Signs of (Bathroom) Trouble

Last weekend, Ken and I went to the book launch for one of my DarkWinter Press authors. It was a wonderful time—great audience, beautiful venue, and I think she sold a lot of books. It’s the second time I’ve been fortunate enough to attend a DarkWinter author’s book launch and I hope I can keep doing it! But right before the book launch, Ken and I decided to stop off at his old high school, which is in a town near the book launch venue, because they were having a homecoming afternoon.

It was very busy, with a lot of people in attendance because the school serves the small town it’s in plus all of the surrounding area. Still, Ken managed to find a few friends and spent some time catching up (and when I say ‘spent some time’ I mean YOU MADE US LATE TO THE LAUNCH KEN) but it was nice for him to see some of the guys he hung around with when he was a teenager. Right before we left, I needed to use the bathroom and I found one in the main hall. It said ‘Gender Neutral Washroom – Students’, which I thought was very nice, so I went in and used the facilities, but when I tried to wash my hands, I couldn’t get the faucet to work. This happens to me sometimes and it serves to reinforce my belief that I am really a ghost, even though Ken tells me he can see me most of the time. Anyway, I also have OCD (yes, a ghost with OCD—I haunt your house by cleaning it) so I needed to find somewhere to wash my hands and lo and behold, right next to the Gender Neutral student washroom was another door that said, ‘Gender Neutral Washroom – Staff’. So I went in there, and it turns out that the problem was not me being invisible again but that the faucets were NOT in fact motion activated and had a very small handle which needed to be turned. A few blessed seconds later, hands clean, I turned to leave and saw a very strange sign on the wall by the toilet which said this (see below for what it says if you can’t read the image):

In regular print: “If you have digestive issues, please go see a doctor.”

Then in large print: “Otherwise, it is expected that you will clean the toilet after an episode of diarrhea.”

And then in very small print: “Nobody else wants to be part of your bathroom issues.”

I stood there for a minute pondering this. I reread it, then took a picture of it. Later, I was talking to Ken and Kate about it and showed them the picture:

Kate: It makes sense. Why should the custodian have to clean it up?
Me: That’s not the point. The point is this—THERE IS A SIGN. That means it’s happened MORE THAN ONCE!
Kate: Oh right!
Me: It’s the same logic as warning labels on appliances. If it says, “Do not use this hair straightener on your eyelashes” it’s because at least one person has done it! So the question is, how often has ‘an episode of diarrhea’ been such an issue that someone posted an actual warning sign?!
Kate (laughs): Yeah, whoever made the sign was fed up, like, ‘We’re all sick of your shit, Frank.’
Me: And the sign is LAMINATED. Like, just in case it needs to be wiped down.
All: EWWW.

And I can tell you right now, having worked in a high school for many years that the sign was probably written by one of the female English teachers directed towards one of the male gym teachers and you can literally feel the animosity coming off it despite how restrained it is, like what she really wanted to say was ‘Here’s a newsflash, FRANK—if your system can’t handle the constant barrage of burritos and beer, give us all a break from your sewage shower and eat some roughage. And if I ever see you waltzing out of this Gender Neutral space after your explosive diarrhea has rendered it uninhabitable again, I will personally shove a toilet brush up your—”

You can imagine the rest.

Happy anniversary, Ken! It’s been 34 wonderful years and here’s to at least 34 more!

