Pronouns

All The Bits And Pieces

Because it’s almost November, it’s time again for Christmas catalogues to start inundating my mailbox, and of course, my favourite is Bits And Pieces. I don’t know how I got on their mailing list, but every year like clockwork, their random catalogue full of bizarre ‘gifts’ arrives. I’ve done regular features over the years on the strange things that the people at Bits And Pieces believe none of us can live without, like beard baubles, night vision goggles, weener cleaner soap, and screaming flying monkeys, and every year those strange things get topped by even stranger sh*t. So in honour of the advent of the Christmas season as heralded by catalogues, here are the top 5 ‘intriguing gifts for the holidays’ you can buy someone this year:

1) Talk Back Sloth

This ‘hilariously fun gift’ apparently records a message then repeats it back in a cute high-pitched sloth voice. Have these people never MET a sloth? Considering how long it takes a sloth to even move a paw, how long will you have to wait for a sloth to repeat back a complex message? Even “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Keeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnn. Hooooooooooooowwwwwwww aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrreeeee yyyyyyyyyyooooooooouuuuuuu?” is going to take up more time than I’ll ever get back.

2) Spider Surprise Money Box

This particular gift is listed under ‘Fun And Games For Kids’ and is described as ‘the perfect place to hide your money or small valuables’. Do you hate your kids? Then surprise them with a terrifyingly large spider when they try to steal from you. Yikes!

3) Motion Activated Toilet Bowl Light

This gadget turns your toilet into a nightlight for $19.99. Or you could just turn on the bathroom light for free. At any rate, the description states that it turns on ‘when it detects movement’, which I’m assuming is a subtle reference to ‘bowel movement’. I DO love the colour coordination though—there are 8 LED colours that you can program, so like yellow for pee, green for ‘I ate asparagus for dinner’, and red for ‘Oh my god, did a rat crawl up your ass and die??!!’

4) Little Digger

WHY ARE HIS PANTS DOWN?

5) Antler Toss Game

This is very reminiscent of Basket Head, another Bits And Pieces game for the office. What kind of workplace do you have where it’s considered appropriate to throw things at your colleagues? Yet the folks at Bits And Pieces encourage harassment and bullying complaints every year with these games designed to ‘shoot hoops at your co-worker’s head’ or force you to engage in reindeer sex games that involve bondage. And the guy that models both of these items? I just feel bad for him, like they trot him out once a year to put some sh*t on his head and act like he’s having fun, but he never really looks like he’s enjoying himself. In fact, the only time he’s ever looked remotely happy is when he’s wearing the umbrella hat because at least then he’s not getting spat on.

Once again, there’s literally nothing here that I would order, except for the T-shirt that says “Admit it…life would be so boring without me.” Am I right?

In other news, my friend da-AL from Happiness Between Tails has turned my guest post about the importance of getting pronouns right into a podcast and you can access it here: https://happinessbetweentails.com/2022/10/27/pronouns-suzanne-craig-whytock-podcast-henna-artist-alka-joshi/

The Importance of Pronouns; Cannons and Cocaine

I had the tremendous pleasure of being featured on the fab writer da-AL’s website/podcast Happiness Between Tails last week. My guest post was a short history of pronouns, and why people should stop worrying about what pronouns other people choose to use. You can read it, or listen to it, here: https://happinessbetweentails.com/2022/10/27/pronouns-suzanne-craig-whytock-podcast-henna-artist-alka-joshi/

There’s also a lovely intro by my friend da-AL and a very large picture of my face, and if you recall last week’s post, you can decide for yourself if I look like I qualify for the seniors’ discount.

In other news, I had what was probably the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had with anyone in my life last week. We get a lot of interesting characters coming into the antique warehouse where I work, but this guy took the cake, ate it, and then ran away with the plate. I was walking down one of the aisles, when a rather scruffy-looking man gestured at me. He was holding a tiny brass cannon about 6 inches long mounted on a wooden base.

Man: Isn’t this cool?
Me: Yes, it’s really cute.
Man: Do you think it works?
Me: You mean like, shoot cannon balls?
Man: Yeah. It looks like it could work.
Me: I think it’s a replica.
Man: But the metal’s really thick. Do you think I could drill a hole in it and get it to shoot cannonballs?
Me: Like put a fuse in the end, fill it with gunpowder, packing, and bb pellets or something?
Man (eyes light up): Ooh, good idea!
Me: No, I would worry that the brass might get damaged.
Man: Oh yeah, you’re probably right.

And I’m sure you’re thinking that THIS was the weird conversation, yet it’s not. Later, the same man asked me if I could open up a showcase so that he could look at a pair of high-powered binoculars:

Me: Here you are. They’re a very good price.
Man (holds binoculars up to his eyes): I was under police surveillance once… (pauses, readjusts binoculars, peers through them) …because I sell a lot of cocaine… (pauses, readjusts binoculars, peers through them) …and the police could see me from over a kilometre away. It was crazy.
Me: I hear the same thing is true of sniper scopes.
Man (hands me back binoculars): Yeah. It’s a good job they weren’t trying to shoot me.
Me: So that’s a no on the binoculars?
Man: Yeah, you can put them back. I’ll just take the cannon.

I have never in my life tried so hard not to laugh, but he was dead serious. And he sells a lot of cocaine.

Not cocaine. In case you were wondering.