Marathon Woman

A couple of weeks ago, I was at the dentist. I got a clean bill of health, as well as a few good show recommendations from my hygienist, the lovely Harmony (Unknown Number: The High School Catfish was as riveting and bizarre as she’d promised). “But,” the new dentist said to me, “you have some areas on two of your molars where the enamel is quite worn. You should make an appointment to get those patched.” At my look of panic, not having had ANY kind of dental procedure in years, he assured me, “You won’t need any freezing. I just have to rough up the surface a little and then apply a compound.” That sounded easy enough so I made the appointment.

On Thursday, I got to the dentist in plenty of time, and I sat in the waiting room listening to some random dude talking very loudly on his phone to someone about a woman who apparently wasn’t supposed to be in his apartment, but he KNEW she’d been there because he had set the thermostat to a sensible 72 degrees when he left and when he got back, the thermostat was now at 73 degrees, so it had to be her. Apparently, it was JUST LIKE HER to turn the heat up. The whole thing was befuddling–like why does she still have a key if her whimsical thermostat meddling is such a problem, and does she just go into his apartment, turn up the heat and then sit there for a while? But it was entertaining, and a good distraction from the fact that the dentist was running late.

When he finally came in, he greeted me as if we’d never met before, and greeted me thusly:

Dentist: How are you doing? Taking a break from work?
Me: (laughs): Oh no, I’m retired.
Dentist: You’re retired?! But you’re so young!
Me (foolishly thinking he was complimenting me): Oh, haha, I’m going to be 60 in a couple of weeks.
Dentist: I thought people in this country couldn’t retire until they turn 65. You’re so lucky! I’d love to be retired.
Assistant: Retired so young, yes, I’d like that too. Lucky you.

And I so badly wanted to say, “Lucky?! Do you think I won ‘retirement’ at poker, instead of working for over 30 years, paying almost half my salary into a pension plan, yet still having to work part-time to afford things like GOING TO THE DENTIST?!” But I didn’t say anything because it didn’t seem like a good idea to antagonize someone who would shortly have his fingers in my mouth.

We were all quiet for a minute while I guess they were fantasizing about being retired, then the dentist asked the assistant, “What are we doing today? Ah, OK.” And then he said to me, who was lying prone with a stupid bib and plastic sunglasses on, “We’re just going to start with a little freezing” and I realized he was holding a needle, and I immediately said, very loudly, “NO.”

“Oh, it’s just to help with the pain,” he said. “We don’t want it to hurt, right?” And I responded by squeezing my lips shut and forcefully shaking my head, like a very small child refusing to eat beets or whatnot.

“You don’t want any freezing? But I have to drill into your teeth. It might not hurt THAT much but I can’t be sure.”

I stared at him, and said, “You told me I wouldn’t need any freezing. I don’t want to do this.”

He sighed. “I can try doing the drilling without the freezing. Just put your hand in the air if it hurts and you want to stop.”

And so he started drilling into my teeth. And it DID hurt. And I knew exactly how Dustin Hoffman felt as I waved my hand wildly in the air.

“A little sensitive, is it?” the dentist said. “Just a tiny bit more and we’ll be all done.” So I dug my fingernails into my palms until the drilling stopped, and he patched my stupid teeth with his stupid compound and I tried not to hit him when he stupidly said, “At least you don’t have to go back to work after this.”

And then I went to pay, and it cost $482 for a procedure that took less than 10 minutes from beginning to end. So at that rate, I guess he’ll be able to win retirement soon too.

In other, more pleasant news, here’s the miniature room that I made for my parents, who love classical music. I think it turned out pretty nicely, and there was no drilling involved.

27 thoughts on “Marathon Woman”

  1. You should have went to Dr. Steve Martin… I guarantee you he would have drilled away giddily on you with no anesthetic!

    I’ve only had two dental procedures in my adult life, but one of them involved an oral surgeon cutting into my gums to extract the infected roots of a tooth I’d chipped off as a kid. Stuck a wad of gauze in my mouth and sent me home… driving myself… completely unaware it was still bleeding and would bleed for a very long time, thus the gauze. Fun times!

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  2. People don’t understand how retire,ent works. We work hard for our “retirement” and it’s not all ridge games and beauty parlors. And some of us never really get to enjoy retirement because we still have to work part time just to make ends meet. Wow, being told that you wouldn’t need freezing and en having to go through it after all, would piss me off too 😡

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  4. barbaramullenix's avatar barbaramullenix says:

    I can’t write about dentists without getting really upset, so I’ll let that part go with the exception of saying that at least you won’t have to see him for a while.

    The Music Room is adorable and very well done. Maybe you can find a flute for the other end of the settee.

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  5. It’s not a good sign when the assistant sounds like they’d like the dentist to retire too, although it might be a worse sign when the dentist doesn’t remember what he said previously. I feel very lucky to have a dentist who doesn’t just remember me but always asks about our dogs.
    It’s a good thing you have that small room to go to and listen to some soothing chamber music.

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  6. Dentists and the hygienists who do the real work are folks who do work I do not envy. Peoples’ teeth would rot were I to consider the occupation.
    What? No clocks? Examining the photos, it appears that with a little camera positioning and cropping you could make that music room appear as part of your actual home.

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  11. I hate dentists at the best of times. I literally wait until I’m in agony before I go. That creep just charged you hundreds of dollars for a procedure that wasn’t actually necessary. Can you go somewhere else????

    Oh and the music room is absolutely GORGEOUS!

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  12. It’s so annoying when a medical professional says a procedure will go one way, but it actually goes another way, and they look at you like you’re the one who got things mixed up. Happily, my dentist is not that way – he talks to me like I need very simple explanations (which I do, let’s face it), and there are no surprises.

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