Christmas Carols

Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year. Twinkly lights (which Ken calls “twerking lights”), home baking, holidays, and of course, presents–for those of you who know me well, you are well aware of my love of presents, both giving and receiving them. But the thing that really captures the spirit of the season for me is Christmas music. I start playing Christmas music on the first of December, and I drive Ken crazy by listening to A Charlie Brown Christmas almost continuously (and when the music for the party scene comes on, I always dance like Snoopy. It’s FUN and I also do it at the antique market where I work–they have the radio tuned to the Christmas station all day long, so I get to do my Snoopy dance several times a day. Great cardio.). We also have some beautiful traditional Celtic Christmas stylings, as well as some instrumental stuff we got years ago with cool sound effects in the background, like birds chirping, sleigh bells jingling, or the sound of skates on ice. So as you can tell, I love a lot of Christmas music. But on the other hand, there are some really creepy Christmas songs out there.

1) One of the songs that’s been playing on a loop at work is the version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with Idina Menzel and Michael Bublé. And wow, this is one hella creepy song. It sounds perfectly pleasant and festive but if you listen carefully to the lyrics, you start to wonder how this EVER made it onto anyone’s Christmas playlist because it’s about a woman who wants to leave a man’s apartment, but he’s refusing to let her go. At one point, he convinces her to stay a little longer, and pours her a drink, prompting her soon after to ask, “Say, what’s in this drink?” I’ll tell you what’s in your drink—DRUGS. Here’s a newsflash, lady—if you have to ask that question, your next move should be running for the door. But no. As he takes off her hat, she tells him she really ought to say “No, No, No”, at which point he “moves in closer”. Then she explains that her mother will start to worry and father will be pacing the floor. DUDE, SHE LIVES WITH HER PARENTS—LET. HER. GO. HOME. This guy obviously doesn’t understand CONSENT. Then he tells her that she’s “hurting his pride”. Is this not the epitome of a man who is about to be involved in a major #MeToo scandal? How did this song even get to be a “Christmas carol”? It’s not about Christmas; it’s about a guy trying to get into a girl’s pants. I think Jesus would have a serious objection to a song like that being used to celebrate his birthday. (I was going to say, “because Jesus never tried to get into anyone’s pants”, but then Ken just reminded me that some people say that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, and that’s why he appeared to her first when he was reincarnated or whatnot. Still, Jesus would never have been like, “C’mon baby, I’m not pushy, I’m just opportunistic”). But there are other carols which are actually more Christmas-y which, when you think about them, are equally ridiculous. Here are a few:

2) Jingle Bells: In what possible world is it FUN to dash around in an open sleigh? This song could not possibly have been written in Canada, where it’s regularly -30 degrees. If you’re dashing around without some kind of shield from the wind-chill, you’re going to get frostbite and your nose will fall off. This is only Christmas-y if you put a little bow on the nose and hang it on your Christmas tree. On second thought, that’s not actually festive, it’s just kind of gross.

3) Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart: This is a contemporary tune by George Michael. The first two lines are “Last Christmas I gave you my heart/The very next day, you gave it away.” Is this not the ultimate in regifting? I myself have been known to pass on a mug or something equally inconsequential, but even I wouldn’t stoop so low as to regift a human heart. This is the worst Secret Santa gift ever, like “It’s decomposing a little, but if you keep it on ice for a few days, you can hang it on the tree next to that piece of nose you’ve got there. It’s a nice theme.”

4) God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, The Shark Version: I googled this one and I can’t even find it on the internet, but it was on a compilation of Christmas songs called Santa Jaws that my brother and I had when we were little. The only lyrics I remember are:

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
You’re not so merry now.
The seaside signs said not to swim,
But you swam anyhow...

Moral of that Christmas song–never ignore seaside signs.

5) Honorable Mention: Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy: This one doesn’t get a lot of airplay because it’s just a tad raunchy. Thanks to Gaga, the phrases “let’s fa-la-la-la-la” and “underneath my Christmas tree” are now sexual innuendo. If she got together with the guy from “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” I doubt there would be a lawsuit pending—there would just be one very merry gentleman.

At any rate, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays if you don’t celebrate Christmas. And if you’re looking for a last-minute gift (shameless plug coming as fast as a one-horse open sleigh), don’t forget that you can go to the Potters Grove Press website and download my short story collection Feasting Upon The Bones in either PDF or Kindle version and give it to someone you love. Tell them you know the author personally and that she’s weird, but nice.

42 thoughts on “Christmas Carols”

  1. I’m all too familiar with Christmas music from so many years in retail now, and………… well, I won’t express my feelings for it since you like it so much!

    “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is frequently referred to as “The Date Rape” song here (Not to be confused with the Sublime song “Date Rape” which is awesome). And for all the complaints I hear about the George Michael song… I actually don’t mind the original version of it. But all I hear at work now are about 500 really awful covers of “Last Christmas,” each one even worse than the one before it.

