So Many Questions

Lately, I’ve been besieged by the most bizarre ads on literally every social media platform, ads for things I don’t want, don’t need, and would NEVER buy. Yet the ads just keep getting weirder, as if some algorithm is testing my resolve:

Algorithm Engineer 1: Here’s a one-person bathtub. She HAS to buy that.
Algorithm Engineer 2: One-person bathtub. Bwah hah hah!
Algorithm Engineer 1: Wait—nope, she passed.
Algorithm Engineer 2: Show her one with an antique mantel clock mounted on the ledge! Quick!

But I’ve been very good at ignoring even the most enticing clock slash bathtub and I suppose I’ve infuriated the algorithm gods. Case in point:

And I have SO many questions that I hardly know where to start.

1) What the hell is it?

Well, it looks like an inflatable merman. A merman wearing a stethoscope and carrying a puppy, so a…veterinarian merman? Who treats land animals? Below, where it’s cut off, it says December Diamond Dr. P, which I assume is either a very cool rap name, or Dr. P is short for Dr. Perplexed. Which is what I am, and also the good doctor, because the way he’s holding the back of his head makes him look VERY confused about who he is and what he’s doing out of the water. (Also, how does he get to the vet clinic? Does he drag himself down the street or do people bring animals to his…pool?)

2) What IS he doing out of the water?

I don’t know but he looks thirsty and sad. Also, I can’t see the puppy’s back end, so maybe the puppy is a merdog? They have matching collars/belts so I can only assume that it’s HIS puppy. Is the puppy sick? Or is this just some clever way to pick up a date, like “Hi, my dog and I were wondering if you were free later to swim around and listen to each other’s heartbeats” or “Damn, baby, take a listen. You can’t hear anything? That’s cuz you just stole my heart” and then the dog woofs approvingly.

3) Why was it created?

No one knows. The more important questions are these—Is it life size? Is it inflatable? Does it float? Can I use it as a centrepiece in a really crazy fountain in my front yard? Because THAT would be a terrific addition to our neighbourhood.

4) Is the person who created it insane?

ABSOLUTELY. YES.

And the most important thing is that I wrote all of this before I investigated and discovered what December Diamond Dr. P really is because I wanted the element of surprise for ALL of us. Can you even begin to guess? It’s a CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT. He is 7 inches tall and you can buy him on Amazon for the low, low price of $63.22. Of course, if you’d rather pick a different merman, because there’s an ENTIRE COLLECTION, you can also get a firefighter merman, or this cowboy merman riding a horse. I have no clue where that stick goes, and frankly, I’m just fine not knowing.

My favourite part is that in the item description under theme, it says “Religious”. And the best thing of all? Now that I’ve spent so much damned time researching these things, I can’t wait to see what the Algorithm Engineers send me next…

47 thoughts on “So Many Questions”

  3. I’m reminded of a store I used to frequent at the mall called Spencer’s Gifts. If you’re not aware, Spencer’s sold things that absolutely nobody actually bought. And when I say nobody, I mean that I once saw someone buy something there… Once. The store was famous for the Bad Taste Bears, which were plastic Christmas tree ornaments of adorable teddy bears doing all sorts of adult things that were either sexual in nature or involved drug use.

    Now that I’ve composed myself after reading this and laughing really hard, I’m off to look at Amazon to see if they have a firefighter mermaid. Do I need this? Of course not. But the sheer curiosity is why these things exist. 🙂

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  5. So they not only have mermen—including one sitting on an inflatable unicorn, which seems doubly insulting—but also a male fairy named “Evan”. I’m pretty sure they meant “Elven”. But the question still remains: why are these being shown to you as something you might be interested in? Have you been looking at Tom Of Finland books? Or is Amazon’s algorithm just throwing everything at you to see what sticks? And speaking of sticks someone needs to get that poor cowboy merman to a doctor. Or maybe that mer-vet.

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  6. “P” for Pisces? However, since his tail is parallel to his lateral line he’d be better called “Dr. C” for Cetacean.

    Maybe you need to goose your “attached” search algorithm with some alternative queries? Physics, biochemistry or astronomy perhaps? (Astrology doesn’t count.) Or go down a morose path with “amputation, vivisection, reanimation, Dr. M (for Moreau)”.

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  8. That….mer-thing is just creepy, lol. It’s funny about the stupid computer cookies and the algorithms it launches. I clicked on one, ONE stupid ASMR video of someone crushing soap, I was curious as to what that was (because apparently people find that relaxing) and BAM, now I’m bombarded with soap crushing videos. So now I wonder what kind of interesting things you will get from all your hard research on Merman with Puppy, lol.

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  16. I remember seeing an ad for chicken helmets and I thought “OMG that is awesome. Helmets for chicken!” I sent it to a friend for a laugh. She told me to think about another name for rooster and that was what they were actually meant for.

    I died a little inside that day.

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