On Fridays, I go to a physiotherapy clinic for shock wave therapy. I always have to explain to people that it’s not ELECTROSHOCK therapy—it’s a jackhammer-like treatment that pounds your skin so deeply that calcium embedded in your tendons disintegrates. Or so they say. I’m not sure how exactly it works, and I tried to look it up on the internet but it basically defines shock wave therapy as the thing that it is, to wit: “Extracorporeal shock wave therapy (ESWT) is a non-invasive treatment that involves delivery of shock waves to injured soft tissue” (Mayo Clinic). None of this is enlightening in any way, but it does help to differentiate it from having high voltage electricity pass through your brain. And here’s a slight tangent—at the physiotherapy clinic that I go to regularly, they insist on calling me Susan, no matter how many times I correct them. And the other thing is that in every room, there’s a three-shelf trolley on wheels with different kinds of equipment on each shelf. On the bottom shelf of every trolley is a sticker that says BOTTOM SHELF, and I’m pretty sure the people at the Mayo Clinic are responsible for that one as well. But my question is “Why label it?!” Is there the slightest chance that if the sticker is removed, someone is going to flip the trolley upside down and send all of the equipment flying around the clinic? The wheels would be ON TOP, THUS DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF A WHEELED TROLLEY. And if you know me at all, you know that the real problem here is that I’m desperate to find out if the other shelves are similarly labelled, like does the middle shelf have a sticker that says MIDDLE or does the top shelf say TOP? Except the top two shelves ALWAYS have things on them. Every week, I keep hoping that the physiotherapist will suddenly exclaim, “Oh Susan, the pizza has just arrived so I need to step out!” and then I can take a peek for myself. But SHE NEVER LEAVES.
Anyway, on the way to physiotherapy, I drive by a business that has a very large sign out front, and the sign regularly says some very strange things. A few weeks ago, I did a double-take because it proclaimed, “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” Apparently, Napoleon said that, according to Google, which I doubt because Napoleon didn’t speak English. But still, it’s a strange thing to put on a sign. And then on Friday, I drove by and the sign read, “Private Sign: Do Not Read”. And while both sentiments are weird, the most bizarre thing about the whole situation is that the business in question is a VETERINARY CLINIC. And all I can think is what kind of f*cking veterinarian believes either of these things will draw in new customers? I could see if the sign read “Dogs and Cats Welcome” or even “Our Bark Is Worse Than Our Bite”, but suggesting that the people inside the clinic are enemies and are each hoping that the other will make a mistake, potentially on YOUR SICK ANIMAL? That’s the craziest thing I’ve seen in a while. I googled Funny Quotes For Veterinarians and found a bunch from a variety of different Animal Hospitals, and here are ten of the best ones:
1) What Do You Feed An Invisible Cat? Evaporated Milk
2) What Does A Lazy Dog Chase? Parked Cars
3) What Do Cats Do In A Fight? They Hiss And Make Up
4) What Do You Call A Pile Of Cats? A Meowtain
5) What Do You Call A Dog Magician? A Labracadabrador
6) We Like Big Mutts And We Cannot Lie
7) Why Can’t Dalmations Hide? Because They’re Always Spotted (that one’s for you, Chris)
8) Your Pets Will Love Us, We Shih Tzu Not!
9) Your Doggone Cute, I’m Not Kitten
10) Happy Mardi Gras, Show Us Your Kitties
See? It’s not hard to come up with funny sayings to put on signs that will entice people to bring their pets to you rather than terrify them. Although, to be perfectly honest, the only sign I ever want to see outside anything is this one:
In other news, last week at work, a guy came up to the counter to pay for some random computer game:
Guy: Cocaine is amazing.
Guy: Cocaine. It’s the best. Yummy yummy cocaine.
Me: Did you want to buy this game?
Guy: Yes. Cocaine is awesome. Did I tell you that already?
Me: Sigh. That’ll be $13.56. Have a good day.
Guy: Oh, I will.
Cocaine. Because why the hell not?
In other, other news, the book launch for my new book At The End Of It All was yesterday afternoon. Whenever I have an event, I always worry that no one will come, but people always do, and yesterday was no exception. A huge thank you to the many people who attended in support of me and my writing–it was a blast!