Spoiler Alert

One of the bonuses of not being able to go anywhere for the last few months has been the ability to binge-watch TV shows without feeling guilty. Did I do a Tiger King marathon, becoming increasingly more disturbed and fascinated over the course of one delightful evening? You’re damn right, and I did the same thing with the Criminal UK/Spain/Germany series, Sex Education, Better Call Saul, Queer Eye, Picard, every Rupaul’s Drag Race episode available to humankind on a variety of platforms, and a myriad of other shows. And I did it all on WEEKNIGHTS as well as weekends. No remorse whatsoever. One thing I struggle with though, like many people, is that there are SO MANY shows out there to choose from that I quite often end up scrolling through lists relentlessly looking for something that catches my eye. Because more often than not, the titles make it very difficult to judge what a show is about. Tiger King was simple—it’s actually called “Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness”. All three of those things are very enticing as far as I’m concerned. Same goes for The Haunting Of Hill House. There’s a house on a hill and it’s haunted—watch to find out what happens next! Then there’s The Witcher which is about a dude who’s a witcher—fairly self-explanatory if not a little derivative. And if you’re like “Hey! It was very original, dammit!”, let me summarize the premise for you thusly: a nearly immortal lone wolf-type who is very attractive to the ladies and has a relationship with a magical woman travels across a fantastical land with a group of dwarves. He and the dwarves skirt around a mountain containing their old mine looking for a dragon who is killing villagers nearby. Sound vaguely familiar? Of course, there are differences too—there’s a bloody and violent race called the Nilfgaardians who are kind of mutated elves—oh wait, that’s just like Orcs…anyway, it WAS a great show, and sorry for the spoilers, but if you’ve read Lord of the Rings, you already have a pretty good sense of the plot.

Speaking of spoilers, Ken and I were watching TV a while ago, and a commercial came on for a 6-episode mini-series about a female doctor who kills people with a hypodermic needle. The show was called “Mary Kills People”.

Me: Way to give away the ending.
Ken: Well, the whole commercial showed her killing people. It’s not like the title was the REAL spoiler here.
Me: Couldn’t they leave just a little bit to the imagination and call it “Mary May or May Not Have Killed People”?
Ken: At least we don’t have to watch it now.
Me: It’s such a dumb title. Can you imagine if the first Star Wars movie was called, “Luke Blows Up the Death Star”? What would be the point of seeing it? Why would anyone read Pride and Prejudice if it was called “Elizabeth Marries Darcy”? I like the trailer for Cardinal better.

Cardinal is another series I want to watch, but I have no idea what it’s about , except that there are two detectives investigating a murder in a cold town somewhere. The trailer doesn’t show much, except the one detective says to the other, “I’m happy to be working this case with you,” and then a block of ice containing what looks like a body is pulled out of a frozen lake. See, THIS is how it’s done, because at the end, I was like “What?! I need to watch this show and find out what happens. And who the hell is Cardinal? Is it a guy? Is it a bird? I need to know.”

It’s a certain fact that people HATE spoilers. Have you ever just seen a fantastic movie and you want to share it with a friend, so you only tell them the beginning? And then they say, “So what happens at the end?” and you have to first confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will NEVER see it themselves, because you don’t want to be the one who spoils it for them? Have you ever accidentally given away the end of a book, and had people look at you like you bought the last remaining rolls of toilet paper in the store?

Of course, there are people who deliberately give away the endings of movies just to be a dick, and they’re hated almost as much as racists. And they probably get punched in the face more frequently, even though the racists deserve it more. Seriously, I think the only way Donald Trump’s supporters would ever turn against him is if he finished every press conference and Nuremberg-style rally with “And by the way, the head in the box was Brad Pitt’s wife. Such a great movie.” So the people who decided to call the series Mary Kills People are not very astute, in my books. Unless…maybe the series isn’t really about a female doctor who kills people. Maybe it’s just a ploy to get people who’ve exhausted all other options to watch it, and then those people will be like, “OMG, it was SO good! I can’t tell you what happens, but it’s not what you expect…Oh god, I wish I could tell you! Are you sure you’re never going to watch it?!” And maybe the body in the lake in Cardinal was put there by a female doctor named Mary. Don’t tell me. Don’t spoil it.

In other news, my puppy’s a ho.

