Lost In Translation

You may remember that Ken and I recently turned part of our house into a space for a Writer’s Retreat and it turned out beautifully. But the one thing I really wanted, the secret library door, had proven to be logistically not possible. The weight of the books alone would make the door possibly pull off its hinges, and other options, like buying books and cutting them down so only the spines were attached was financially not feasible. But then I was on Amazon and saw this amazing wallpaper/sticker type deal that looked like books on a shelf and was long enough that it could be simply stuck to the door, giving the illusion of a bookshelf that would hide the entrance to the library/writing room. I ordered it and it arrived last week. It was in a long tube, so I unrolled it. You may be shocked to learn that it wasn’t quite what I expected.

Me: Those books are REALLY big, like bigger than what a book should be.
Ken: They didn’t look that big in the Amazon picture.
Me: I don’t know if this is going to fool anyone.
Ken: I can always put molding on it to make it seem like there are real shelves…

Some of the books had plain spines, but some of them had titles. And then I started looking closely at the book titles…

Me: What kind of book title is this? ‘Tales Of Homeopathic Gherkin’?!
Ken: This one says, ‘Conquest and Mushroom’. I don’t think these are real books.
Me: I’m inclined to agree.

The titles of the books were all, with one exception, absolutely bizarre, like someone had taken perfectly normal book titles and then translated them into another language, and then translated them back, like the way the movie Twister was translated into Run! Run! Cloudzilla! in Chinese . The one exception was King of Darkness, which could very well be someone’s take on Lord of the Flies or Dracula or something like that. But I thought, just in case anyone asked, that I should have a synopsis of each of these books so that we wouldn’t take any flack for our cheap and obviously reverse-translated weird-ass secret library wall. So here are the books that grace the entrance to the writing retreat, and here’s what they’re about:

1) Tales of Homeopathic Gherkin

This charming collection of stories focuses on a young man in a bit of a pickle after eschewing traditional medicine in favour of herbal remedies. That is, until he comes across Sally Zucchini, an Italian naturopath who shows him the joys of a good brine bath. It’s a truly ‘dill’-ightful read.

2) Brave Slipper

Brave Slipper is the story of ‘the other slipper’—the one Prince Charming DIDN’T try to jam on Cinderella’s foot. Alone and bereft of her partner, the crystalline orphan embarks on a rescue mission to save her sibling from being ground up, melted, and turned into a bong.

3) Conquest and Mushroom

Speaking of bongs, this fun romp centres on a troop of conquistadors who experience a group hallucination after imbibing some homeopathic fungi. Believing that they are now famous disco dancers, they take the world by storm with their ‘hustle’.

4) Spell Ingredients

I-N-G-R-E-D-I-E-N-T-S

5) Dawn Fly Stuff

In the vein of Apocalypse Now, this intense war retrospective was made famous by the line, “There’s nothing like the smell of RAID in the morning.”

6) Sapphire of Magical Sniper

Raised in a small village on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean, Steve The Sorcerer finds fame when he discovers the Holy Sapphire of Sparta. Using its magical powers to destroy his enemies, mostly other two-bit magicians and by destroy, we mean reveal how they do their card tricks, Steve becomes known as the Magical Sniper (and also, ‘that dick, Steve’). Until the Sapphire is stolen by his arch-nemesis, Vlad the Impersonator, a pseudo-magician slash ventriloquist who hides the precious gemstone in his dummy, also named Steve. When Steve goes missing (the dummy, not the dick), the whole world of magic is in an uproar. Will Steve be found in time to help Vlad get on Canada’s Got Talent? Stay tuned!

7) 2037

The year is 2037. Suzanne finally has her secret library room…

Charybdis Is Here!

For this week’s post, I’m forgoing the humour because I’m just too excited. No, I didn’t buy a new clock or Paris painting (okay, that’s a lie, but it’s a REALLY nice painting and the clock was just a very small one, more of a watch, really)–the excitement is over the fact that my new novel Charybdis has been released! Huge thanks to the amazing JC Studio Press and publisher Jane Cornwell, who believed in this book from the beginning. I knew that when I handed the manuscript over to her, the end result would be beautiful and wonderful and it is! And a huge thank you also to the advance readers who gave me such fantastic blurbs–they couldn’t all fit on the cover so there are also pages inside the book devoted to those people who took the time to read and review. Finally, I’m immensely grateful to my family for their unwavering support and especially to my aunt, Margaret Randall, whose poetry was so integral to the story–I love you very much! Charybdis is available for Kindle, in paperback, and even hardcover and you can purchase it here!

If you do buy a copy and you enjoy it, please leave a review–you know I’ll appreciate it. Also, if any of my blogger friends would like to review it, let me know!

So Many Questions

Lately, I’ve been besieged by the most bizarre ads on literally every social media platform, ads for things I don’t want, don’t need, and would NEVER buy. Yet the ads just keep getting weirder, as if some algorithm is testing my resolve:

Algorithm Engineer 1: Here’s a one-person bathtub. She HAS to buy that.
Algorithm Engineer 2: One-person bathtub. Bwah hah hah!
Algorithm Engineer 1: Wait—nope, she passed.
Algorithm Engineer 2: Show her one with an antique mantel clock mounted on the ledge! Quick!

But I’ve been very good at ignoring even the most enticing clock slash bathtub and I suppose I’ve infuriated the algorithm gods. Case in point:

And I have SO many questions that I hardly know where to start.

1) What the hell is it?

Well, it looks like an inflatable merman. A merman wearing a stethoscope and carrying a puppy, so a…veterinarian merman? Who treats land animals? Below, where it’s cut off, it says December Diamond Dr. P, which I assume is either a very cool rap name, or Dr. P is short for Dr. Perplexed. Which is what I am, and also the good doctor, because the way he’s holding the back of his head makes him look VERY confused about who he is and what he’s doing out of the water. (Also, how does he get to the vet clinic? Does he drag himself down the street or do people bring animals to his…pool?)

2) What IS he doing out of the water?

I don’t know but he looks thirsty and sad. Also, I can’t see the puppy’s back end, so maybe the puppy is a merdog? They have matching collars/belts so I can only assume that it’s HIS puppy. Is the puppy sick? Or is this just some clever way to pick up a date, like “Hi, my dog and I were wondering if you were free later to swim around and listen to each other’s heartbeats” or “Damn, baby, take a listen. You can’t hear anything? That’s cuz you just stole my heart” and then the dog woofs approvingly.

3) Why was it created?

No one knows. The more important questions are these—Is it life size? Is it inflatable? Does it float? Can I use it as a centrepiece in a really crazy fountain in my front yard? Because THAT would be a terrific addition to our neighbourhood.

4) Is the person who created it insane?

ABSOLUTELY. YES.

And the most important thing is that I wrote all of this before I investigated and discovered what December Diamond Dr. P really is because I wanted the element of surprise for ALL of us. Can you even begin to guess? It’s a CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT. He is 7 inches tall and you can buy him on Amazon for the low, low price of $63.22. Of course, if you’d rather pick a different merman, because there’s an ENTIRE COLLECTION, you can also get a firefighter merman, or this cowboy merman riding a horse. I have no clue where that stick goes, and frankly, I’m just fine not knowing.

My favourite part is that in the item description under theme, it says “Religious”. And the best thing of all? Now that I’ve spent so much damned time researching these things, I can’t wait to see what the Algorithm Engineers send me next…