On Friday, I was surfing through ads on Facebook Marketplace and I saw something that made my heart soar. No, it wasn’t a clock. It was, in fact, an ad for a cabinet, but it wasn’t the cabinet I was taken with. I’ve become so used to people who can barely put two sentences together online, let alone describe a product they’re selling with any accuracy at all, that this ad description almost made me weep:
Capacious?! And an example in another colour for inspiration? I have found my people!
I immediately followed this seller and took a look at some of her other ads. One in particular touched my heart: “The camera doesn’t do the colour justice; see the close-up picture of the fabric juxtaposed against white paper for a more accurate sense of the colours.” She used a SEMI-COLON. And JUXTAPOSED things. Why can’t everyone be so literate AND courteous? Prior to Friday, I had become inured to the lack of simple spelling, punctuation, and sloppy descriptions that are par for the course on online buy and sell sites, particularly with a highly rated seller named ‘Jan’. The majority of Jan’s ads are an enigma. Yesterday, she was advertising “Decorations Puts”, which I can only assume means ‘decorative pot’, but with Jan, you never know—it could be some kind of insult or a strangely worded command. And right before Hallowe’en, this was a group of things she was trying to offload:
Now, call me crazy, and a lot of people do, but I don’t think that particular Hallowe’en staff deserves even minimum wage—I mean, they all look half in the bag. I appreciate that she managed to spell both outdoor and chair correctly, and I love that she named the bank:
Buyer: Hi, I’m here for the piggy bank.
Jan (cradling it in her arms): His name is PETE.
Buyer: Um, ok.
Jan: SAY IT. SAY THE NAME.
Buyer: …Pete?
Jan: MR. BANK TO YOU.
But I have no idea what ‘2 landre’ basket is, except ‘landre’ is French for ‘moor’, so I can only assume these baskets are to be used in gothic novels by heartbroken heroines who wander the moors in torrential downpours, kind of like an umbrella but with many holes. Sadly, it seems that Jan is almost as misguided in her efforts as this coat she’s currently trying to hawk:
I can imagine that living with Jan is an ongoing adventure, trying to decipher whatever madness comes out of her mouth, because if she’s this bad at written English, how on earth does she speak?!
Jan’s husband: Hey Jan, where are you off to?
Jan: Gone to stone. Bach will eat moussaka.
Jan’s husband: Delicious. Or terrifying. Only time will tell.
But at least Jan isn’t as morbid as this person, who’s selling Vintage Death. And I was like, who the hell takes a picture with some alive family members and some who look VERY DECEASED? I was sure those two Scottish children were just sleepy from the photographer taking so damn long to get the shot. But then I did some research on Victorian death photography and it turns out they REALLY ARE DEAD. And everyone else in the photo just looks casual, like “Och, it’s a lovely wee day for a pic of the fam. Come on, Mam. Gi’ us a wee smile. Let Dead Robbie lean on you so he don’t fall over.” Victorians. I’m currently writing a Gothic thriller called Charybdis (based on a short story in my new upcoming collection) that partly takes place in the Victorian period so I can’t wait to find a way to fit this bizarre practice in.
mydangblog 
I feel your English pain! I have a sister who insists she put her sweaters in a “draw” and it fills me with bewilderment because we attended the same schools. Perhaps in your research you will find a death photo of language.
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Like people who say ‘spisgetty’. Maybe they think they’re speaking Italian…
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Or my personal favorite… prolly. Like 3 syllables is just too much effort.
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The only thing more terrifying than the Scottish Victorian death photo is knowing that somewhere out there Miss Guided is walking around without a wool coat. In January. Then there’s the Pete Bank. There’s a disturbing story behind why the bank is named Pete. And that story is “Breaking The Pig” by Etgar Keret.
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Victorian death photos are terrifying with or without woolly coats–have you seen some of these? I knew that Victorians took pictures of dead people but I didn’t know they posed with them and took family shots as well–it’s so disturbing! And I’ll check out that story–you know I like disturbing things!
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You don’t know how they were posed after death? Well, I’ll spare you the hassle of looking it up for yourself, as my mom once showed me a book that described in detail how these pictures were taken. Apparently, during the Victorian Era, there was such a demand for these post-mortum pictures that special metal braces which could be placed inside clothing were commercially available to photographers at the time. The only conclusion that can be drawn here is that people are weird.