Oh, he’s as sweet as pie most of the time, but he has two teddy bears. One is name Blue-beary, the other is named Thurston, and he is regularly having relations with both of them. Indiscriminately. It’s simultaneously hilarious and horrifying. We play a PG version of a certain game that we like to call Marry, Make Merry, or Murder. He decided he wanted to marry me (he demonstrated this by licking my face, rolling over on his back and waving his paws at me), make merry with Blue-beary, which he did with incredible gusto for such a tiny thing, and murder poor Thurston by attempting to rip his furry face off. And then he made merry with Thurston right after, and murdered Blue-beary. But he still wants to marry me, which I suppose will wear off when I tell him that not only am I his Ma, we’re not even the same species. Spoiler alert.

42 thoughts on “Spoiler Alert”

  1. I feel guilty for many things, many times. But never for watching movies and series. As a matter of fact, I wish I had more time.
    Now I LOVE German and Spanish movies, but not their series. I think Money Heist was the only Spanish series that I really enjoyed (did you watch it?) When it comes to the UK, I want it all! Their humor is timeless, like the Spanish one, don’t you think?

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  2. I hate spoilers and I hate people who give away spoilers. One of my favorite moviegoing experiences was when some friends showed up at my house and said, “Do you want to go see a movie?” and I said, “Sure,” because you never need to ask me that. I’m a movie ho. The sad thing right now is I can’t go to any theatre because sitting in a large dark room with strangers and eating overprice popcorn is, for me, part of the experience. Anyway I think I enjoyed that particular film, called The Princess Bride, even more because I didn’t know what to expect although I’ve seen it a few times since then and it’s still fun even when I know exactly what’s coming.
    I’ve never seen Death Of A Salesman though. I mean, what’s the point?
    Anyway I think you should make some puppy videos and call them “Will it be Marry, Make Merry, or Murder? Find out!”

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  3. barbaramullenix says:

    Pervert that I apparently am, I was sort of hoping for a picture of him making merry with one of them. Wait until it’s your turn. Or your guests when they are allowed out again.

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  4. I was a huge fan of the Columbo series (Especially the original 70’s run), and one of the very unique elements of Columbo was that in every episode (except one), you got to watch the murderer plan and execute the crime at the very beginning! Yet it was so rewarding to watch Peter Falk slowly but surely unravel the villain’s clever plot and lay the hammer down on him or her at the end of the show! I’m sure there must be some element of entertainment to de derived from Mary Kills People…. or maybe it’s just another stupid modern show. I honestly quit watching TV years ago…

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  5. I would still watch Star Wars if it was called Luke Blows Up The Death Star and I’d still watch Empire if it was called Darth Vader is Luke’s Dad, because I essentially did. Everyone my age already knew the endings of the original trilogy because we all had older siblings/cousins who had seen them already and had no problem ruining them for us. Spoilers in general are unforgivable though

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  6. clsooner16 says:

    I hate spoilers! I have a nephew who is a spoiler alert fiend. Every movie he sees, tv show or book he is searching the web to find what happens. Then he try to tell me! He ruined all of the new Star Wars and Avengers for me. I told him if he didn’t stop telling me the spoiler I was going to make him sing soprano.
    He gets this craze from his father who would jump out and from corners or come up behind him as a kid and scare him so he grew up as a jumpy kid. Maybe I just need to make dad sing soprano? Hate spoilers.

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  7. In a not-so-surprising twist, Tom likes spoilers. I have people all the time tell me “I don’t want to tell you what happens because it’ll ruin it!” and I say “Tell me; if it’s good it won’t ruin it.” I don’t mind knowing what’s going to happen. I mind bad dialogue, weak characters, and terrible pacing. Those things I can’t stand. But good dialogue, strong characters, and proper pacing can lead to the same damn conclusion I already know, every time.

    Just last week I watched “Sweet Home Alabama” again. They get back together at the end. 😉

    My new co-worker, and bestie friend, says “What’s in the box?!” in a low-breath, whiny way all the time during the day. It never gets old. 😁

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  8. Suzanne,
    I can’t find anyone in the house who will watch Tiger King with me, so I’m not going to watch it until I do. The only show I ever watch alone is Ancient Aliens.I can’t get enough. Anyway, I get the side-eye whenever I bring it up either show. David’s into re-watching episodes of Silent Witness, which is a long-running forensics show. All of this to say, we need new shows! That’s okay. It allows me to write and I don’t have to feel guilty for not watching what I’ve already watched the first time around with David. Also, never underestimate the entertainment factor of four cats and two dogs. I’m sure Atlas will outgrow…nah, he won’t. As long as his stuffed companions and/or human legs are consenting, why the hell not? Mona

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  9. Image: Atlas (still).

