Weird Ads

“Orange” You Glad The Rock Tumbler Is Done?

First, an update. The rock tumbler has finally stopped its machinations. It hasn’t been quite a week yet since I added the last grit, but we’ve lost power twice in the meantime, which kicks the tumbler off until we restart it, and honestly, I don’t have the patience to wait 5 more days. I took the rocks out and rinsed them in a colander and I think they look really beautiful, although at least half of them are a LOT smaller than they started out to be, and some of the smaller ones have disappeared completely, which I suppose is only natural, or unnatural I suppose, since it’s really an accelerated process, and finally, a lot of them, unexpectedly, are ORANGE. I got a lot of fantastic ideas from the comments in my last post, including using broken vintage wine goblets to make “sea glass”, so that’s next on the agenda if the weather continues charming. Well, it was charming today, but’s it’s been a shitstorm of a week weather-wise here. The west half of the country, which is usually soaking wet, is burning, and in my part of the world, it’s been raining non-stop. Ken and I were looking at videos of Atlas from August two years ago, and the front lawn was crispy and brown; this August, it’s as lush and green. But here are the “fruits” of my labours:

At any rate, I don’t have anything else specific to focus on this week, so here are a few vignettes:

1) I had to work yesterday at the antique market because they were short-staffed. As I went by a booth that sells mostly lamps, I saw a family of four standing in it, surrounded by the lamps. The father was smelling his fingers, and as I watched, he offered them to his wife, who also smelled them somewhat appraisingly and furrowed her brow. Then it was the oldest child’s turn—he pointed at one of the lamps questioningly, and then the dad shrugged. Did I ask what they were doing? No, I DID NOT. Did I go back later and smell the lamps myself? Also, NO, I DID NOT. There are some things you’re better off not knowing.

2) Last week, I was on Facebook Marketplace and I saw this ad:

And I have several things to say about this. First, Jacquie Butler is a strange name for a cat, but I kind of like it, like I can imagine being upstairs and wanting your cat to come and snuggle you and calling out, “Jacquie—get your sweet little Butt-ler up here!”. Second, I’m very impressed that Jacquie the cat has not only mastered the use of a computer keyboard but has her own private messaging service AND a private income. And finally, if you know anything at all about cats, this ad makes total sense. Every cat I’ve ever known has loved boxes and will sit in them whenever the opportunity arises. And not just boxes—I read once that if you created a square on your floor with painter’s tape and your cat saw it, your cat would immediately come over and sit inside the square. I didn’t believe it until we tried it, and our cat at the time, Raven, ran over without any hesitation and sat right in the middle of it. I’ll bet Jacquie would do the same thing, given her penchant for boxes and all.

3) And while I was browsing Marketplace, I saw this ad for a free computer:

My only thought was this: Are they still together, and he’s going to give away her Macbook without telling her? Also, why would you not at least try to get your money back? Macbooks are way too expensive for revenge giveaways. And was she cheating with another man, or did she cheat on a diet, like she ate the birthday cake after she promised to cut down on calories? I’m torn—I kind of want to know the whole back story, while at the same time, I don’t want to know the whole back story. Somehow though, I think his wife is better off without either him or the computer. Maybe she was the one who posted the laughing emoji response.

I also have to work today, so let’s hope there’s no more lamp-smelling shenanigans. Wish me luck.

All The Wascally Wabbits

If you’re around the same age as me, or even older or younger, you may be familiar with “Bunnykins” china. This is a pattern made by Royal Doulton featuring adorable anthropomorphized rabbits and it’s been a staple of baby showers, christening gifts, and Christmas presents for decades. I had a Bunnykins bowl, mug, and plate when I was a child, and my daughter also had one. Even today, they’re still popular and I sell a lot of them at the antique market. The other day, I was offered a really good deal on a box of Bunnykins china—plates, bowls, mugs, and egg cups—and I couldn’t say no. I brought the box home and started to unpack it, showing each piece to Ken, until he looked at one carefully and his brow furrowed:

Ken: What the hell is going on HERE?
Me: What are you talking about? It was a really good deal.
Ken: Not that. What are these rabbits DOING?!

