Spilling The Beans

The other morning, I came out of my bathroom. Slight tangent: to clarify, I was styling my hair, because I haven’t had it cut since last March. My hair is very fine and thin and the downside of growing it out that it also takes longer to make it look nice. I would get it chopped off right now, except that Kate is growing hers out to, and I’m trying to be supportive. And to support ME, Ken and Kate got me a very expensive hair straightener for Christmas which I could never use on short hair, so I’m stuck until the damn thing is paid off. Anyhow, I came out of the bathroom and sniffed the air:

Me: Ken! There’s something burning!
Ken: I don’t smell anything.
Me: Were you cooking something? Seriously, it smells like something was on fire out here!
Ken: I don’t know what you mean. (*sniffs air*) Nope, smells fine to me.
Me: You seriously can’t smell that? It’s like when the fireplace motor almost went up in flames!
Ken: It must be your imagination.
Me: It’s worse over here by your office—wait a minute. Do you have a cup of COFFEE in there?!
Ken (abashed): Maybe…

Now, this may shock some of you, but I hate coffee. I mean, I really despise it. The taste and ESPECIALLY the smell. In fact, one of the reasons I married Ken in the first place is because he DIDN’T drink coffee. I’ll admit, I went through a strange phase in university where I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes, but all my friends were doing it, so chalk it up to peer pressure. Once I graduated, that fell by the wayside, and I haven’t had a cigarette OR a cup of coffee in over 35 years. And I really thought Ken was on the same page as me, but when we went into lockdown last March, suddenly he became a coffee drinker. I put up with it for the first few mornings, but one day, the stress of lockdown combined with the outrageous smell of burning garbage caused me to have a complete meltdown and scream, “NO! No more coffee if you want to stay married!”

I’ll be the first to admit that I may or may not have overreacted, but Ken, being the good soul that he is, switched from the deadly bean to green tea. At least for the time being, apparently, and now I have to wonder how long he’s been sneaking around behind my back, having cups of coffee when I was out getting groceries or driving to our antique booth in Delhi.

But it’s not like I eschew hot drinks or caffeine altogether—in fact, I drink copious amounts of green tea myself, and Ken and I have a ritual on the weekends where I get up and make us both cups of hot chocolate. I just have never understood how some people are so obsessed with coffee, although I know that caffeine is addictive. But there’s caffeine in LOTS of other things, so why are the lockdown lineups outside of Tim Horton’s or Starbucks twice as long as the liquor store? It simply confirms my theory that coffee also contains opium. There’s no other explanation for anyone wanting to drink something that smells like Satan’s breath and tastes like Satan’s *sshole.

And I know I’ll take a lot of flak for my anti-coffee sentiments, but aside from that, I’m a pretty nice person, and I will always make a cup of coffee for my dad, because he’s my dad.

Also, Happy New Year. I don’t do resolutions or retrospectives, especially not this year. The only thing I’m hoping for is that 2021 is better than 2020, not just for me but for everyone. Even the coffee drinkers.

82 thoughts on “Spilling The Beans”

  1. SUZANNE!! I…….can’t……believe…..you…..hate……coffee! Okay, that was only for dramatic effect, lol. One of my new co-workers is like you, she despises coffee and the smell. I LOVE coffee, but I’m far from obsessed with it, I have one cup every morning and that’s it. I got six Starbucks gift cards from peeps at work, so those will probably last me all year at about $20 each, but I buy hot chocolate as well. Because I think Starbucks is definitely overpriced, especially for coffee. It’s funny how some people fine different smells horrid, like coffee, lol. Atlas is getting really big, could it be that he’s drinking coffee behind your back? 🤣😅😂
    HAPPY NEW YEAR Suzanne, to you and yours, stay safe😷😷.

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  2. Coffee, like alcohol, is an acquired taste. Thus you deserve no flak for failing to acquire it. Ken’s sneaky coffee behavior seems like a comparatively innocuous version of how I used to “hide” my copious booze consumption. I put hide in quotes because only the deaf, dumb and blind could have failed to notice how loaded I was.

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    • I have to admit, if this is Ken’s only foray into sneaking around, I could forgive it–well, if it didn’t smell so damn bad. Maybe we need a better brand of coffee, although I highly doubt I will acquire that taste!

