Go Westie, Young Man

In the evenings, Ken and I like to settle in and watch a little TV. One of the channels we frequently watch has some excellent shows, but the commercials? Every commercial break, it’s literally the same damn commercials, over and over again all night long. Most of them I can ignore, but there are a few that drive me nuts:

1) Martha Stewart for Pretty Litter

This is a new type of cat litter apparently. It looks like tiny drops of gelatin and according to Martha, it can change colour to show you if your cat is sick with a variety of illnesses. That’s not what bothers me. I just have SO MANY questions about this commercial. It begins with Martha appearing from behind a clothing rack that only contains different coloured parkas—why does she have so many PARKAS? Then, throughout the entire commercial, she’s packing a suitcase. WHERE IS SHE GOING? At one point while she’s extolling the virtues of Pretty Litter, one of the cats in the commercial—there are two of them—is eating out of a plant pot in the background. Is she not feeding them?! Then, at the end, after she’s told us all about her weird-ass cat litter, she’s WEARING a parka, her suitcase is with her, and she’s about to leave on some kind of trip. WHERE IS SHE GOING? Is anyone taking care of the cats while she’s away? Because, based on the amount of sh*t she just put in her wheelie bag, she’s planning on being gone a while. None of this makes sense, like who was the genius writer?

Owner of Pretty Litter: We need a “concept” for this commercial. Yes, it’s only cat litter, but we need the audience to really ENGAGE with it.

Head Writer: Hmmm. Ooh, what about this? Martha is taking a skiing vacation, maybe in Vale, as one does, and she’s getting ready to leave, secure in the knowledge that Pretty Litter will absorb all the urine and poop and odours and whatnot while she’s away for the month. We’ll showcase some down-filled ski jackets and Lacoste button-ups, then have a nice product placement at the end for Samsonite. It’s a relatable narrative that will really capture the consumer imagination!

Assistant Writer: I love it! But…can cats be left on their own for weeks? Who’s going to feed them?

Head Writer: I doubt anyone will be worried about that. Besides, there are lots of plants. Everyone knows that cats can eat plants, STEVE.

Assistant Writer: Can they? I’ve never had a cat.

Head Writer: No idea. I’ve never had a cat either. What about you?

Owner of Pretty Litter: No idea. I hate cats.

2) Scotties Tissue

The premise of this commercial is that a man was hypnotized so that a “sneeze trigger” ensures he will always get the name of Scotties brand tissues correct, so when someone sneezes, he automatically says, “Scotties!” What did he call them before? No one knows—the commercial begins ‘in media res’. And believe it or not, this ISN’T the stupid part. No, the stupid part is that the tagline is “Let’s get the name right.” They get the NAME right but what they don’t get right is that the dog in the commercial for Scotties is NOT in fact a Scottie dog—it’s a WEST HIGHLAND TERRIER. It’s a WESTIE. I’d be more impressed by the company if they actually knew what breed their mascot was. A “Scottie”—a Scottish Terrier—is BLACK, and yes, while there may be some that are ‘wheaten’, the dog in the commercial doesn’t even LOOK like a Scottie. And again, I can imagine the conversation around the writer’s table:

Scotties Owner: So the board of directors and I have decided we need a mascot.
Head Writer: Well, that’s obvious. We’ll just use a Scottie Dog.
Assistant Writer: Aren’t Scottish Terriers black?
Head Writer: But the tissues are white. We’ll just use a different Scottish dog–get me one of those white ones to match the tissues.
Assistant Writer: You mean a Westie? Won’t people notice that we’re using the wrong kind of dog as a mascot?
Head Writer: THEY’RE BOTH SCOTTISH, STEVE. NO ONE WILL CARE.

So the whole campaign and branding are based on a complete misunderstanding. In retrospect, I’m thinking that the context for the commercial is that the man kept calling the tissues “Westies” and then he was tortured and brainwashed into believing that a white dog is a Scottie. 2+2=5.

3) Dove Whole Body Deodorant

I’m baffled by this one. And I guess I shouldn’t call it ‘deodorant’ because according to Dove, the hip, cool thing to say is “Deo”. But this commercial is bizarre. It features women dancing and swirling in an Italian-esque villa as they apply “Deo” to all their body parts, and there’s a kind of rap that goes, “My neck, my back, my legs and pits, all that.” So are we supposed to coat our ENTIRE bodies with deodorant now? WHY?! I, for one, am frankly sick of companies trying to make money by telling woman they “aren’t fresh” (I’m looking at you, Summer’s Eve, you literal douchebag). What do they think we do all day? Mud wrestle? Slathering waxy paste all over your body can’t possibly be good for your skin—one line in the rap suggests you rub it “under your rack”. Seriously?  And how do you get it on your back anyway? I can barely reach the top of my shoulder blades. People in the past would have laughed their heads off at this:

Lady Casentmauvais: That brisk romp through the countryside has invigorated my glow, I’m afraid.
Lord Casentmauvais: I’ll get the butler to scatter rose petals around the room to disguise your pong. I’m also noticing the acrid stench of my own perspiration.
Lady Casentmauvais: Indeed. Tell the butler to crush lavender into the carpet as well.