40 thoughts on “Signs of (Bathroom) Trouble”

  1. When I first encountered warning labels on various products, I was quite skeptical about their necessity. It wasn’t until I embarked on my career in the fire department that I truly understood their importance. These warnings, often dismissed as overly cautious or redundant, are in fact critical safety measures. My experience on the front lines of fire and rescue operations revealed that these labels serve a crucial purpose in preventing accidents and saving lives. Ironically, these precautions, which seemed trivial to me at first, are designed to mitigate the very hazards that my job revolves around. Without them, the incidence of fires and accidents would likely increase, thus inadvertently ensuring my job security. This revelation was both humbling and enlightening, as it underscored the vital role of safety regulations in protecting the public—and, paradoxically, in shaping the demand for my professional skills. 🧑🏻‍🚒

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      • 🚒 Oh, the joys of emergency services! I should probably draft a blog post about one of my more unforgettable calls. Picture this: we get dispatched to a scene where a small child managed to get their foot stuck in a toilet. Now, if that wasn’t enough to make you chuckle, here’s the kicker—the toilet had been, shall we say, thoroughly used but tragically neglected when it came to flushing. Yes, you read that right.

        To add another layer of fun, the entire house was decked out in wall-to-wall carpeting, and naturally, the bathroom was inconveniently located in the upstairs corner of the house. So there we were, faced with the delightful challenge of extricating both the child and the toilet. The only viable solution? Moving the kid, still firmly attached to the commode, out to the rescue truck.

        After what felt like an eternity of careful maneuvering and quite a few gag-worthy moments, we finally freed the little one. When the frazzled mom returned home, I couldn’t resist offering a bit of practical advice—handing her the contact details of a reputable local rug cleaning company.

        Ah, the memories. Good times, indeed! 🤣

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      • 🚒 Oh, the joys of emergency services! I should probably draft a blog post about one of my more unforgettable calls. Picture this: we get dispatched to a scene where a small child managed to get their foot stuck in a toilet. Now, if that wasn’t enough to make you chuckle, here’s the kicker—the toilet had been, shall we say, thoroughly used but tragically neglected when it came to flushing. Yes, you read that right.

        To add another layer of fun, the entire house was decked out in wall-to-wall carpeting, and naturally, the bathroom was inconveniently located in the upstairs corner of the house. So there we were, faced with the delightful challenge of extricating both the child and the toilet. The only viable solution? Moving the kid, still firmly attached to the commode, out to the rescue truck.

        After what felt like an eternity of careful maneuvering and quite a few gag-worthy moments, we finally freed the little one. When the frazzled mom returned home, I couldn’t resist offering a bit of practical advice—handing her the contact details of a reputable local rug cleaning company.

        Ah, the memories. Good times, indeed! 🧑🏻‍🚒

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  2. We had a legendary incident at work with a co-worker and their “episode of diarrhea” a little over 20 years ago in the break room bathroom. Left the entire mess for our maintenance crew to clean up as well…. and from the story told (it was my night off), he got it EVERYWHERE. Including the faucets..

    I have more stories, but figure that will gross you out enough for one day….

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  3. For a while the urinal in the men’s room where I work had a sign over it that said “Please stop urinating on the floor.” Somehow I missed that his was happening but someone else noticed it enough to make a sign. I can tell you it made me take a step back and several more steps to the gender-neutral restroom on another floor which is much cleaner and I’ve helped keep it that way. That also reminds me that we used to have a neighbour who had wallpaper in their bathroom of dogs lining up at a fire hydrant and over them was printed “We aim to please so you aim too, please.”
    Anyway I’m glad the book was the only thing that was launched.

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  4. 34! You must have been a child bride. Shame on you, Ken.
    High school? Mine is three thousand miles away. I left in ’79 and never returned. Ever. Hmm, even then I demonstrated anti-social tendencies.
    Has DWLP taken on a life of its own now?

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  6. Back in the ’80s my brother and sister and I were obsessed with cans of Easy Cheese, the squeezable cheese in an aerosol spray can–you can squeeze it on crackers and such. One day, we decided to read the directions, and they said, “remove cap first”–and we laughed and laughed and laughed!

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  11. Happy Anniversary and what a wonderful way to remember it with Emergency Services! I wish you both many more years of love and happiness❤️! You might need to fill me in on your secrets. I have been with my husband for 20 years and married almost 13. Somedays are better than others, but sometimes he makes me crazy!!

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