Medical (Ghostly) Mishaps

I knew I was in trouble the day I could no longer do a cartwheel. I was on the front lawn with Kate, about 10 years ago, on a beautiful summer day, and I decided to try and impress her by showing off my cartwheel skills. The next thing I knew, I was curled up in a ball in the grass, wondering what the hell had happened. And it’s been all downhill from there if this past week has been any indication:

1) The shoulder procedure that never happened

I have calcific tendonitis in my shoulder, and I’ve been waiting six months for a procedure using ultrasound and a very long needle to smash up the calcium. I finally got to the hospital and the surgeon (you may remember him from a previous post, the guy who had an issue with tattoos) took one look at the ultrasound and said, “There’s too much calcium. I can’t do it. I’m going to give you a cortisone shot instead.” I would have lost my sh*t and reminded him that I had an ultrasound in June that showed EXACTLY how much calcium—

(Okay, my house is definitely haunted. I’m sitting here writing after finally getting the dog settled and convincing him that there’s nothing upstairs when I just heard someone whistle. If I go into the other room and find Atlas staring and crying at the basement door again, I will run out of here screaming. And of course, Ken isn’t here—he’s following a miniature train around town collecting food for the Thanksgiving food drive. And now the dog is making woofing sounds under his breath from the other room and I don’t have a baseball bat or a hammer in my office, just a collection of oars and two tennis rackets, and yes, I know that’s a weird collection to have and probably ineffectual to attack a ghost with anyway.)

–I had in my shoulder and he might have let me know it was too much before I had to TAKE A DAY OFF WORK but I didn’t say anything because yet again, he had a giant needle stuck in my shoulder. Of course, the cortisone has already worn off, so I’m back to square one.

2) CAT scan for kidney stones

As far as I’m concerned, it should be common medical practice that there is a cat in the room when you have a CAT scan because a) it’s named after a cat and b) when they tell you mere moments before you go into the room that your scan will be done using intravenous dye, someone needs to give you a cat to hold so that you don’t freak out—

(Speaking of freaking out, the house is suddenly VERY quiet except for the clattering of my laptop keys and an intermittent thumping noise that seems to be coming from the basement…)

–especially when the information pamphlet they give you states that “very few people have ever died from this procedure and if you do have any issues, you are in a hospital and we are very equipped to handle medical emergencies.” And that is NOT as reassuring as they think it sounds.

I have scanned you and you look fine.

3) Emergency Ophthalmologist

On Monday morning I woke up and thought that I was having a migraine aura because I kept seeing flashing lights out of the corner of my eye. But then that stopped and then it seemed like I was looking through gauze so I called my optometrist. He thought it might be a retinal tear so he sent me to an emergency ophthalmologist. My appointment was for 3:10. The office was huge and full of people who kept arriving and being taken into exam rooms immediately while I just sat there. At 4:10, I asked the receptionist what was going on–

(and what’s going on here is that the dog just ran into the living room, jumped up on the couch and is now staring into the kitchen)

–and she said, “You’re an emergency case so you have to wait until all the other scheduled patients are seen.” Which is the most ludicrous statement I think I’ve ever heard and I don’t think she understands what ‘emergency’ means in this context. At 5 o’clock, one of the doctors turned the lights out in his exam room and ran past me, high-fiving HIMSELF and exclaiming, “It’s over! I’m outta here!” I finally saw someone close to 5:30 who diagnosed me with a posterior vitreous detachment–

(the dog is now in the kitchen growling at something and I am holding the smallest of the oars and typing with one hand)

–which isn’t as serious as a retinal detachment but still means that it seems like I’m looking through Vaseline in my left eye a lot of the time which is really annoying. The funniest thing about it is that my boss at work was horrified when I told him and asked, “So your eye could just FALL OUT?!” and I had to explain that it was a detachment INSIDE the eye, not the things that attach your eyeball to your skull or whatnot.

What are you staring at?!