I’m personally enjoying your blog, as usual. Thanks for a good reminder of how weird people can be, and some still are, apparently. 🙂
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Yes, it’s the most bizarre thing. I mean, I’ve seen individual death photos before, but never a mixed group of dead and alive!
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Yeah, they did that a lot…intriguing! On Weird Christmas blog, I did learn about the symbolism of dead birds in Christmas postcards for Victorians…https://weirdchristmas.com/2015/12/03/dead-birds/
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Ooh, so weird!
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I also feel your pain my friend, my oldest pronounces hard “t’s” like in the word button, it’s sounds like BUDDON. As does CODDON (cotton) and it drives me crazy!! So I understand your excitement at finding someone so grammatically correct!
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That’s so ironic–Ken makes fun of the way I say buttons, because I emphasize the T sound!
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😝
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I heard that Pete Bank managed to save up his spare change and became a rich and powerful bacon magnate. Or is that a baking magnet?
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I think in this case he made his money in pork bellies!
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The Halloween staff look deflated – perhaps from being undervalued.
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I know, right? The minimum wage here is $15.50 and they were only getting $10!
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I’m very impressed by the semicolon–and it was used correctly! Wow!!!
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She’s too good for FB. She should be on Poshmark!
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OMG I love this so much.. Reminds me of an ad I saw for a guy looking for work – he specialized in roofing, siding and insulting.
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I would hire him in a heartbeat–that made me laugh out loud so hard!
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Funny! I shuddered a little bit when I read “Decorations put,” as if Yoda had somehow been transformed into a bossy Nazi interior designer. And Dead Robbie.
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Poor wee Dead Robbie. He dinnae know what hit him (narrator’s voice: It was the bagpipes).
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(Narrator’s voice imitating Scotty on Star Trek): Cap’n! Puer wee Dead Robbie cannae take much mor’a this!
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You can imagine a trainee advertising copywriter presenting those for approval to their boss.
“Capacious! WTF, none of our readers will know what that even means… just put ‘roomy’… JUXTAPOSE?!! Good grief… you’re fired…”
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I remember once being in a furniture story looking at bedframes and remarking to Ken and the salesperson that one very elaborate one in particular seemed ostentatious. The sales guy looked at me and said, “I don’t know what that means.” Lol!
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And that seller sounds amazing! It’s like the Susan Boyle of selling stuff!
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Would have taken some stiff wire to set those two kids upright like that, Gumby & Pokey like. Or maybe they used bonsai wire beneath their jackets. I hear folks back then became immune to the stink all around them. Everything must have smelled like rot or shit or body odor back then.
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Thomas in a comment said they used special metal braces. She was a paramedic and knows ALL about the weird medical stuff! I can’t even imagine the stench. You know how I feel about coffee–can you picture me in Victorian England, or literally any time before people started wearing deodorant? A nosegay would never have saved me!
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Well, this was in lightning. I worked as a typesetter/proofreader for years, so I know the pain. 😑
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Now, that was funny! I cracked up at “Just let Dead Robby lean against you!”. Glad I finished my coffee. And just imagine introducing your friends to Pete Bank. “Hey, I like your Piggy Bank.”. “Thanks, but it’s Pete Bank”. “You named your Bank?”. “No, I purchased it as Pete Bank.”
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“He doesn’t like to be called a piggy. Try and be more sensitive.” Lolololol!
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Forgive me for being biased, but my eye was immediately caught by the spelling of ‘colour’. I’m an Aussie so I immediately imagined that the seller is British, or Australian, or Kiwi. Made me feel right at home. 🙂
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Oh, we use British spelling here in Canada! Colour, neighbour, etc.
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High Five! Sorry, I didn’t realise you were Canadian. lol Almost family. 😀
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Definitely cousins!
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lol – high five, Cuz!
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I liked this!
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I had No Idea about the Victorian death photos. I’m always surprised by the Victorians and their curious ways, but just when you think there are no more tricks up their sleeves…
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They even had complicated racks and stands to pose people with! 😳
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