I’m In The Movies

If you know anything about me at all, you’ll know that I’m a huge fan of the Alien/Predator franchise. I’ve seen all the movies, my favourite of which is Alien Vs. Predator and it’s my go-to film whenever I’m feeling down or bored. So you can imagine how thrilled I was to see a new addition to the series–the film Prey, starring Amber Midthunder. Ken and I decided to watch it on Wednesday night, and let me tell you, it was one of the most disappointing movies I’ve ever seen, for a variety of reasons. Never mind that it takes place in 1719 and in the first few minutes, the girl’s dog is caught by a metal legtrap, but instead of freaking out that there are strangers in the woods, she just calmly frees the dog and goes about her business. And I was like, is this an old school Predator using weirdly archaic weapons? But no, it was just the French. Luckily, I can read French really well, because despite the fact that the Comanches, most of whom were super-sexist, all spoke English, the French (who were also super-sexist) DID NOT, and there were no English subtitles so I was forced to translate all the French dialogue as quickly as I could for Ken. The only cool thing about the movie was that there was quicksand. Yes, quicksand. And because I grew up in the 70s, I knew exactly what the girl needed to do.

Me: Don’t struggle! Float on your back and make small movements!
Ken: I saw that on Gilligan’s Island once.
Me: I really thought based on my childhood TV viewing that I would have needed to know how to survive quicksand before now.

At any rate, the movie was dumb and if I’d been in it, I would have taken my dog and gotten the hell out of there–let all those misogynist dudes fend for themselves:

Sexist Guys: Oh save us from the alien, mydangblog!
Me: Maybe you should have thought of that before you made fun of me in front of the Chief. See ya, nerds!

I would have been great in that movie. In fact, I would have been great in a lot of movies…

The Battle Of Upper Landing

1) Let’s start with Star Wars, at the moment before the Death Star is about to be destroyed…

Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust your feelings.
Me: I really wish you would call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: Concentrate, Mydangblog.
Me: But all the other guys get cool nicknames! There’s Red Leader, Gold Leader, Wedge, Goose…aw, Goose just got exploded.
Obi-Wan: Goose was from Top Gun. Will you please concentrate?!
Me: Ok, I’m going into the weird tunnel. I’m gonna blow sh*t up!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Mydangblog.
Me: No way. Imma use this visor thing with the targeting computer in it.
Obi-Wan: LET GO!
Me: Are you Force-splaining how to destroy a Death Star to me?
Darth Vader (heavy, pervy breathing): The lunacy is strong with this one.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog, trust me.
Me: That heavy-breathing perv just shot my robot! That’s it! Tick tock, m*therf*cker—your time is up! (*puts on theme song which is obviously Boom Boom Pow, blasts everything in sight with my laser guns, manages to hit portal, Death Star detonates*)

I know—it ends just like the real Star Wars, but it was a lot more fun.

2) The Empire Strikes Back

Scene: Out on some glacier.

Me: Holy sh*t, it’s cold.
Obi-Wan: Mydangblog. Mydangblog.
Me: You again? I told you to call me Player One.
Obi-Wan: You will go to the Disco-Bar system and learn yoga.
Me: What the actual f*ck? Urghhhh, it’s so cold…
Han Solo: Mydangblog!! Come on, give me a sign here! There’s not much time! I’m going to cut open this Tauntaun and put you inside it to keep you warm.
Me: GROSS. I’D RATHER DIE.

So in my world, I only appear in two Star Wars movies, but I stand by my choice. Tauntaun intestines are disgusting.

3) 2001: A Space Odyssey

Opening scene:

Monkeys all screaming and having some kind of monkey war. I suddenly appear, like a strange female monolith. They stop and stare.

Me: Hey chimps! Which one of you wants to be my monkey butler?

(*One monkey tentatively walks forward. He picks up a big bone from like a Tyrannosaurus or whatnot, and advances on me.*)

Me: OK, cool. I shall name you Ralph Van Wooster.

(*Monkey shakes his head and waves the bone menacingly. More monkeys start to move towards me.*)

Me: I think I’ve misjudged this situation terribly.