    Voiceover: “Atlas is a dog with certain proclivities.”

    Video: Atlas makes merry with Thurston and tears up Blueberry.

    Voiceover: “No one knows what he will do.”

    Video: You show up. Atlas is looking at you.

    Closeup of you: Your eyes are widening.

    Wide shot: Atlas is running toward you.

    Black page. Title in white: “Marry, Make Merry, or Murder”. The letters fill with red. Fade out.

    In other thoughts…just watched the 2019 Gavin and Stacey (or is it Stacey and Gavin?) Christmas show. So funny and entertaining, but ended on a cliffhanger. Like, WTH? Do I need to wait until NEXT CHRISTMAS? Who has that kind of time? Who has that kind of memory?

    We used to watch all the Games of Thrones all over again each time a new season began, just to refresh ourselves with the plots and characters.

    Been eyeing Cardinal. Wanted to watch Professor T. Tried, even, but it was in Dutch. I don’t speak Dutch (barely speak English; speak some passable cat). (I am fluent in beer, an admittedly easy language to learn.)

    Where was I going with all this? Spoiler Alert: I don’t know.

    Cheers

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  10. I agree but am glad I have no puppy to care for. I have enough problems caring for myself! I have not watched Tiger King but love the new Queer Eye season and liked the Witcher but it could have been better as most could. I like watching Cavill though, who doesn’t? My faves now are Grantchester on PBS, The Imposters on Netflix and I just finished ReGenensis on Prime, which started out well. Sweet Magnolias was a little Hallmarky for my taste. I started Valhalla Murders and just no. I start a lot and after an episode, yuck. There are good ones out there. I liked Knives Out but it too, was predictable. The best murder mysteries in my opinion are on PBS.

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  11. Suze says:

    I can’t believe Michael gave up on Mr. T…of course it is in Dutch..it didn’t matter at all. I ca’t speak anything but crappy American English but even I knew what the heck was going on…….it’s a GREAT show. and if yer all that nuts about having to know the actual dialog instead of making it up as it goes along, put on the silly subtitle thing. sheesh……….so, about Cardinal………did you know…………………….

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  12. I hate spoilers of any kind, it’s like keep shit to yourself. Ugh so annoying, on another note, your pup is just doing what comes naturally to him. He’ll outgrow it, then lay around in inconvenient places, like my cats humming Sure Shot by the Beastie Boys while I vacuum around his snarky ass….lo

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  15. With a giveaway title, I suppose it’s about the journey rather than the destination. They’ve laid their cards on the table so now you can just sit back and enjoy the game.

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  16. We have watched sooo many movies and shows lately. We were absolutely gripped by The Tiger King. We saw the movie the Killer Sofa, which I highly recommend. We really want to watch the Ouija Shark, but can’t justify the 9.99 price for some reason I don’t really understand. Just finished watching The Hunted. We have watched Ozark and a LOT of 90-Day Fiance and the first season of Love at First Sight. What We Do in the Shadows has been fun–and there have been a lot of Dr. Phil moments–and Miranda. Last night, I suggested we stick a sheet to the fence in the yard so that we can watch movies outside. Stay tuned.

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  17. My personal philosophy is to beware any show that draws its cultural buzz from its “spoiler” quotient, which includes Westworld and Game of Thrones and American Horror Story and The Walking Dead any of the Marvel and DC superhero sagas. Spoilers are an engagement tactic to keep us watching — in real time — promising (eventual) resolution but only doling it out like breadcrumbs (and seldom leaving us satisfied, anyway).

    Real drama doesn’t require spoilers — it doesn’t promise answers so much as it provokes questions. What’s the spoiler in Unorthodox, or Doc Martin, or The Orville, or The Sopranos, or The Great, or World on Fire? Those shows keep us enthralled with their emotional honesty, not their plot revelations (which is not to suggest they aren’t well plotted).

    If a show isn’t worth watching once it’s been “spoiled” by a premature post on social media… then it wasn’t worth watching in the first place. That’s how I narrow down which programs are worth my time and which aren’t; generally speaking, the buzzier the show, the bigger the waste of time it is.

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