The Unique Kingdom

The family and I are finally off the boat, after having a great time. But Cunard is a British line and there were certainly some things about it that were very British. For example, the way they name their food: back bacon is “bacon” and actual bacon is “crispy streaky bacon”, like the only thing they could think of to do was DESCRIBE it to differentiate it. And “prawns”? Doesn’t literally everyone else just say shrimp? The Brits are OBSESSED with prawns and they were a constant on every menu and at every meal at the buffet, with people piling their plates high with the stuff. Me, I’m deathly allergic to shellfish so every meal was an adventure. The Brits love prawns so much that they even have prawn flavoured potato chips. And don’t get me started on “split pots”.

Anyway, strange food names (and the fact that they drive on the wrong side of the road) aside, they also have fun terms for a lot of other things. The gps in our car for example: the volume setting is called “verbosity” and you can set it from “mild” to “medium” to—and I know you’re probably thinking right now, “high”, or “hot” like salsa but you’d be wrong. The highest setting was indeed “verbose”. And after I saw that, I was really hoping that the gps voice would be like Winston Churchill or something but sadly, it was just a computerized, very polite English woman.

But the best thing, and quite possibly the most bizarre thing I’ve EVER seen in my life was an ad for “flatulence filtering garments”. Ken saw the ad above a urinal and he did what any normal person would do—he took a photograph.

And I have SO many questions about the FART PANTS!! Do they have these in any other country?! Is it something particular to the British diet that flatulence is such an issue that they needed to invent wearable filters for every occasion?! Do they work?! Why have I never seen this in the WOMEN’S bathroom?! And why, in the name of all that is holy, are they called SHREDDIES??!! Are men buying these for their wives and vice versa?:

Husband: Happy anniversary, darlingest!

Wife: Flatulence panties?! How thoughtful! You shouldn’t have!

Husband: Anything for you, sweet angel!

Wife: No, I meant you shouldn’t have let rip that disgusting blast of wind just now. Did something crawl up your ass and die?! But never mind—I have a gift for you too!

Husband: Oh thank you, my rosebud! Now we can really blame the dog and no one will be the wiser!

My favourite testimonial is “Now I can go out with friends. I haven’t done that in YEARS!” Like how much do your FART?!

At any rate, the UK is no weirder than most places, I imagine (she says, coming from a country where a toque is a woolly hat and the word “sorry” can mean anything from “actually sorry” to “not sorry at all” to “piss off, why don’t you?”) but it’s beautiful and seeing family again has been wonderful. Which is always the best, most unique thing about travelling.

39 thoughts on “The Unique Kingdom”

  2. So, is there a filter you have to change out every so often, or does all of that flatulence just build up in the fabric until the briefs or hipsters or PYJAMAS (talk about a word that looks funny to an Amurrican) until you can practically wring the ODOUR out? Ick…

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  3. Never heard of a ‘verbosity’ setting before. Maybe it’s not volume but how much guidance you want from your satnav. Lowest setting probably gives you basic ‘left’ & ‘right’ directions along with a restrained sigh when you ignore advice.

    Split what? Are these Aldi/Lidl versions of Muller Corners?

    The Canadian ‘sorry’ thing: Sorry, but you do know you got that from us in the first place? But just like everything we invent, another country now does it better 😜

    Shreddies have been an informal slang for underpants for a few decades (like undies, grundies, underkeks etc etc) but I was surprised that it was commandeered as a brand name. Also, remember that farting is well referenced in British culture so we’re less likely to turn our noses up or make a big stink about this particular product.

    North American bacon: the question we want to know is what do you do with the main bit? It’s like expecting roast pork & only being served the crackling.

    I hate prawns. Marine woodlice. Ick.

    Enjoy our fair island & let me know if you want to see any castles in the middle of England 😁

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    • Ours doesn’t give a restrained sigh—she just keeps repeating the instructions in an increasingly passive aggressive way. I keep expecting her to say “Sorry, but YOU NEED TO ENTER THE ROUNDABOUT AND TAKE THE THIRD LEFT, YOU NUMPTY.

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  5. A quick note about bacon and the Brits. Back bacon is what Americans call Canadian bacon (just the round part) still attached to the streaky part (called’bacon’ in the US). Streaky is the cheap part American’s prefer, which has to be fried within an inch of its life to make it palatable because it’s 80% fat. Presumably the ‘eye’ of the bacon is called Canadian because that’s where it ends up since the US doesn’t want it. Let me know…

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    • No, in Canada, we call the round part “back bacon.” The bacon that comes in long strips, or normal, non-weird bacon, is just called “bacon” here. I thought the yanks called back bacon “pea meal bacon”?

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  7. Consider British food: beans on toast, lots of cabbage. Potatoes are a food group which is why you get dishes like “bangers and mash” because “sausage and mashed potatoes” is too hard to say. Blood pudding which, to me, isn’t pudding but is mostly blood. Peas are an omnipresent side dish. Cucumber sandwiches. Fish and chips. The French are famous for cheese but the British invented cheddar and Stilton and put herbs and onions in their cheeses. It’s surprising the British didn’t invent fart pants sooner.

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  8. Will this trip influence your writing I wonder? After my UK trip a decade ago, my experience primed me to use it as the setting for my 2nd book. My sis still lives in Bath, lucky girl.
    Shreddies, hmm. Maybe they also catch that little squirt that happens sometimes… “Shreddies squirt squelchers.”

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  12. soooo the undies are a little strange, but okay if one needs them… but seems like all one would need rather than buying entire ‘fart pants’ & especially rather than buying ‘fart sheets’?…

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  13. The Shreddies seem fascinating to me, so I went on their website to learn all about these charcoal garments. The website has helpful tips on how to sit and stand whilst wearing them. Get this: Their cloth was “originally developed for use in chemical warfare suits to protect emergency services from harmful noxious gases.”

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