And I don’t know whether I should just stay in here typing where it’s safe, or take my oar and go into the kitchen. Then again, after this week, how much more damage can a ghost do?..

Also, this is part of my insides. Apparently, I’m a Tesla.

49 thoughts on “Medical (Ghostly) Mishaps”

  3. How weird is this for a coincidence? I had the exact same thing last Monday (my Birthday) in my right eye. I don’t get migraines but it freaked me out just the same. Then nothing more, so I’m pretending that it isn’t anything to worry about. The flashing lights would have been cool if they had been over the entire eye and projected on a wall. Not so much in the corner where I could only see that I had an ‘issue’. You’ve got to get a braver dog.

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  4. Maybe the vitreous detachment will enable you to see ghosts and you’ll realize the ghost you’ve got just wants to play with Atlas. And holding a cat during a CAT scan is a great idea. I had an MRI and they let me listen to music during it, which was very reassuring, but a cat would be even better. Unless the cat tried to get away and clawed me.

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  5. What a week of medical aggravation, Suzanne. I’m sorry that there wasn’t anything the doc could do about the calcium. Argh. And that eye appointment would have me tearing my hair out. The good news is that your eyeball is still inside your skull. And a cliff-hanger? Now I’m dying for the thrilling end to your ghost story!

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  6. Holy detached eyeball Batman!! I can’t believe your boss at work actually thought your eyeball would just fall out? Like you’d be at the antique mall cleaning the restrooms and he’d heat you yelling that your eyeball fell out…😝. He’d be so much in shock he wouldn’t even be able to call the ambulance for the EMTs to pick up your eyeball from the mop bucket. I don’t know about Atlas, he’s onto something there. My son used to say when Charlie would just stare onto other rooms that they can see things from different dimensions. It would creep me out so much. But in our new house, he doesn’t do that anymore, thank goodness.

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  7. Doctors and needles and ghosts, oh my. I can seriously see this as a Netflix movie/series. Comedy, tragedy, Halloween special, your call. But I do hope things improve, and I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time healthwise.

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  8. My husband thought he had a detached retina and I had to grab him and drive him asap in Houston downtown to the hospital. It is certainly an emergency! And it was and he had eye problems constantly after. The tennis racket is lighter so you can get a harder swing. Good luck. You need some of the keys from “Locke and Key”😂

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  9. An actual cat for a CAT scan is a marvellous idea, and I’m going to pitch that idea to our local hospital.

    Here’s hoping next week will be a much better one in terms of medical procedures and ghosts. And here’s hoping your eye doesn’t fall out! (haha)

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  13. The basement! Ugh. Why is it always the basement? At least you did not follow the horror movie recipe of going down there alone. I always wonder why they’re so stupid. I think you need to get a smudge stick!

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  14. This all sucks and I hate that you have to go through any of it. I am choosing to believe the ghost is a friendly but slightly shy entity, there to distract you from the bullshit medical crap. Huge hugs Lovely Lady❤️

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    • I think the ghost is upset by all the construction and will go back to being quiet once both sides of the street are finally finished! Hugs back to you–hope you’re doing well:-)

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  15. At this point, Suzanne, it seems more likely that you’d find a responsive Ghostbuster than a surgeon — which might be just what the doctor ordered! (Though let’s hope a doctor doesn’t order you a Ghostbuster, else you’ll really be out of luck!)

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  16. Holy ghostly apparitions! You are plagued by things that go bump in the basement and Atlas has better hearing than any human will ever have… so maybe the construction site is unsettling your house in some way? But where is the whistling coming from? Ye gads, could more things go wrong for you? So sorry, that you have multiple medical mashups. This guy you see for your shoulder, makes me wonder, can you get a second opinion from another doctor or is that not allowed in Canada?
    I had an eye “event” a few years back while I was driving. That was scary. So I hope the eye doctor helps you out pronto.
    Atlas certainly is looking serious in the photo. There’s something going on…pretty eery.

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