Frankly My Dear, I Don’t Give A F*ck

As a writer, it’s always interesting when you read reviews of your work. And I say ‘read’, because most of the time, it’s someone who’s purchased your book and writes a review on Amazon or Goodreads or whatnot. Usually, people really like my books, but I’ve certainly had my share of interesting reviews, and by ‘interesting’, I mean things like “The stories in this short story collection are short”, or “the perspective in this book with two different narrators seems to be from two different perspectives”,  but most of the time, it’s a pretty solid ‘great read’. I try not to get too ruffled about reviews—after all, opinions are like ani—everybody has one. But the other day, I was absolutely flabbergasted. I was at the community centre in town helping our local service club get set up for their annual charity auction. There were a bunch of us organizing the tables (and sneaking a peek at the donations, as one does). Every so often, someone local would come in to sneak a peek as well, which was fine, and we would all chat. Then an older woman came into the hall, and she made a beeline right for me:

Old Woman: Oh hi! I bought your book.
Me: You did? Thanks!
Old Woman: And I have to say, I was very disappointed.
Me: Uh, sorry—which book?

At this point, I’m thinking maybe she was disappointed because she wished it was longer, or because she hoped it would end differently, but no:

Old Woman: You know, I’m no prude, but that book had so many F words in it—I was shocked.
Me: You mean the humour book?
Old Woman: And I promised myself that if I EVER saw you, I would tell you EXACTLY how disappointed I was. That many F words is just UNNECESSARY…

And she continued to ramble on. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even think of a response, aside from “Then don’t f*cking read it!” but I was with a lot of other people that I like and respect, and I didn’t want to cause a scene. So I just walked away and left her droning on. She finally left. But it was super upsetting. I mean, to have someone come RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE and criticize you NOT for the content or style of your work, but because you dropped a few F-bombs? And it wasn’t even that MANY—I went back and checked, and there were 39 instances of the word ‘f*ck’ or its many variations in a book of 50,530 words, or 249 pages. That means I used the word ‘f*ck’ every 1300 words or so, which is WAY LESS than I use the word f*ck in real life. And I just checked, and I’ve only used it 5 times so far in this post which stands right now at 492 words, so once every 100 words, give or take, and that’s not even a RECORD for me.

I guess I was just completely blindsided by such a random encounter. I mean, I would NEVER have the unmitigated gall to go up to someone I don’t know and PUBLICLY tell them that I, a grown-ass adult, was disappointed in their book because it contained swearing. I know that some people consider swearing a tad gauche, but honestly, there are SO many bigger things to worry about in the world right now.

At any rate, the book she was complaining about, What Any Normal Person Would Do, was longlisted/top ten for one of the most prestigious literary prizes in Canada, the Stephen Leacock Award for Humour. I even got stickers to put on the front cover, so I guess the judges didn’t have a problem with my sweary nature. And if you’d like to check it out for yourself, it’s available here. Buy a copy and post a review praising my creative use of the word “f*ck”.

Or if swearing isn’t your jam, you can check out my new short story collection (yes, the stories are short and there’s no foul language). It’s called Dark Nocturnes, and if you like Black Mirror, you’ll appreciate my twisted storytelling. It’s available here.

And have you been watching Black Mirror? That first episode—OMG.

46 thoughts on “Frankly My Dear, I Don’t Give A F*ck”

  2. I had to stop reading your book in bed at night because I was laughing so hard. I don’t even remember that many f*cks in it. But if I ever do get a chance to talk to you about your work in person I may tell you I’m disappointed your books aren’t longer.

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  4. Wow! From the “You Can’t F*cking Make This Up!” Files!

    I sure hope that lady doesn’t read my blog or anything else I do online, as cussin’ had become such a routine part of my life, that I drop F-bombs and Sh-bombs and other kinds of obscene bombs all the time without even thinking about it. 39 f*cks would be about what I’d probably put in a single page if I ever wrote a book…

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  5. I got blindsided by a woman at my job who started literally crying about language in some ‘inappropriate’ Facebook post and saying I had a duty to be a good example or something… quite a few years ago now… I still have no idea what post she was even referring to… to be honest, I have a feeling it had nothing to do with me, and she probably didn’t even know how Facebook really worked lmao. Needless to say, I just said “noted,” and then promptly blocked her.

