Forklift Fantasies, Atlas is Invincible

I really thought that a golden opportunity had knocked on my door the other day. I was sitting at my work computer reviewing some secret agency documents when my text alert sounded. I get very few text messages—in fact, the only person who texts me regularly is the comedian Jim Gaffigan. Somehow, I got on a list to receive texts from him, and while I’m sure he’s a very nice man, I wish I wasn’t on his list, because he texts me at least twice a day. I’ve written in the past that I have a very sensitive startle response, so every time the notification goes off, I just about jump out of my chair, only to discover that it’s yet ANOTHER clip of Jim doing stand-up or Jim forcing one of his many children to eat liverwurst. Random? You bet. I suppose I could text him back with “New phone, who dis?” but I don’t think he reads any of the replies, at least not any that I’ve already sent. Plus, I don’t want to hurt his feelings because what if I’m the only person who hasn’t dropped him by now, and then he’s like “Not you too, Mydangblog! I thought we really had something special! Oh, WHAT’S THE POINT?” and then he never does stand-up again and it’s all my fault? You know who’s a GOOD celebrity to have on text? Jeff Goldblum. He texted me once and I’ve never heard from him again, but he’s in my contact list so I can show people and be a little braggy without having to suffer through clips of him in The Fly or whatnot.

Anyway, my text notification went off, so I sighed and braced myself for Jim but it wasn’t him. It was potentially a dream come true. You may remember that I have waxed poetic on a number of occasions about driving a forklift. And why WOULDN’T I want to drive one? A forklift is like a golf cart with arms, and you should all know by now that the only reason I have EVER golfed is so I can drive the golf cart, and a forklift is just one step better. It’s like being a human transformer. If you’ve ever seen that Alien movie where Sigourney Weaver wears the forklift suit, you’ll know what I’m talking about. The only thing more badass than a forklift suit is in the final installment of The Matrix where Captain Mifune wears the human machine gun suit. They call it an Armoured Personnel Unit, but if it was me, I’d just be yelling “Get me my damned human machine gun suit—Player One’s got a dock to defend!!”

And what did this magical text message say? It said, “Urgent Requirements! Forklift Operators needed! Long hours and long term possible. Text TPI!” and there was a number to text back. Also, UNLIKE Jim, there was also the sentence “Text STOP to opt out”, but in this case, I would NEVER want to opt out. I was momentarily thrilled and was about to text back, “Yes! A resounding yes!” when I read it again. Long hours? Long term possible? That didn’t sound like much fun to me. I mean, 45 minutes would be good—that would give me a chance to tool around the neighbourhood, go to the park and rearrange some picnic tables, you know, the normal sh*t you do with a forklift (in this scenario, I’m obviously wearing a cape and a Spanish Inquisitor hat because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, particularly on a forklift). But anything longer than that might become more like a job than a pleasure, and I already have a job. So I texted back, “Ooh, I’ve always wanted to drive a forklift. But I don’t think I could do it for hours, more just like around the block or whatnot. Thanks though!” That was the end of it, and I was a little sad, thinking I would never hear from them again, but about ten minutes later, my text notification went off again. I didn’t look right away, assuming it was Jim talking about manatees AGAIN, but no—it was from the forklift people. The text read, “Thank you!” So now I don’t know if that means they’re considering me and one day this week a forklift might pull into my driveway, but I have my cap and hat ready to go.

In other news, my new puppy is fearless and also has a huge ego:

Atlas: Ma! I will defend this abode from all intruders!
Me: Dude, I think you mean “commode”. You’re barking at the toilet.

Atlas: Watch me harness the power of electricity!
Me: Stop chewing on that electrical cord!

Atlas: Whee, I can fly!
Me: Do NOT try to leap into my arms from the top of the stairs.

Atlas: I have a gourmet palate!
Me: Well, that rug IS an antique.

Atlas: I’m a savage predator!
Me: The garden hose certainly agrees with you.

Atlas: I’m a hat!
Me: You aren’t allowed to sleep on my head!

Atlas: I’m Aquaman, Ma!
Me: Get away from the pond—you’re scaring the fish.