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  3. Ah, at last, a significant difference between you & my wife! She lurrrves proper coffee and has a fancy bean-grinding, coffee-brewing, milk-frothing machine. The kids even bought her a small version that she can take camping. (I don’t think it’s small enough considering how packed the car is when we go on holiday). But she mainly drinks decaf, so it’s not the caffeine she craves. I drink strong, sweet black tea 99 times out of 100 but I do quite like the smell of fresh coffee. The rank odour of stale coffee grounds, however, I find to be reminiscent of a used ash tray.
    To sum up, “there’s nowt so queer as folk”. Happy New Year! 🙂

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  6. At first I thought the burning smell might have been your hair from the straightener! Phew, glad it was only coffee…. yum. Ha ha. It’s my favorite vice, and I love it when the groceries (fresh beans) smell up the car and house. Lol. Wishing you a wonderful year!

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  7. I never drank coffee or tea until later in my life. Now I have a coffee drink I every morning or whenever I feel stressed, because it’s not the gut wrangle kind, it’s more like a hot coffee toffee drink. My stomach usually only puts up with one of these a day. Everyone I know is obsessed with all types of coffee. Why is there a small K cup near your beloved?😯

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  9. And would you forgo coffee flavored ice cream? Or would that be considered Devil’s semen? (bleck!)

    Some folks can’t deal with cilantro. Or tomatoes or smoked oysters or ripe brie cheese… Mmmm, I just downed my cup of Nespresso extra-dark espresso, so it’s not even eight yet, but I’m already hungry for lunch.

    Maybe you’re genetically predisposed against the alkaloids found within roasted coffee beans. Or, it could be that you’ve just not found the right cuppa-joe that suits you. There’s a youtuber, Weird Explorer, I follow who mostly does fruit. But he also tries every coffee substitute known to man. It’s amazing what folks will drink when denied their favorite brew.

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    • I love cilantro! But your comment got me thinking about other smells I hate–can’t think of anything aside from gorgonzola. Weirdly, I like mocha ice cream but I don’t know the difference between mocha and straight-up coffee!

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  12. Hmmm.. not sure how a ‘It’s either the coffee goes or our marriage does’ ultimatum would go in our house. Probably by me saying ‘So, I’ll get you at your sister’s if I need you then?’ for trying it. If she can watch shows on telly about antiques or baking when there’s a game on, I can drink coffee if I want, surely!
    I do drink tea most of the time though, proper loose leaf, without milk and a selection of blends, green and black (and recently tried a ‘white’ tea…that IS a bit different and very connoisseur!) from a speciality shop, not your average supermarket tea bags.

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  13. Maybe there’s caffeine in lots of other things, but I don’t want other things. So it’s coffee and coffee only for the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my loved ones.

    35 years? Jesus! Scary stuff.

    I remember when I had some stomach problems and doc told me NO coffee and spicy food and alcohol, my reaction was You’re kidding, right? But he didn’t look like he was kidding.

    Needless to say, I was desperate for days and weeks, and then as time went by I learned to live without them, realizing how addictive they are.
    Now that I’m feeling ok again, it’s pure pleasure. Ok, I’m hooked again, but the smell and taste are unfuckingparalleled. But you know that already.

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  14. I don’t drink coffee either, and haven’t for decades. My husband, Michael, once said that the only thing he could never give up was coffee and he used to drink several cups a day. However, when he got anxious about COVID last year he decided to give up coffee to see if that would help reduce the anxiety. At this writing, we both are drinking only tea and water. That’s it, although hot chocolate sounds pretty good to me right now. Always happy to imbibe your posts.

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  15. “Satan’s *sshole.” I’m going to suggest that as a new coffee name for Deadly Grounds (nice choice of symbol for censoring purposes, BTW)!

    I will admit… I love my coffee. Started loving it when I was a student teacher at Jacob Hespeler. For me, it’s not even the flavour of coffee I find the most appealing factor… it’s the comfort. And it’s become ritual. I also love the cool mugs I drink it out of. I know, I know… the warmy comfort and geeky mugs come with drinking other hot beverages, too, but I think drinking coffee is one of the few things I do that makes me feel kinda like an adult.

    My favourite part of spending time at my family’s cottage is sitting down on the porch first thing in the morning, drinking coffee and chatting (I’m talking about my parents and siblings here, because my wife is a hardcore, tea lovin’ Brit). Inevitably, I will ruin the facade by starting to talk about Doctor Who and comic books or something but, at least for a while, the world seems at peace.

    BTW, I agree with Ken’s alternate choice of green tea. Especially with Chinese food!

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  16. In my opinion only those who drink straight black coffee or espresso are real coffee drinkers. Personally I like the smell more than the flavor so I add sweetened vanilla almond milk to my morning cup(s) or occasionally I’ll throw a mini hershey’s bar in to give it some chocolate flavor. It is habit forming though and not the worst habit to have, so unless my hubby who is a “real coffee drinker” stops drinking it I’ll continue to share a pot of coffee with him in the morning.
    Happy New Year!

