Taking The Fall

First the good news: After the shuttering of Potters’ Grove Press and their decision to unpublish all their titles, I was left with 2 short story collections that were no longer available. I’m happy to announce that my first short story collection, Feasting Upon The Bones, has been republished by Baxter House Editions and I even had the chance to correct a couple of minor typos that had always bothered me. So if you’d like a copy of the new and improved Feasting Upon The Bones, you can buy it here!

http://a-fwd.com/asin=B0D3YBHJ5R

And in other news…

As I write this, much of my body is aching thanks to an incident earlier in the week, which was terrible at the time but which, because you know me and you know I can laugh at just about anything, seems funny in retrospect:

I woke up early on Thursday morning because I had an online meeting. OK, the meeting started at 9 am but I’m retired and I spent the majority of my career getting up at 5:45 so 9 am IS EARLY AND I WILL NOT BE JUDGED. I got ready, but because it was an online meeting, I did what any normal person would do and I put on a nice sweater and also some pajama pants and my old woolly slippers because my bottom half wouldn’t be visible. The other person logged on right at 9 and we began to chat. Then she wanted to share something on her screen. At the same moment, my phone, which I’d left upstairs, began to ring. It was taking her a minute to get the file up and I was worried about the phone because Ken had gone out with Atlas and I’d heard sirens just a little while before the phone started ringing and again, if you know me at all, you know that I’m the Queen of Worst Case Scenarios. So I said to the other person, “While you’re getting that ready, I’m just going to grab my phone” and then I ran upstairs.

I was in a bit of a panic, thinking that someone was calling to tell me that poor Ken had been hit by a car chasing after Atlas, who had broken his collar AGAIN, or more ludicrously that he had been attacked by an angry swarm of bees and I was picturing Atlas snapping at them all and praying he didn’t get stung (which has happened in the past and I’ve tried to soothe him while simultaneously trying not to laugh at his chubby cheeks), when I hit the third step from the top.

That was when my slippers, being old and woolly and having no tread, went completely out from under me and I landed hard, left-side down, on the stairs. But that wasn’t the end of it. Thanks to my super-comfy yet non-grippy pajama pants and sweater, I began sliding DOWN THE STAIRS AT BREAKNECK SPEED. It sound like this: Thunkthunkthunkthunkthunkthunk and I could go on for another 7 thunks but I think you get the point. About halfway down, I screamed at the top of my lungs—why, I don’t know, because there was nothing and no one who could save me, and I wondered if it was true that if a woman who’s falling down the stairs screams and there’s no one there to hear her, does she make a sound? And the answer is yes. Yes, she does. A very loud and terrifying sound. I hit the bottom of the stairs and lay there for a second, trying to figure out if I had broken anything, and then I suddenly remembered that I was IN A MEETING. So I had to limp over to my office chair and sit down very carefully.

“I’m back. Are you ready to get started?” I asked between clenched teeth. And the meeting continued like nothing had happened, except that I was in agony.

But the best part is that, even though I didn’t break anything, I have some huge bruises, and while that might not seem like an upside, it’s certainly getting me lots of sympathy and maybe even a nice get well present KEN (hint hint—I like wine). Speaking of wine, the only other time I’ve fallen down a set of stairs was when I fell down our attic stairs almost 20 years ago. I was at the bottom trying not to cry and Kate, who was about 8 at the time, immediately ran and got me a glass of wine. Because she’s the best daughter, aren’t you KATE? (hint hint—I like wine).

Worst slip and slide EVER

40 thoughts on “Taking The Fall”

  1. Sorry. I got the old, typo riddled, version. And I have to say this: wouldn’t it have been at least a little cool if, like some people do, you carried on with the meeting while holding the laptop in front of you as you walked around, and all the zoom members witnessed the fall, POV style?

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  2. Wow, I have so many questions now… But the one I’m most curious to know is… Are those your stairs? If so, wow your house is nice!

    Also, although I haven’t fallen down stairs in adulthood, I have fallen through stairs and floors at work. While not a fun or exciting thing to experience, I was fortunate enough to have walked away with just bruises.

    I’m glad that you’re okay. 🙂

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  3. Jesus, as always funny, but worrisome about pain and damages. Importantly, you kept your wits about you and realized you could take advantage of the situation and get wine. Maybe you should set up a “GoWineMe” account so others can comfort and support you with bottles of wine.

    Cheers

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  4. So do you need some wine? Kate bringing you wine after you fell down the attic stairs is both funny and heartwarming. And I’m glad Atlas wasn’t stung by bees and Ken wasn’t hit by a car. The latter is most important because if he’d been hit it would have been a lot harder for him to bring you wine. Although I think Ken could manage it.

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  5. Oh Suzanne! I’m like, what the hell, falling down stairs and acting like nothing happened on your virtual meeting, you are the forklift suit without the forklift suit! But above all I’m so glad your okay apart from the bruising. I love your staircase apart from the fact that it tried to kill you, it’s beautiful. I think I like my original version of Feasting On The Bones, it has one of my favorite authors autographs 😉.

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  6. I tried to leave a comment and my phone froze up in the middle so here is my note:  I am glad you were not hurt worse and I’ll be the mom and say:  Throw away those slippers!  Those type of slippers are not for stairs like yours which look beautiful but are too slick!😳🙄Ice the bruises😟

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

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  9. barbaramullenix's avatar barbaramullenix says:

    I would say something about your fall if I hadn’t just walked directly into my door frame. Looking straight at it yet continuing to walk. Like I have a puppet master or something. I can’t even blame tripping over my cat. Just straight into it. Nice knot on my forehead too. Should have left the typos in – in 25 years those will be collector’s items! Glad you’re OK though and yeah, those stairs are beautiful.

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  10. Oh, no! I winced in pain at every “thunk” in your post. I haven’t fallen down the stairs in a while, but my day is coming I’m sure. I should probably keep wine on every floor in my house, just in case I need to crawl to it quickly.

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