Ode To The Smelly Chair

You all know how much I love a good bargain but sometimes, it can be a problem. In the past, I’ve been given the eyeroll by my daughter at the grocery store when I buy 30 rolls of toilet paper just to get the extra points. And I only ever buy something from Lancome if there’s a “gift with purchase”, which means that I have more eye make-up remover and sample size mascara than I could possibly use in one lifetime. But sometimes, my love of a bargain has its downside. Well, downside mostly for Ken:

Me: I need you to go into Ayr tonight around 7 o’clock.
Ken: What? Why?
Me: I bought a 7 foot column.
Ken: What do you mean a column?
Me: You know, like, a pillar. It was a really good price.
Ken: What do you want it for?
Me: I don’t know yet. But it’s awesome, and I told them you’d be by around 7. Here’s the address.

And the column WAS awesome, even Ken agreed. Right now it’s in the corner of my office, but one day, it will be used for something really cool, like a super-tall pedestal for a bust of Shakespeare, or to hold up a low ceiling or something. I do this to Ken all the time, and I’m glad he’s the kind of guy who sees into the future for this stuff. Last week, I made him go and buy a vacuum cleaner hose for the central vacuum cleaner upstairs. He gave me a hard time, which is par for the course, but he later agreed that for $30, it was worth the drive to Cambridge so that he didn’t have to drag the downstairs hose up the stairs anymore. See, I’m always thinking of ways to make his life easier.

I’ve gotten many amazing bargains over the years, but I’ve learned some lessons the hard way. Like, don’t buy furniture from chain smokers. Several years ago, we were looking for a certain kind of chair for in front of our fireplace. I was on Facebook, and I saw the perfect chair: dark brown leather, tufted back, recliner—perfect for Ken after a hard day, and very match-ey with the rest of the room’s motif. So I called the owners, and arranged to go and see it. When I got to their house, I was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of cigarette smoke. I looked at the chair, which was gorgeous, but told them I’d have to talk to my husband first and would let them know (because I didn’t want to buy it, but also didn’t want to be mean to this nice old couple who were, apparently, well on their way to lung cancer). Well, when Ken saw the picture of it, he fell in chair-love. “Their house reeks,” I said.
“It’s leather,” he replied. “We can just wipe it down.”
Well, OK then. So we drove back out, paid for it, and loaded it up. He kept saying things like, “See, it’s not so bad,” to which I would reply, “It’s on the trailer and I can still smell it.” But we got it in the house, and it looked amazing. “See,” said Ken, “it’s perfect. And it hardly smells at all.” So we went to bed that night, feeling pretty good about our great deal. Then in the morning, I came downstairs. My living room smelled like a BINGO HALL. I kid you not, it was like a bunch of emphysemic senior citizens had set up shop with their cards and dabbers in front of my fireplace. The chair spent the next three days out on the front porch.
After three days, we brought it back in. It became immediately clear that the problem had NOT been solved, so out came the leather cleaner and the Febreze. Day after day, I cleaned and sprayed that damn chair with a variety of floral and geographic scent-sations. One night, Ken was so simultaneously sad about the smell, but happy about the comfort level of the chair that he spread a blanket over the entire thing to mask the odour and fell blissfully asleep in it. At this point, I realized that no matter how much the chair smelled, Ken loved it like a child—a smelly, poorly behaved child—and I could never convince him to part with it. Over the years, the smell has faded to the point where it’s completely undetectable, unless it’s particularly warm and humid outside and we haven’t turned the air conditioning on yet. And we still call it the Smelly Chair. But it was a great deal, and if nothing else, I’m all about a bargain.

In other news, I’m getting this post ready early today, Saturday, because I’m doing a book fair until 8 pm as DarkWinter Press. It’s an outdoor book fair. The current temperature is 8 degrees Celsius (about 46 degrees Fahrenheit), it’s overcast, and it’s windy. Do you know why that is? Because we’ve gone past False Spring and are now in the Second Winter of Our Discontent. I really hope I sell some books before I freeze to death.

27 thoughts on “Ode To The Smelly Chair”

  1. Everyone who has ever gone to college has a couch or recliner story. This one is hilarious! You go from the peoples house being a breeding ground for lung cancer, to smelling it on a trailer on the ride home, to your home now smelling like a bingo hall. Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

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  2. I actually used to go to bingo every Thursday evening for much of the 00’s, and remember the way my hoodie (at least, during the cooler months) would smell the next morning after I’d been away from the smoker’s den, and I’d about gag. Being in a smoke filled room never bothered me, it was being assaulted by the smell afterwards that was horrible. Then my state passed the anti-smoking law in 2008… and on the rare instances I’m around even a little bit of cigarette smoke now, it’s awful. Of course, now it’s a different kind of smoke that permeates the air, and I’ll never get used to that sickeningly horrible smell….

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  3. Now I’m hoping the book fair will, metaphorically, be like the chair: the weather is the smell and over time it will fade while the books you sell will be, er, the metaphorical blanket maybe. It’s getting away from me now but I know your books are a good deal. We also have a desk at our new house that the previous owners left behind. My wife wanted to get rid of it because she says it’s ugly but I’ve said, hey, it’s a desk I can use for writing and, more importantly, it’s free.

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    • Hey, as long as it doesn’t smell, it’s a great desk! The book fair was not good—the wind was terrible and the tents kept threatening to blow away. Super cold and hardly any crowd😞

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  4. Oh, that Ken! Lol. But, that’s a great looking chair though, I can’t deny that. You have such great taste Suzanne! So, you bought a pillar huh? Now I’m wondering what you’ll do with it, is it too tall for a bust of Shakespeare? So wha your saying is, your house has built in vacuum into it? Like in the actual house? No carrying a vacuum cleaner up and down stairs or room to room? I’m intrigued because now I’m wondering where all the dust you pick up goes? 🤔.

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    • It’s a central vacuum system—there are hose outlets around the house and a huge canister in the basement where everything goes! We just move the hose around—there’s one for each floor. It’s really convenient—it came with the house!

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  5. barbaramullenix's avatar barbaramullenix says:

    I just realized that after over 50 years of marriage, I don’t own a single piece of new furniture, except our bed. Every other piece either came from my parents, thrift stores or neighbors. I feel like ‘Second Hand Rose’!

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  7. A bingo hall! Thank you for bringing back some horrific memories of having to volunteer at one because my mom said so. The smoke was so thick you couldn’t see 10 feet (not sure how many meters that is) in front of you. I know exactly what your smelly chair smells like!
    Thank you for the laugh today.

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  10. Personally, I never collect the points. I’m not into it, but admire those who are. Cross my heart. Then again, I find the whole Arab world fascinating for many reasons. One of them is their hospitality and love of bargain, which I absolutely enjoy. And, I’m pretty good at negotiating and seeking better deals when purchasing items or making agreements. Does that count?

    As for the weather….Hub is currently in Belgrade where temperatures are expected to climb over 35°C this week. I kid you not. So, the one thing I don’t miss about Serbia is the weather.

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  12. Mmm….that really is a gorgeous chair! If you ever buy another smelly something, try sprinkling bi-carb over it, just make sure it’s not wet as the bi-carb might suck the colour out of it.

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