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  17. Suzanne. What in the goddamn hell?! *brain exploding* Though finding out you do not like coffee has left me rattled and wondering if you are, in fact, a robot, I still think you’re a nice person. And I like you…just as you are. #reallybaffledthough

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  20. I love that you don’t like coffee!! why is it that some feel that we must all like the same foods as each other? do you like chocolate? btw, now that you’re getting your new book out, how about a guest blog post on it for my site? if you’re so inclined, here’s general guidelines: https://wp.me/p6OZAy-1eQ
    happy 2021!

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  21. Yay for green tea! I can’t stand tea or coffee but when I first started working in an office it became abundantly clear if I didn’t drink something hot from a mug I was basically going to be labelled a monster so I discovered green tea ❤

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  23. Yep, I had to meet up with someone at Starbucks (I can handle coffee smell okay, but, man, the smell of Starbucks’ burnt/sour coffee smell…revolting) and I took my life into my own hands what with the drive-through craziness!

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  24. Is this where I confess that I just don’t like wine? I’ve tried. I’ve really tried because there are so many reasons I shouldn’t just like wine but love it, and yet the only fruit of the grape I’ve found appealing is port, and I think the difference between port and wine is, well, the difference between what coffee purists drink and what Starbucks serves.
    Granted it’s not an exact comparison. Port has an air of sophistication but most coffee purists–the sort who own a French press and roast their own beans–will tell you that Starbucks mostly dispenses caffeinated milkshakes. Yes, a frappuccino is made with coffee, but only in the same sense that egg rolls are made with eggs.
    I’m getting off the point here which is that it’s perfectly reasonable to not like coffee. I just hope you’ll forgive me for not liking wine because taste is a highly individual matter and it also means more wine for you.
    And in Ken’s defence I hope you’ll allow him to have an occasional cup of coffee as long as he’s discreet about it. If he buys a French press and starts roasting his own beans even I, a regular coffee drinker, will say he’s gone too far.

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    • Oh, I think wine is as much an acquired taste as coffee or port! And it’s taken me a looonnnggg time to acquire a taste for scotch but I do enjoy a wee dram once in a while. Ken can have as much coffee as he wants, as long as I’m not in the house and he keeps the windows open😉

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  25. LOL… 😀 I have to admit I’m a bit addicted. But I also like anchovies, limburger cheese and many other stinky things. Although anchovies are out in our marriage. My husband used to like them too, but one day I took a bite of anchovy without his knowledge and then immediately kissed him. Not usually one to tease, the joke and intensely bizarre taste caught him horrifically off guard. It wasn’t so funny…hehe…LOL. Well, kind of funny. But that was the end of anchovies for him…and for me unless I sneak while he’s getting groceries. 😉

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  26. Suzanne,
    I’m not a huge coffee drinker either, but I must have my cokes! On exceptionally cold days, I do like a coffee with a ton of sugar and cream (David just puts a scoop or two of vanilla ice cream in mine) and if it’s after noon, he might also add a little Kahlua, too! Whipped cream out of a can? Sure, why not! Note to self: add chocolate sprinkles to grocery list. A nice alternative to coffee is chai tea lattes from a little coffee shop that’s about 30 minutes away. Needless to say, I don’t get chai tea lattes very often. Now I want one! BTW, stay away from chai tea from Starbucks. It smells and tastes like stinky socks! Not that I’ve ever tasted stinky socks. Again, in my hot beverages, I want cream and sugar and whipped cream on top! Sprinkles if you got them. It must be hard being a closet coffee drinker! I feel for you both. Mona

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  27. Neither Sean nor I drink coffee so we’re well matched anomalies.
    I actually like the scent of freshly brewing coffee. I find it quite misleading though as the taste is so extremely bitter to me.

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  28. I’m not much of a coffee drinker, and it’s mostly because I can’t handle caffeine. If I have even half a cup Istarttalkingreallyfastandnoonecanunderstandme.

    As for New Year’s resolutions, I’m feeling very smug. My resolution was to eat a box of chocolates by January 5: mission accomplished – and two days early, I might add.

    Happy (Belated) New Year’s Wishes!

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  29. Ha! Ha! Satan’s breath and a**hole! 🙂 That’s hilarious! I never used to drink coffee either, though I didn’t hate it with the passion you do, but then we got that cursed Keurig and I was addicted. It all depends on the coffee for me, some really do taste like crap.

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