It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like…?

We’re officially into the festive season now, and maybe it’s just me, but everywhere I go, things seem to have taken a dark turn. First, there is the incredible abundance of giant inflatable figures that always seem to be either drunk or on the verge of dying. From the Santa on his back on the neighbour’s front lawn, to the Snowman who’s half in the bag, to the Vixen that looks like it’s trying to hump Rudolph, the town’s decorations have decidedly gone over to the dark side–or to OnlyFans. And it’s no better online. After perusing Facebook marketplace for some cool deals, I discovered that even there, people are having a bleak midwinter. Case in point:

Why would ANYONE hang something like this on a tree?! Talk about Silent Night, Hole-y Night. But then there are the wings, which are so pretty and delicate, like someone STAPLED DEAD BUTTERFLIES to these creatures…I guess there are some goth families who’d love to decorate like The Nightmare Before Christmas, but me? I prefer vintage blown glass to a bony ass.

And of course, why dress up as Santa Claus and bring joy to the children when you can put on a Skibidi Toilet costume?

I read the description and yes, it seems to be in English but I’m unfamiliar with many of the terms so I had to look them up. “Skibidi” can mean either “good, cool, bad, or evil” according to the interweb. I’m going to let you decide which one it is in this context but you can probably imagine what I’M leaning towards. “Rizz” is apparently “charisma”, and I’m not sure how charismatic you can actually be with a toilet on your head. And please, I’m begging you–don’t look up Dom Dom. I did, and both Atlas and I are scarred for life. Finally, I think the person selling this isn’t very confident that people will understand it’s a costume and not HIM because the ad uses the word “inflatable” or a variation thereof, FOUR times in one short ad. Yes, we get that it’s INFLATABLE. And either child-sized or one size fits most…

And finally, here’s the most terrifying thing of all. When you think of the choir eternal, does this ever cross your mind?

Whatever happened to winged cherubs, or lovely children in choral robes? No, this is what we’ve come to–a choir of robot babies who all look like they’re about to feast on your flesh instead of the fruit cake you’ve been diligently soaking with rum for days. Why the hell does ANYONE have this many baby CPR dolls and WHAT ARE THEY SINGING?! It’s most likely a cacophony of screams from one of the circles of hell instead of O Hole-y Night.

And speaking of the bowels of hell…

Last week, as if it wasn’t enough that I was interviewed on the CBC (Canada’s national network), I had the honour and privilege of doing an interview and reading on Reader’s Delight, a local radio show. And while the show is terrific, the radio station is in the bowels of a derelict factory building that is most assuredly haunted. Here are some pictures of the halls.

Just around the corner though, is a clothing store and I can’t even imagine who shops there. But if you want to hear me read from my new work-in-progress, Murder Most Novel (the one I got the grant to write), you can listen to it here!

19 thoughts on “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like…?”

  1. Why the hell does ANYONE have this many baby CPR dolls and WHAT ARE THEY SINGING?!

    I used to have such a supply at work for teaching CPR classes to firefighters and the general public. Making them sing in a choir might have brought more people to the fire station for class. The world may never know… 😉

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  2. There’s a house on the way to work each night that has roughly thirty or so (maybe more, I’m in too big of a hurry to count) inflatables in their yard using up about three houses worth of electricity. It makes me wish I still had the BB gun I had when I was a kid. Give me the old school blow molds any day of the week… and not ones with LED lights, but old fashioned incandescents for that nostalgic feel! Then again, maybe those CPR babies are translucent and would make wonderful blow mold yard ornaments!

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  3. I barely know what to say! Lol. People are really off their rockers. Learning baby resuscitation isn’t a bad idea, but that’s a lot of choking babies. Creepy. And the hallways in the basement. Eeek! Best part: Congrats on the show!

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  5. Christmas used to be a time for ghost stories and costume parties. Consider Dickens or the boys visiting a haunted house in Dylan Thomas’s “A Child’s Christmas In Wales”. Interest in Krampus has surged. I’m all for a return to the old ways when Christmas marked the solstice, the end of the long nights and the return of the light. Without darkness why light a candle?
    But the CPR dolls are taking it a bit too far.

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  6. Per those dolls: I’m reminded of a Maori rugby team, their angry, threatening stance and expression. Coach: “Alright, here’s the play…” PlayerOne: “Are those dolls?” Coach: “Shut up and pay attention.” P1: “At least they look mean…”
    “Only Murder Novels in the Abandoned Warehouse” — can’t wait.

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