(*Monkeys stop their in-fighting and attack me with their dinosaur bones. Then they, after having united against me, live in peace and harmony until the end of time.*)

4) Psycho

Shower Scene:

Me, in the bathtub, splashing around and having a dandy time. For some reason, the shower curtain is pulled closed, which I would NEVER do in real life because I need to know if someone is sneaking up on me, but let’s suspend our disbelief for a moment. There’s the silhouette of a figure approaching, knife raised. The shower curtain is suddenly pulled back. Violins screech and then stop abruptly. Norman Bates looks confused.

Norman: Why aren’t you in the SHOWER?!
Me: Showers are the devil’s cleaning system! Get out of my bathroom, you psycho! (*grabs hammer that I always keep on the bathtub ledge and breaks his kneecap as theme song, Boom Boom Pow, plays*)
Norman: I wouldn’t even harm a fly!…

Get me out of this shower!!

5) Lord of the Rings

Gandalf: OK, so you’re going to take the ring—
Me: I know, I know—to the tiptop of Mount Crumpet and there I’m going to dump it.
Gandalf: No, that’s wrong.
Me: Come on, Samwise—I need you to pull my sleigh.
Samwise: Of course, MyD–I mean Player One.
Me: Sam, I’m glad you’re with me.
Gandalf: Fly, you fools.

Cue theme song, which never gets old.

39 thoughts on “I’m In The Movies”

  6. Hell yeah!! I’d love to see you in a classic (not that Star Wars isn’t) like Gone With The Wind, The Great Escape, The Third Man!! Using your very own theme song! Thank you for the movie review, taking it off my watchlist, no need to watch it now.

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  8. Lol. You’d be every director’s bane, Suzanne… erm… Player One, but I think moviegoers would love you. My husband and I watched Prey. I totally agree with your commentary. My husband has finally caught on to plot holes, inconsistencies, and directorial choices that make no real-world sense. Now I’m not the only one “ruining” the movie (as he used to accuse me whenever I pointed those things out). A fun post, as always.

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  9. All my favorite movies, ruined forever now, thank-you-very-much.
    Actually, my favorites are Willie Wonka & Jeremiah Johnson, but I suppose you could ruin those too. PlayerOne, smacking gum, draws a long pull from her mouth, “Bubblicious has you beat, Willie-you-Wonk.”
    The Sioux sneak up and attempt to murder PlayerOne and their adopted, mute son, “Bows n’ arrows, n shit? Bah, take a look at my little friend…” bambambambambam…

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    • You will never watch any of them again without hearing “I got that boom boom pow, them chickens jacking’ my style…”. Of course, my little friend is an otter named Kelly. Take a look at him—he’s adorable. Until he pulls out that machine gun.

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  10. So when do you tell Titus and Ken, “Get back to the chopper!”?
    But really every movie is clearly improved by the presence of Player One, in much the same way that pitting Predators against Aliens was the most brilliant cinematic crossover since Brooks met Hitchcock.

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  11. So when do you tell Titus and Ken “Get back to the chopper!”?
    But seriously the addition of Player One makes every movie better. I’m just sorry this latest AVP installment fell short. Pitting Aliens against Predators was the most brilliant cinematic crossover since Brooks met Hitchcock.

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  12. Christopher says:

    So when do you tell Titus and Ken “Get back to the chopper!”?
    But seriously I’m sorry this installment of AVP was a dud. Pitting Aliens against Predators was the most brilliant cinematic crossover prior to the addition of Player One.

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  17. I’m in complete agreement with you on Prey, Suzanne. Watched it this past weekend and could not reconcile the unanimous praise it’s received with what I was watching. I thought it was full of thin characters making needlessly stupid decisions, unremarkable dialogue, unconvincing CGI, and a monster way too familiar to audiences at this point to still be scary. That was its biggest sin: It wasn’t scary!

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  20. therealtalkfromaj says:

    AVP was awesome! It was actually my first introduction to predator and I loved it. I can tell you’re a character. You would probably even do well if you participated in an improv group of some sort, just something to consider. Good luck with your career!

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