Zoology 101

It’s been a zoo around here this past week. I’m serious—a veritable zoo. First, I’ve been having issues with a squirrel in my attic, and that’s not a euphemism for how my brain works, like literally ALL the time. No, there’s an actual squirrel who took up residence in our attic over a week ago by chewing a hole in our fascia. I noticed one day when I was putting laundry away that it sounded like a herd of elephants cavorting around the heating vent in the ceiling above me, and that’s when we discovered the hole. Ken got out the really long extension ladder (because our house is very old—the main floor is 14 feet high and the second floor is 8 feet high, plus the attic space, carry the 1, divide by the nominator, and draw a Venn diagram where I’m in the middle, terrified that he’s going to fall OFF the ladder—in fact, I came up with a very cunning Worst Case Scenario plan whereby if the ladder tipped over, he was to grab the eavestrough and then swing to the window ledge, leap towards the largest branch of the nearest spruce tree, and then fall into the springy bushes underneath. Ken’s reaction to this, while he was swaying back and forth on the ladder, was “Don’t be ridiculous—I’m not going to fall off.” Thankfully, he did not, but I was PREPARED.) Where was I? Oh, right. So we waited until the next morning when it seemed like the squirrel had gone out for the day, and then Ken repaired the hole. But later that night, it still sounded like there was something in the attic, so we got out the live trap. Ken baited it with peanut butter, and the following became the conversation for the next four mornings:

Day One

Me: Did you catch the squirrel?
Ken: No, but the trap was sprung and the peanut butter was gone.

Day Two

Me: Did you catch the squirrel?
Ken: No, but the trap was sprung and the peanut butter was gone.

Day Three

Me: Did you catch the squirrel?
Ken: No, but the trap was sprung and the peanut butter was gone.

Day Four

Me: Did you catch the squirrel?
Ken: No, but the trap was sprung and the peanut butter was gone.

So now, not only do we still have a squirrel in our attic, he’s the most well-fed and happy squirrel on the block.

And then, I woke up on Wednesday morning, and there was a notification on my phone that our outdoor camera had detected motion around 3 am. What now? Had that bug decided to go on a walkabout? But no—I checked the feed and it was a GIANT RACCOON!! It galumphed from our side porch over to one of our outbuildings like it was having the time of its life and I was so excited, because the other day I saw a video clip about a man who had raised a raccoon and it followed him everywhere like a puppy. Atlas rarely follows me ANYWHERE unless I have food, so a raccoon would be awesome. I decided I would put out a big bowl of food and see if I could gradually tame it to hang out with me, but then Ken reminded me that raccoons are nocturnal so I’d have to be awake in the middle of the night to ‘hang out with it’, and that was kind of a dealbreaker for someone like me who’s asleep by 10 o’clock. Still, I really want more raccoon films so I’ll keep you posted on the results of my labours.

Finally, the strangest thing happened this week as Ken and I were travelling up North so I could do writing presentations to a high school in Cochrane. We went through this small town just as school had finished and we got stuck behind a school bus. It stopped, lights flashing, so we waited patiently while it unloaded. Then it drove off. But there was no child on the sidewalk—there was only a CROW. Just standing there like it was waiting to cross the street. And then from the other side of the street, another crow came hopping along very quickly, like it was coming to meet the first crow who had gotten off the school bus. And I’ve been thinking about that for days.

And finally finally, on a non-animal-related note—my Leacock Longlist stickers came on Friday! If you order my humour book What Any Normal Person Would Do (which you can do by clicking here), it comes with the image of the sticker on the front cover, but the copies I ordered for myself are getting plastered with those bad boys!

22 thoughts on “Zoology 101”

  1. I was on a train in a London station and looked over as another train pulled up on the adjacent tracks. The doors opened and a couple of pigeons walked out, like they’d taken a ride and did that all the time. My wife still doesn’t believe me but other people have seen pigeons riding the trains too. Animals really are amazing. And good luck with the squirrel. Better to have one of those in your attic than the raccoon.

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  3. It’s always an adventure at your house! I’m reminded of a time when I had a brown bear trying to figure out a way to get into my house. I called the police who came over, and they advised me to shoot the bear if it came into my house or posed an imminent threat to me or someone else. I don’t know what the laws are in Canada, but you might be justified in killing the squirrel in your attic if you claimed that it was about to kill you. 😉

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  4. Wow, it seems your home is a magnet for the animal (and insect) world. I hope you haven’t caught that, millipede or whatever it is on camera again. But a raccoon? Now that would be awesome! You should name him, like Sir Walter Bandit or Commodore Chubs, lol. Ken is the epitome of calm and cool, even when he’s on a ladder fixing a squirrel hole, that’s 15 feet high. That story of a crow going to school, there’s a children’s book for you if I’ve ever heard one. You should think about it 😉.

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  5. If you adopt a pine martin it would take care of your small critter problems. But then Atlas would get jealous, so nix that.
    You could bribe the spirits that live in your house, brandy, incense, crystals, get them to shoo the vermin out. But they might traumatize Atlas, so nix that.
    I know, build a ramp into the attic and let Atlas patrol the entire dwelling. Incentivize him with his share of the remaining peanut butter.

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  11. That racoon sounds so cute! I know people are Greatly Annoyed by them, but dang it! They’re just too cute.

    Squirrels can be cute, but they always strike me as having a sinister side. Yours is a good example – it knows how to get the peanut butter without getting caught. Clearly, this squirrel is nobody’s fool.

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