Atlas: I’m a very good boy.
Me: Yes, you are. Especially when you’re asleep.

71 thoughts on “Forklift Fantasies, Atlas is Invincible”

  2. Oh sure, the forklift might look like a cool thing to cruise around in…. but then they expect you to do actual work with it. At all hours. In any temperature or weather conditions. I’ve never volunteered to become licensed to use the forklift at my store…. mainly because the list of people who CAN use it in the store is so short, and I know I’d get rooked into doing a lot of crappy jobs that would make getting random, unwanted mass texts from an obscure comedian seem like fun in comparison…

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  3. Just added ‘forklift’ to the list of vehicles I would like to drive once. My wife used to drive a train. It was on a pier for a summer job but it was a proper train and means that she can forever ‘one-up’ me in the cool stakes.

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  5. Both my dogs had a huge ego. I always wondered if that’s a coincidence.

    About the forklift…When I came to Germany, I did some integration course, at the end of which you had to decide between addition couple weeks of either the forklift or cashier course. True story. I chose the latter, still don’t know why.

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  6. Forklift Player One? Because your two weapons are fear and surprise…..and ruthless efficiency……l mean, I could go on and on, lol.
    I loved the forklift suit in Alien, seriously total badass. Just like you in your cape and inquisition hat, and mask, you have to wear a mast. Because the secret agency might not approve of moonlighting.
    Atlas is growing so fast, He’s so freaking cute!!

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  7. The Canadian Mob needs dock workers to forge shipping receipts. Me thinks you just fell into their trap. That “Thank You” will result in a semi-truck parked outside loaded with pallets of cheap ventilators they expect you to offload and store until later instructions. When they find out you don’t actually own a forklift, they may get indignant. But I’m sure the Canadian Mob’s tactics are far less drastic than, say the Russian Mob’s, ya?

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  10. Unless you’ve had a recent puppy there is no way to fully comprehend the beauty of a sleeping puppy. Sure, they look amazing in pictures when they are awake (PS – you look beautiful, Atlas!) but folks appreciating these photos do not see our wild flail response immediately before and after these shots. Nor do they see our sleepy eyes and gnawed-upon fingers holding the camera phone. We love the little savages, but they are called little savages for a reason.

    Although, I have to admit, electricity harnessing powers are pretty cool.

    As for the forklift, I love the dream. I’ve never had it, in fact when asked what I’d put on my bucket list it is nothing actually possible (fly unaided through the galaxy, magically expunge evil from the president, sleep 8 hours straight), but I can appreciate the desire, especially when you point out the Ellen Ripley (or Tony Stark) comparisons. Hell, if I had Stark’s suit I probably could fly unaided through space and, after, sleep 8 hours straight from exhaustion.

    I could even expunge evil from the White House with a well-placed repulsor ray. 😁

    Hey, I’ve missed you! Where you been? 😉

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    • Yes, my fingers are chewed, my arms are cut up by tiny scampering claws and I’m exhausted but it’s so worth it! I’d totally forgotten about Tony Stark—what a combination that would be! And I just realized you have a new post that didn’t show up in my reader—heading over there now!

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  11. Now I’m imagining Atlas driving a forklift. No, wait, that would be terrifying. Adorably terrifying. Or terrifyingly adorable. No, definitely the latter.
    I never thought of a forklift as a golf cart with arms but now it’s all I can think of. The next time I get to drive a golf car I’m going to say, “You know what this needs? Some arms so it can pick up and move those picnic tables over there.”
    Actually I’m just tickled that you’ve been texted once by Jeff Goldblum. If he ever texts you again I hope you’ll reply, “I know you hear this all the time but you were brilliant in The Favour, The Watch, And The Very Big Fish.” Because that’s exactly the sort of thing that will make him laugh. That or one of Jim Gaffigan’s texts about manatees.

