it’s a strange thing to put on a sign. And then on Friday, I drove by and the sign read, “Private Sign: Do Not Read”. And while both sentiments are weird, the most bizarre thing about the whole situation is that the business in question is a VETERINARY CLINIC. And all I can think is what kind of f*cking veterinarian believes either of these things will draw in new customers? I could see if the sign read “Dogs and Cats Welcome” or even “Our Bark Is Worse Than Our Bite”, but suggesting that the people inside the clinic are enemies and are each hoping that the other will make a mistake, potentially on YOUR SICK ANIMAL? That’s the craziest thing I’ve seen in a while. I googled Funny Quotes For Veterinarians and found a bunch from a variety of different Animal Hospitals, and here are ten of the best ones:

1) What Do You Feed An Invisible Cat? Evaporated Milk

2) What Does A Lazy Dog Chase? Parked Cars

3) What Do Cats Do In A Fight? They Hiss And Make Up

4) What Do You Call A Pile Of Cats? A Meowtain

5) What Do You Call A Dog Magician? A Labracadabrador

6) We Like Big Mutts And We Cannot Lie

7) Why Can’t Dalmations Hide? Because They’re Always Spotted (that one’s for you, Chris)

8) Your Pets Will Love Us, We Shih Tzu Not!

9) Your Doggone Cute, I’m Not Kitten

10) Happy Mardi Gras, Show Us Your Kitties

See? It’s not hard to come up with funny sayings to put on signs that will entice people to bring their pets to you rather than terrify them. Although, to be perfectly honest, the only sign I ever want to see outside anything is this one:

In other news, last week at work, a guy came up to the counter to pay for some random computer game:

Guy: Cocaine is amazing.
Me: What?
Guy: Cocaine. It’s the best. Yummy yummy cocaine.
Me: Did you want to buy this game?
Guy: Yes. Cocaine is awesome. Did I tell you that already?
Me: Sigh. That’ll be $13.56. Have a good day.
Guy: Oh, I will.

Cocaine. Because why the hell not?

In other, other news, the book launch for my new book At The End Of It All was yesterday afternoon. Whenever I have an event, I always worry that no one will come, but people always do, and yesterday was no exception. A huge thank you to the many people who attended in support of me and my writing–it was a blast!

62 thoughts on “Animal Cracker-Uppers, Launched”

  3. barbaramullenix's avatar barbaramullenix says:

    OK – this is the 2nd week in a row that I’ve commented and it vanishes. WordPress makes me log in and promises to post my comment, but it never shows up. I see other comments appear but never mine (sob).

    Congratulations on your successful book launch! May it continue until the next one!

    Barbara Mullenix

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  4. I really enjoyed reading your blog post! It’s interesting to learn about shock wave therapy and the label on the trolley in the physiotherapy clinic. Regarding the strange sign outside the veterinary clinic, I completely agree with you that it’s a bizarre marketing tactic. My question is, why do you think they put up such strange and inappropriate messages for a business that caters to sick animals?

    mr w

    primarytinting.net

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  6. The Dalmatian joke made me laugh, especially with a Dalmatian next to me right now. There’s a storage company I pass by sometimes that has the same sort of weird sayings on its sign but it makes sense for a storage company. They store everything so non sequiturs fit in there. But let’s focus on what matters, and it’s not cocaine, or even bottom shelves. You not only had an event for The End Of It All but you had a book cake. Libraries used to celebrate April 1st with an Edible Books Festival. It’s nice to see that back and a cake for your book is truly top drawer.

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    • Ken made the cake himself–he’s so awesome. We didn’t have a tiny crow so he painted a chickadee with black Sharpie, lol! And I just had to include the Dalmatian joke for you–it was too funny!

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  7. First of all, I am jealous that you had the opportunity to sit on a stage as part of your book release. I’m again reminded of my family friend, Allen Ginsberg, who would recite poetry in such a manner and he would always tell me that, “one day [I] should dedicate my life to writing and in doing so, I would one day have my stage.”

    It hasn’t happened yet, but I remain hopeful.

    In related news, as you know, Amelia and I own a brownstone in New York City, and they recently passed a law requiring glow-in-the-dark signage to be placed on every floor that states the floor number and the exit floor(s). The signs need to be 2 foot (0.6 meter) squares and the font needs to be large enough to barely squeeze onto the signs. We will be meeting with the tenants in about a week, and I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces. The apartment where I grew up on the down floor occupies two floors plus a basement, so the signs will need to be inside their apartment. Poor people will have a night light that they cannot turn off now.

    This leads me to my next point where my late father used to say that god must have liked stupid people as there are so many of them. Although he was abusive and a terrible father to me, perhaps his only redeeming quality was his wisdom. I suppose he was right in a way, considering that we now have to attach signage to everything that any high-functioning person would find blatantly obvious, such as labeling wheeled carts, for example.

    Thanks again for a fun post, and please keep in touch. 🙂

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  8. The veterinary clinic is obviously run by a mad doctor, probably the kind of doctor who offers the real shock therapy to his patients…

    “Just strap Fluffy into the chair against the wall there and I’ll have those worms gone in no time Ms. Johnson!” (Evilly rubs hands together as he prepares to throw the switch…..)

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  9. The shelf on the cart thing is probably going to haunt me until I experience REM sleep again. First, if there is a need to label the bottom shelf, are the other shelves labeled as well? Because, that need would still exist. Would you need to ever label the middle shelf, because, no matter what, it would . . . never mind. Is it sarcasm? “Susan, or whatever your name is, I told you to put the contaminated jumper cables on the bottom shelf. BOTTOM SHELF! How many times do I need to say this. Put them HERE! (points) THIS is the bottom shelf!” (Gets out the label gun.) Or something along those lines. We’ll never know, though, will we?
    Anyway, nice stage setup. Looks like you could do a magic act, or a standup routine.

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  11. Of course people will show up at your book launch events, your writing is amazing Susan…lol. Do you feel better after your electro-what’s it therapy? And I never got why people label the obvious but you know there is a reason or stupid person as to why they did 🙄.
    I think weird/funny sign quotes is a “thing” now. You see them everywhere.

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  13. Was your reading recorded?
    “Bottom Shelf” :
    • Isn’t that the name of your antiques / swap-shop?
    • Where the bulk-cereal crowd shops.
    • The location of what’s colloquially known as a “tramp stamp”.
    • Grundboden: the German bar where the Beatles put in their 10,000 hours.
    • The location in the morgue’s freezer where the dismemberments are stored.

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  14. Those are strange signs for a veterinarian’s office. They must be on cocaine or something. I liked your internet finds, Susan, particularly the “Labracadabrador” and “We Like Big Mutts And We Cannot Lie.” Lol. And congrats again on the wonderful read. I’m glad the launch was great fun. 🙂

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  23. Wow, I had never heard of shock wave therapy before reading this post. It sounds like a pretty intense treatment, but also effective if it can help disintegrate calcium embedded in tendons. I can understand why you have to clarify that it’s not electroshock therapy, as the two sound very different. I wonder if there’s any research out there on the long-term effects of shock wave therapy, or if it’s still a relatively new treatment option. Also, why do they insist on calling you Susan at the physiotherapy clinic? Is that your name or are they just getting it wrong?

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    • No long term effects and it’s supposed to be completely safe, but I find that my recovery time is getting longer after each treatment, so I think I’m going to stop for a bit. They’re going to miss Susan, no doubt about it!

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    • No, only if I want to. Once the weather gets nicer, I’m going to contact a few local bookstores to see if I can do signings there. But I do find them very stressful just standing there in the public eye with people I don’t know walking past me:-)

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