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  10. I’m so sorry–that’s F’n awful. It reminds me of the time when I was teaching English comp. I put Sherman Alexie’s The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven on the course syllabus. I was so incredibly impressed by the book, but the students could only talk about how “awful” the swear words were and how we as a society were becoming immune to it, and I was so mad. They couldn’t see anything else–couldn’t see the poetic language beyond the “swear words.” Ugh. In any case. I love your work–and sometimes, all the best words begin with “F.” 🙂

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  11. I have a friend who speak swear words in almost every sentence, but she is a good person overall. I cannot judge a person just by how she speaks, but by her actions, too. Sometimes, there’s beauty by being direct. And, it’s rude to give review just by that foul language; instead, by the whole content of the book. I’m intrigued to read your book, Dang.

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  12. Oh my gawd, muh pearls are clutched so hard right now……NOT!! I have no idea why the people, random people mind you, think that they have a moral duty to go and tell someone that they curse too much. I’m like if that’s all you have to focus on then you have WAY too much time on your pathetic life’s hands. Yes, I went there because you know I’m a HUGE fan of your writing. You and I are, how shall I say this, on the same “CURSE-ory” level, lol. These so-called “moral police” should literally be careful what they say and whom they say it to. Someday they’re going to come across someone who isn’t as patient and kind as you are and they’ll tell them to fuck off and then, they might be stunned into permanently pearl clutching. And from what I hear, there’s no treatment for that….lol. Like my neighbor who hadn’t said one word to me since I moved in almost four year ago but she sure decide to let me have it one day because she says my cats are pooping in her rose bushes.

    I, like you listened patiently and let her rant, then told her I have no idea what I can do, they are after all, cats. Then a few weeks ago I came home after work feeling just horribly sick, and as I backed into my driveway she saw me and started walking to me yelling “I need to talk to you about them cats.” And I wasn’t having it. feeling sick and going through menopause I got out of my car while walking towards my front door and told her, “No, not today Mrs. James. I’m not in the mood to hear you bitch about something I have no control over. And just so you know, if anything bad happens to my cats, I’ll know EXACTLY who it was!” She stared at me, he wig crooked on her head and in complete disbelief that I had just brushed her off in such a way. But sometimes, people don’t want to deal with bullshit like that, these holier than thou, moral policing, pearl clutching bitches. FUCK that shit!

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  13. I feel your pain! I was once invited to a book group made up of science women — biologists, botanists, etc. The first comment from one of them was a complaint about all the sex I had in the book. I mean, it’s how life happens! You’d think that scientists would be comfortable with that topic.

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  14. Elevating internet trolling to a whole new level, this one! I bet you were taken aback! You’re right about there being so many things to be genuinely concerned and worried about in today’s reality, and dropping an “f” bomb here and there pales in comparison to the cruelty and discrimination and hate and, and, and. . . running rampant today. If this was the biggest travesty she’s facing, wow, what a fortunate person to be on the one hand; how unfortunate to be such a rude, aggressive person on the other hand. 39 is your baseline now–I’ll be counting f-words in your next one and hope to see you raise your game!!

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  15. I’ve missed reading your blog. What a stupid woman that was, next time (if there is a next time), just tell her she’s wrong. Tell her she’s misinterpreted the asterisk and it’s actually an A. Personally I love the word (the one with a U).

    I love your humour, have done since I first came across your blog years ago.

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  18. A prospective buyer at a mystery conference asked if my book was “clean.” I sat there open-mouthed, waiting for something to come out. Yes, it was clean, extremely so. But my co-author had tossed in one f-word. Not knowing the woman’s definition of clean, I ended up saying yes and hoping I was right. Maybe my hesitation put her off and she didn’t buy it. (My mother and I saw a movie that was ffffffff start to finish. I prepared myself for, “Now, it just wasn’t necessary to have all that …” When we left the theater, she said, “That was a GOOD movie.” Well, she’d always read anything and everything and let me read what I wanted, too.)

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  20. Many years ago I knew a young woman who loved thriller/mystery novels, and she would buy them and pass them on to her younger sister. HOWEVER, before giving them to her sibling, she would cross out all the questionable words and write alternative words in the margin. I am not joking. However, you have to admire the dedication and the number of hours that would take.

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