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  12. I think you need a forklift, capes and masks for both you and Atlas. Cuz every forklift superhero needs a good sidekick! Don’t you need to install something at your house that requires a forklift you can rent for a few hours? Sounds like a perfect birthday present from your husband. If you rent one, get the video camera out and all your superhero stuff and go fork lift. Wait, I mean go for it. Huzzah! Mona

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  14. I’ve always thought of driving a tow truck in the night hours to help vulnerable people. I even found the perfect truck! I’d have my big German Shepard wolf mix by me and off we’d go. But I loved the Alien part with her in that suit. Even Predator Looked like fun. And driving heavy equipment always seemed like a great job, until you see why they get paid the big bucks, it’s dangerous! Atlas is a cutie, labs are the best!

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  15. Sylvia Griggs says:

    Driving a forklift is awesome. I did it for a job, I got paid to drive one. It was like an obstacle course, there were people to avoid, pallets to pick up and stack on shelves. It was the best job ever.
    Hold onto your dream.
    Plus Atlas is a Super Hero.

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  16. It definitely sounds like you may’ve put yourself on the waitlist — almost like you’re a substitute forklift operator in the instance one of the full-timers calls in sick. Perhaps you should ask if they supply the personal power-loader suit (PPL) or if you have to bring your own…?

    Atlas is too precious! Seems like he’s found a happy home…

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  17. No! It’s not in the Spam or Trash folders! It may’ve gone into the stupid WordPress ether! Did you get an “invalid security token” message or something?

    Either way — so sorry. Thanks for putting in the thought and time; I appreciate it. No need to try again — get me on the next one!

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      • You’re too kind. Not sure if this has anything to do with the problem you encountered (it certainly shouldn’t), but I updated my SSL certificate this morning, so it’s possible that caused a temporary glitch; I’ve since posted a few “test comments” on my own blog as a third-party user, though, and haven’t had an issue — WordPress accepted them straight away. Before you repost, maybe try first with a “Testing 1-2-3” message, and if it goes through, I’ll just delete it and all-clear you for the actual reply! Up to you.

        Sorry for the trouble. Before I post my comments (like this one), I copy and paste them into the body of a blank e-mail just in case I get a “security token error” message or whatever; if the comment gets “lost,” I’ve got a backup I can copy-and-paste for a second try. Once the comment posts, I delete the backup. It’s obviously not necessary if you just write “Nice blog post! I agree!”, but if it’s a response I’ve put more than five seconds of thought into, I like to cover me *ss!

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  18. I never drove a forklift but after we bought our farm in 2011 we bought a tractor and I learned to drive that. One of my favorite parts of farming is driving the tractor and there is so much you can do with them.
    Good boy Atlas!

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  19. Authoress51 says:

    Atlas is adorable and growing fast!
    As far as the Forklift, I applied for the job of Cherry Picker thinking I would actually be picking and sorting Cherries. But, alas, it was actually a position for driving a Forklift. Who knew? And what a deception. Maybe you could rent one sometime just to have fun. You never know.

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  20. Ha, literally two seconds before you made that same reference, I was like “Sigourney Weaver”! Ha. (But, no, I haven’t reached the point in the loopy coronavirus shutdown where I actually exclaimed that out loud. Yet, anyway. LOL)

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  22. barbaramullenix says:

    Have you seen those baby ones that storage companies offer to help you move your stuff into their storage units? That size wouldn’t scare me too much, and since they have rubber bumpers, I wouldn’t do too much damage to anything. (Can you say rubber baby buggy bumpers 3 times fast? No, I can’t – just thought the line fit in with the previous one).

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  26. I had a chance to drive forklifts around for part of a job I had back in the late 70s at a printing company. I used it to stack bales of compressed, recycled scrap paper. They gave me about 20 seconds of training. It was kind of fun, actually.

    Can you imagine the mischief young Atlas could get into if he had a forklift?

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  27. You’re hilarious. This post cracked me up from start to finish. Just to prove it, now I’m getting notifications of your posts in my email, so I won’t miss the opportunity to be entertained. Thanks for the afternoon chuckles. Too bad the forklift people didn’t want to hire you for a trip around the block. And Atlas is so cute. I’m glad you’re documenting how fun puppies are… when they’re sleeping.

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