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    • I’d never really heard the “Date Rape” song until I started my new retirement gig job in retail and now I have to hear it several times a day–and it makes me mad every time lol!

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    • Colleen Glim says:

      There is some unwritten law of the multiverse that says you are not a real musician if you haven’t covered that song. One more week and George Michael can rest easy in his grave again. And Mariah crawls back into her coffin for another year

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  3. I remember singing along to these songs without thinking which is true of many sayings etc we used without a thought. I remember a few games and rhymes we used as kids too, never thinking what they might mean. Now it’s like the pendulum has swung too far the other way and every time you open your mouth you are offending someone. I was chastised at a gathering last week when I said Indians with absolutely no disrespect and was told I should have said native Americans and someone else said, no indigenous —so growing up with no disrespect for anyone, as I said now it’s best to just keep my mouth shut.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  4. A college professor once tried to convince me “Baby It’s Cold Outside” was okay because “it’s just a game they’re playing” and that made it even worse for me because that’s textbook victim blaming. And it sounds like a terrible justification for terrible behavior by men. Anyway I’m surprised “Santa Baby” didn’t make the list because that’s clearly a song filled with innuendo. But at least it’s consenting adults.
    A Christmas carol I wish got more air time is “Good King Wenceslas”. It tells a nice story and there’s the hilarious part in Dylan Thomas’s “A Child’s Christmas In Wales” where the kids go to sing it outside an old and possibly haunted house and someone, or something, inside starts singing too and the kids run away in terror.
    Ghost stories at Christmas is a great old tradition and there’s another reason to have your book under the tree.

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    • Oh yeah, I totally forgot about Santa Baby! And did you know it was years before I understood that the Santa Claus that Mommy was kissing was actually Daddy? I was so naïve…I’ve never seen A Child’s Christmas in Wales but if it has ghosts, then it’s next on my watchlist!

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  5. It’s eye opening when one really listens to lyrics of some songs isn’t it? I’ve never been a big fan of “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” I’m a fan of Michael Bublé though, I just love his voice. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I hope you got the Christmas card I sent, hoping it made it all the way up north!! Lol

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  7. And Christmas movies… Same ol’ circuit. Rarely do new, good ones show up. Prolly not a ton of money in them from debut boxoffice receipts. But, hey, it’s the repeat effect, you know? (How did that date-rape song make it into Elf? Nuts!)

    There are some cool youtube “ambiance” vids of holiday coffee houses w/music. Some are fascinating, like I-Spy: “oh look, do you see the cat? What about the mouse in the corner?”

    What’s the sit-rep on your ailment?

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  8. I can tell you that the Peanuts song plays around here all the time, too, because we own all three of these dazzling collections:

    They sing, they dance, they light up, and they are fun as heck! We pull them out every Thanksgiving, and that’s when Christmas really begins at Casa de Cummings. The mother-in-law walks around the house doing the Linus dance for a month.

    My least favorite Christmas song is that O Holy Night one by Josh Groban. Nails on a chalkboard to me.

    My absolute favorite Christmas song is Feed the World by Band Aid.

    Merry Christmas, Suzanne and Fam!

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  9. Uh, not to be Grinch-y or anything (the horror) but “Baby It’s Cold” in the ORIGINAL is cute. Now more modern versions might make it more slimy and omg he’s totally trying to give me a ‘gift’ early without my consent. The lyrics aren’t that different, but I’ll allow that our modern mind sets are a lot more raunchy. Dean Martin or whoever who sang “Baby..” in 1950 whatever didn’t say ‘you’re hurting my pride”, only a modern dude would do that. Gracious! Steve and Edie who sang a version of it too were married. She was being a bit of a cow and very unseasonable besides…who gives their snuggle bunny a cold shoulder for Christmas? Aw.

    This is all my own opinion of course, and meant to be a tad humorous. I enjoyed your list and had to laugh out loud at all of them. Michael Buble would get a kick in the nuts if he had tried that crap with me ‘in the day’. There’s always options I suppose! 😇

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  11. Yes–“Baby, it’s Cold Outside” is pretty creepy–and I’ve had my Christmas music on since the day after Thanksgiving–I love all of the stations: Brian Setzer Orchestra holidays, swing holidays, Sting holidays–they even play the Waitresses on the Brian Setzer station–so much fun!

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  12. Pingback: Christmas Carols – MobsterTiger
  13. Pingback: Ghosts Of Christmas Past. - Freethinkers Anonymous

  16. Hey! Saw the Charlie Brown Christmas cartoon a couple of nights ago. The Snoopy dance was terrific!
    The buffet decorations are pretty sparkly. Tree toppers? Hmmm… unusual but very pretty.
    Thanks for the endless laughs!
    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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