And can you imagine the conversation in the writers’ room?:

Dove Owner: Our sales are slipping. We need more women to buy our products.
Head Writer: We can convince them that their knees are smelly.
Assistant Writer: Ooh, great idea! We could do the same thing with the men’s “Deo”.
Head Writer (scoffs): What man would ever believe THAT, STEVE?

In other news, remember how I was supposed to be a co-host for that radio station show for a few months? Well, I got an email on Thursday from the community group that organizes the show that the other host, who I had just done the show with last Sunday, up and quit. Completely. And now, I am the only, and permanent, host. Wish me luck.

33 thoughts on “Go Westie, Young Man”

  1. It’s reassuring to me that I’m not the only one who has these sort of thoughts about commercials. Sometimes I think I should have pursued a career in advertising because there is a lot of creativity in it, and even opportunity for self-expression and storytelling, but then I think about how I’d be selling people stuff they don’t need and I’d hate myself. Anyway congratulations on being the sole DJ. I know you’ll be brilliant at it. Maybe you can invent an alter-ego with a different voice so you’ll have someone to talk to.

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  2. Reminds me of my night owl days before I had a night job. Very few companies purchase advertising time on late nights, so it was all Hair Club For Men, Ginsu knives and the 70’s Preservation Society compilation album all night long…

    Oh, and without having actually seen the commercial you’re talking about… that rap:

    “My neck, my back, my legs and pits, all that.”

    I know exactly what hip hop song that’s playing off of, and I’ll just say that the other two body parts it references aren’t the legs and pits!!!!

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  3. I don’t even have a television subscription or even a streaming service. I’m glad as I don’t have to sit through these idiotic commercials. However, this is some of the funniest stuff you’ve posted on your blog in some time. If you had a tip jar, I’d totally donate to it. Thanks for a few moments of laughter. Much appreciated. 🙂

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  4. The only host? So, you can choose your own programming? “Canadians Trashing America” would be a good one.
    “Protest Through Fiction” or “Flash Fiction on Fire”. Are these show recorded?

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  6. The full-body deodorant thing feels like a real reach to create new insecurities. You can’t make it seem like it’s happening to everyone. It has to feel… specific. Personal. Like you’re the only one this happens to.

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  8. I’ve never gotten the gist of the “whole” body deodorant to be honest. If you smell all over your body you have bigger problems than just not using deo, lol. It’s funny how I never noticed the Pretty Litter/Martha Stewart thing but I got onto YouTube to watch it again and, it’s as strange as you describe. I mean, what the hell Martha? Which reminds me, have you seen her bio on Netflix, the one she condemned because they didn’t paint a pretty picture of her. Well honestly I watched it to see if it might change my view of her, but it didn’t. She’s a complete bitch, lol. As for the other news, maybe you did such a stellar job that the other host was all like, “I can’t compete with this marvelousness that is Suzanne Craig-Whytock” and left. Just saying.

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  9. sounds weird, but sometimes I enjoy watching commercials – but with sound off – they’re like anthropology explorations for me in terms of what’s important these days & how types of people are represented in short-hand ways. as much as some truly gross me in a sort of TMI way, I love that many have normalized things that used to be taboo and regarded as frightening. like amputees, burn victims, & all the bodily functions that I still can’t bring my own self to speak of in public lol

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  10. After years of watching only the Australian ABC [no commercials], I’ve recently started watching our SBS channel which does have commercials. It’s horrible. Not only do I hate having my viewing interrupted umpteen times during each show, I hate the stupidity of the commercials themselves.

    Way back when, we used to get the odd clever commercial that everybody loved because it was clever, or made us laugh. These days none of them do. Apparently it /is/ possible to dumb commercials down to the point where they make no sense at all. -grump-

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  11. Even the Super Bowl commercials which used to be why a lot of people watched the game have started to lag and just be dumb. I hate commercials and only stream where I don’t have to watch them.
    That’s amazing that you got the gig! I’m excited for you 😊

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    • And, yes, that all-over deodorant is ridiculous. Even more odd is that I although I love all animals, I am an avid cat person whose does not speak “dog” language, and even I know that’s not a Scottish Terrier.

      Lastly, says the cat worshipper who has six puzzle treat boxes, three easy chairs for cats that I don’t even sit in, multiple cat towers, and even more scatter toys, am like “Who on earth pays THAT MUCH for frickin’ cat litter?!?!?” Because, OMG, that Pretty Litter is EXPENSIVE! I’m like “It better have actual gold shavings in it if I’m going to pay that much for it!”.

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  13. What is the DEAL with the all-over body deo? When I first saw that commercial, I thought, No one is ever going to buy that. However, I’m probably wrong. Like you said, advertisers have made a lot o’ moola preying on the insecurities of women… But this one is a Bridge Too Far.

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