As I Was Saying

The other day, I was out shopping, buying designer purses and vintage lamps, as one does.
When it came time to pay, I had a couple of coupons but wasn’t sure how to use both of them for the transaction. I asked the store worker at the self-checkout, and she said, “It’s easier if I do it for you; it’s like killing two birds with one shovel.” I immediately did a double-take, first because things seemed to have escalated quickly from talking about thrifting coupons to violently murdering birds, and second, because as far as I know, the original saying is “Kill two birds with one stone” and where the hell did the shovel come from?! I mean, the original saying is bad enough—I suppose it means accomplishing two things at once, but who was the sadist who thought the best metaphor for that was the slaughter of our avian friends with projectiles? And now we’ve upped the game to some bizarre game of stealth, because there’s no way you can bludgeon two birds with one shovel unless you have the reflexes of a ninja (and the soul of a serial killer). And it got me thinking about other weird sayings:

1) A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush

Is it really though? Have you ever actually tried to hold a bird in your hand? Those little f*ckers get pretty pecky. I’d much rather have two birds merrily singing in a bush than one of them trying to bite my damn finger off.

2) Eating crow

This saying is interchangeable with “eating humble pie” and let me tell you, I’d much rather eat pie than a crow. Is the crow IN a pie, like in that weird song about some king eating 24 blackbirds? And how is crow best served, anyway? Personally, if I was forced to eat a crow, I’d like it in a stir fry, smothered with spicy peanut sauce and served with a side of rice noodles. Or I could just not eat it at all, because according to the first idiom, I would have to kill it with a stone. Or a shovel. Neither of those options sounds appealing.

3) Throwing the baby out with the bathwater

Were old-timey people really this villainous, with their birdicide and baby neglect? I used to think that this expression meant one thing, but apparently I was wrong:

Me: So throwing the baby out with the bathwater refers to someone being stupid, right? Like “He’s so dumb, he threw the baby out with the bathwater.” And then he had to go get the baby and give it another bath because it was all muddy and whatnot?
Ken: No, it’s an old saying from when people only bathed once a week. First, the grandparents had a bath, then the parents, then all the kids. By the time the baby’s turn came, the water was so dirty that no one realized the baby was in the bathtub.
Me: So the person who was bathing the baby was like, “Yawn, think I’ll go have a drink” and just forgot about the baby? I suspect my initial assumption was right.
Ken: No, it means losing something you really like along with something you don’t.
Me: Well, I like babies. I’m changing this to “throwing the pearls out with the jewelry box”.
Ken: Random, but OK.

4) Like taking candy from a baby

This expression is SUPPOSED to mean that something was really easy, but it’s completely inaccurate. Have you ever actually tried to take candy from a baby? They will scream and pout and generally make your life miserable. I wasn’t even allowed to dip into Kate’s Hallowe’en haul without being accused of grand larceny. Seriously. Just TRY taking candy from babies. They will cut you.

Of course, the current popular expression around our house is “What’s for you won’t go by you” which is something my dad always says, and which I take to mean that if something is meant for you, then fate will find a way to make it happen. I’ve been saying this a lot lately as there are a few things on my wish list. If only wishes were horses, then birds would ride…no wait…I’d be as happy as a bird in sh*t…no wait…it would be the best thing since sliced birds…no wait…

30 thoughts on “As I Was Saying”

  2. I think the only idiom involving squirrel is about even blind squirrels finding a nut, so my furry friends get off easy! No chasing down squirrels with shovels…

    I enjoy reading the Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader books full of fun facts, and they usually have a few pages with random word/phrase origins, and you would be surprised how far some of our sayings actually go back. To the days when killing two birds with one stone meant you weren’t going to starve that day…

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  3. When I worked at my previous university, my boss there would constantly use idioms and miss quote them. Like the cashier did with you and it would drive me nuts, lol. Except one, he’d always use one when we’d have a hard time explaining to faculty members how our grants worked, and they still didn’t get it. He’d say, “No use in beating a dead horse.” To which my lovely coworker would respond in horror, “No! Why would anyone do that?!” I don’t even want to know where that came from 🙄.

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  6. Crows are wonderfully intelligent birds but that means they can also hold a grudge. And if you mess with one a whole flock can come after you. That alone should be a reason not to eat a crow. Or kill even one with a shovel. Anyway I just read this to my wife and she told me she has a friend who says “I wouldn’t do that for love of money.” The original idiom is “I wouldn’t do that for love nor money” but I like how the new version works too. It’s nice to know, especially now, that some people still have limits on what they’ll do for money.

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  7. Fun post. Got me thinking about the cruelty of Rockabye Baby lyrics! Also, two weird sayings I never understood that my mother said a lot when I was a kid. One was “No, that’s too much sugar for a dime,” and the other was “Just let the rough end drag.”

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    • Ooh, you’re right, those lyrics are also terrible–it’s like people used to HATE their babies! I’ve never heard of the other two, but they sound interesting!

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  8. Yeah, you had me laughing again. I agree with your observations about these idioms. I don’t think it’s easy taking candy from a baby, either, so I changed it to, “It’s like taking beer from a drunk,” because after their initial reaction, the drunks forget what was going on and move on.

    Our newest household idiom is “Hold onto my fur, I like it when the dogs are barking.” It’s from a song by the Kiffness.

    The Kiffness x Oh Long Johnson 2.0 – Hold Onto My Fur (Talking Cat Song)

    Cheers

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  9. -giggles- Thanks for this. I laughed my way through it all, except for the bit about the baby and the bath water. Now /that/ I did not know. Please thank Ken for that bit of history, as gross as it is. Sometimes it’s good to revisit the past so we can appreciate the value of…a nice clean shower!

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    • Oh I forgot about that one—my daughter would wake up when I tried to sneak out of her room after spending hours getting her to sleep because my big toe would crack. I had to hobble out as silently as I could on my heels!

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  11. “I haven’t had so much fun since the hogs ate my brother.” I was about ten when I heard my mother say that, and I spent the next few minutes rolling around on the floor, laughing. For a long time, I thought the saying was peculiar to our family, but googling told me it’s a Southern thing, thank goodness.

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  12. I hate that saying, and every time I say it, I hate myself for having said it. I somehow feel sorry for the birds….
    Here, we’d ‘kill two flies,’ so I kinda feel less guilty. Which is terrible, isn’t it? Why would a fly’s life be less valuable than a bird’s, huh?

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  14. kunstkitchen's avatar kunstkitchen says:

    Aha! Years ago my friend was tired of his wing chairs. He gave me one. It looked nice and wasn’t worn, but it filled my room with cigar smoke. I bought several sprays to kill odors. Tried all the remedies and none worked. Since I can’t tolerate smoke and an out gassing thereof, I gave it back after a week.

    Sad but true. He smoked cigars. Yet he told me he didn’t smoke in the house. Um huh.

    And about hitting birds with shovels…that’s weird. And cruel. And stupid. What a world.

    Here in Minnesota a frequently heard expression or saying was: “He bought the farm.”

    As in he, she, they died. That’s all folks.

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