It was in that moment that I realized two things. First, that I had never actually looked closely at the rabbits on the china, and second, that the rabbits on the china are INSANE. On one plate, the mother rabbit, who’s dressed like a character from Little House on the Prairie, is apparently trying to hang wallpaper (?) and she’s being swarmed by an assortment of lagamorphic “helpers” who are systematically destroying both the wallpaper and the room she’s trying to redecorate. One bunny has dumped a bucket of paste on another’s head, there’s ripping and tearing and randomly, and a mouse is running away with one of the rolls.

On a different piece, a bowl, the same mother rabbit is losing her sh*t because she’s taken her bunnies shopping and they’ve overturned a vegetable cart and are now rioting like an insurrectionist mob. They’re stomping on cabbages, throwing potatoes, and the same random mouse is part of the mayhem AGAIN. And on a mug, there was a scene of the mother and her horde at the butcher’s shop, only the butcher was a pig dressed in an apron and hat, and he was selling her what LOOKED LIKE PORK while her bunny babies destroyed his shop. Exactly what kind of life lessons is Royal Doulton trying to teach young children? Because it seems very subversive and violent and all the people who buy Bunnykins china because “it’s so cute” have obviously never looked closely at it either because I think the person who created these scenes is an anarchist and I’m surprised that none of this china has hidden messages on it like “Rabbits cannot make the revolution. Rabbits can only be the revolution.” Seriously—if you have any of this stuff in your house, take a good long look at it—and then go vandalize something.

Speaking of taking a good long look at something, the other day, I was on Facebook Marketplace and I saw an ad for a “Leather Reclining Couch” that made me look at it for a very long time, mostly because I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, like either the guy was completely unaware that his photos were being used for the ad, or it was the most clever marketing ploy since Royal Doulton created their bunnies with an attitude. 

I call this first picture “Paint Me Like One Of Your French Girls” and it’s a very good example of how you can use this couch in a very suggestive way. The second picture I’ve dubbed “The Thinker” because he’s obviously deep in thought, contemplating how to blow up a space station or whatnot.

And in the last picture, he’s obviously emulating the famous painting by Henry Wallis entitled The Death of Chatterton.

All I know is that the couch is “Pending” which means someone is planning on buying it, and I really hope for their sake that this guy comes with it.

What Kind Of Person Do You Think I Am?!

I ask this question only because I’ve been getting some very strange ads in my social media lately. I don’t mind the run-of-the-mill exhortations to buy hot tubs/swim spas, funny t-shirts, and retirement planning. I don’t even mean strange like Amazon recommending my own book to me, which happens all the time. No, I mean strange, like “I don’t have a f*cking clue what this thing is and I have no idea why you think I’d even want one!”

The other day, I saw this ad that was so bizarre I didn’t know what to make of it. It was “recommended for me”, and I did a double take:

The headline says “shop our selection of power a…” and the rest is cut off, I assume for decency purposes, and my immediate thought was that it was some kind of bondage gear. I examined it closely, trying to decide how, exactly, one would wear it and for what purpose. I was befuddled. I finally got up enough nerve to click on the description, worried that I’d be in for some pretty explicit content, only to discover that the item in question is, in fact, some kind of complicated tool belt, and I don’t mean that as a euphemism—I mean it’s actually for tools, like if you have a bad back and a lot of heavy hammers, you can use this device to relieve some of the stress on your spine because it distributes weight evenly. And then I was even more confused because why the hell would this be recommended for ME? In what world am I hammering drywall and looking for an ergonomic way to construct a small room? (Although if I WAS going to construct a small room, it would have a door that looked like a bookcase, and then when you pushed the bookcase, there would be this awesome room full of clocks, and it would be hidden so no one could bug me about having more clocks).

