I’m Not The Problem

Last Monday, it was my birthday. I’m at that age now where I don’t need to celebrate too intensely—in fact, some days I’d rather just forget about it, no problem. But my family is wonderful and makes sure that it’s always a memorable occasion, and this year was no different. However, based on my gifts, I’m starting to think that maybe everyone ELSE thinks that I have a problem.

It started on Saturday, when my parents came out to visit and brought me a gift. It was a lovely bottle of wine. On Sunday, because Ken and I were going to Toronto on my actual birthday to attend a poetry reading by one of my wonderful authors, Bill Garvey, as well as an upcoming poet Paul Edward Costa, we had my birthday party. I got home from work at my new weekend job at the best bookstore in the province, the Riverside Bookshelf, and Ken announced that he, Kate, and Max had prepared a Scavenger Hunt for me, Clue style. I started in the kitchen with the following clue:

The ‘smallest rooms’? Obviously one of the bathrooms, but I was immediately chastised:

Me: There’s nothing in this bathroom—let me check the other one…
Ken: Bathroom?! It says ‘smallest ROOMS’! Come on!
Me: Oh wait—my miniatures!

Sure enough, there was a present there on the shelf between my conservatory and dining room—a lovely bottle of wine. Then I got the second clue:

I ran up to our bedroom and sure enough—a lovely bottle of wine was nestled against my pillow. Carrying two bottles of wine in hand, I ran to the cat tree as per the next clue:

…and Ilana was snuggled against yet another lovely bottle of wine. The Scavenger Hunt continued for 3 more clues, each culminating in increasingly more lovely bottles of wine. Total so far: 7 bottles of wine. (We also played an actual game of Clue, and I finally won—it was Mrs. Peacock in the dining room with the wrench) and by the end, I was quite tipsy.

The next day, we headed to Toronto to my brother’s house with the intention of leaving our car there and taking the subway to the poetry reading. My brother, who has a Ph.D., wasn’t home, but he messaged that he’d left my birthday present on the counter in his kitchen. We arrived, and I went straight for the gift bag, which contained…3 lovely bottles of wine. Final count: 10 bottles of wine.

Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I LOVE wine, and I was THRILLED by my gifts, and that is no lie. I will drink them over the next few weeks and silently thank each person for understanding me so well. But is it TOO WELL? I asked Ken:

Me: Am I that much of a wino?
Ken: Of course not—people just know what you like.
Me (taking a sip of lovely wine and sighing): They really do.

And then of course, it was Thursday, and I did what any normal person would do—I bottled a batch of wine with my dad. Cheers!

In other news, yes, I recently started a weekend job at a local bookstore so I’m living the dream. Except for the part where I have to leave the delightful coziness of my bed on a Sunday morning and go somewhere. Still, it’s a bookstore, so there’s that.

43 thoughts on “I’m Not The Problem”

  1. Happy Belated Birthday Suzanne!! 🎉🥳🎊. Those are the loveliest birthday gifts you could have gotten. Well at least in my opinion, lol. Speaking of wine I found a wonderful cherry moscato the other day and I’m not much of a sweet wine drinker. I like my wine smooth and dry, like my attitude! My current favorite wine is an Argentinian Malbec, nice and chocolate with a subtle taste of dark cherry.

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  5. Every time I wander into Whole Foods, I’m bombarded by a barrage of little signs next to products, proudly declaring random trivia about them. Lately, I’ve been fighting the overwhelming urge to sneak a sign onto the mustard shelf that says, “Colonel Mustard was last seen in the library with the candlestick.” Honestly, it feels like the marketing team is asking for it. 🙂

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  6. Happy belated birthday! I’m glad you got enough wine to get you through the rest of November and had a fun scavenger hunt to make you thirsty. And it’s exciting you’re working at a bookstore. Maybe at some point you can also get a part-time job at a winery.

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  7. Surrounded by enablers, I love it. I’m fond of scotch alas, I’m no longer allowed to drink it. My handler is a strict healthist. One beer per day is my allotment. I’ll take what I can get.
    Bottling Canadian grown grape wine? Pinot Polar? Cabernet Chill? Glacial Gewürztraminer? Chateau St. Brrrrr?

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