But as if this wasn’t bad enough, a couple of days ago, I got this ad in my feed from Canadian Tire, which apparently sells a LOT more than tires, and this was listed as a “Must-Have”…:

It’s called a Banzai Monster Munch Unde…and I’m assuming the rest of that word is “underwear”? because it looks like either the skeeziest pair of undies that one could imagine or it’s the strangest condom I’ve ever seen in my life. And I can understand a lot about this product, like it’s stretchy, it’s roomy, it’s designed for someone who’s fairly well-endowed…but I just don’t get the f*cking GOOGLY EYES!

In other news, we went to Kate’s graduation this week—she graduated with distinction from her Registered Veterinary Technician Program and we’re so incredibly proud of her.

In other, other news, I’ve been working hard on a Mydangblog novel so that I can work through the process of publishing something. If everything goes according to schedule, I’ll be launching DarkWinter Press in July and I’ll be looking for submissions. Keep me in mind!

Jan-uary Ads

On Friday, I was surfing through ads on Facebook Marketplace and I saw something that made my heart soar. No, it wasn’t a clock. It was, in fact, an ad for a cabinet, but it wasn’t the cabinet I was taken with. I’ve become so used to people who can barely put two sentences together online, let alone describe a product they’re selling with any accuracy at all, that this ad description almost made me weep:

Capacious?! And an example in another colour for inspiration? I have found my people!

I immediately followed this seller and took a look at some of her other ads. One in particular touched my heart: “The camera doesn’t do the colour justice; see the close-up picture of the fabric juxtaposed against white paper for a more accurate sense of the colours.” She used a SEMI-COLON. And JUXTAPOSED things. Why can’t everyone be so literate AND courteous? Prior to Friday, I had become inured to the lack of simple spelling, punctuation, and sloppy descriptions that are par for the course on online buy and sell sites, particularly with a highly rated seller named ‘Jan’. The majority of Jan’s ads are an enigma. Yesterday, she was advertising “Decorations Puts”, which I can only assume means ‘decorative pot’, but with Jan, you never know—it could be some kind of insult or a strangely worded command. And right before Hallowe’en, this was a group of things she was trying to offload:

Now, call me crazy, and a lot of people do, but I don’t think that particular Hallowe’en staff deserves even minimum wage—I mean, they all look half in the bag. I appreciate that she managed to spell both outdoor and chair correctly, and I love that she named the bank:

Buyer: Hi, I’m here for the piggy bank.
Jan (cradling it in her arms): His name is PETE.
Buyer: Um, ok.
Jan: SAY IT. SAY THE NAME.
Buyer: …Pete?
Jan: MR. BANK TO YOU.

But I have no idea what ‘2 landre’ basket is, except ‘landre’ is French for ‘moor’, so I can only assume these baskets are to be used in gothic novels by heartbroken heroines who wander the moors in torrential downpours, kind of like an umbrella but with many holes. Sadly, it seems that Jan is almost as misguided in her efforts as this coat she’s currently trying to hawk:

I can imagine that living with Jan is an ongoing adventure, trying to decipher whatever madness comes out of her mouth, because if she’s this bad at written English, how on earth does she speak?!

Jan’s husband: Hey Jan, where are you off to?
Jan: Gone to stone. Bach will eat moussaka.
Jan’s husband: Delicious. Or terrifying. Only time will tell.

But at least Jan isn’t as morbid as this person, who’s selling Vintage Death. And I was like, who the hell takes a picture with some alive family members and some who look VERY DECEASED? I was sure those two Scottish children were just sleepy from the photographer taking so damn long to get the shot. But then I did some research on Victorian death photography and it turns out they REALLY ARE DEAD. And everyone else in the photo just looks casual, like “Och, it’s a lovely wee day for a pic of the fam. Come on, Mam. Gi’ us a wee smile. Let Dead Robbie lean on you so he don’t fall over.” Victorians. I’m currently writing a Gothic thriller called Charybdis (based on a short story in my new upcoming collection) that partly takes place in the Victorian period so I can’t wait to find a way to fit this bizarre practice in.