Just Try To Relax

The other day my chronic shoulder pain was worse than usual, so I finally called a local health centre to find out what to do about it. I’ve already run the gamut—physio, massage, shock wave, barbotage, cortisone shots, and I’ve had more ultrasounds than you can imagine, as the calcium deposits in my tendons grow, shrink, turn into kidney stones, and other demonic attacks on my body. I explained my issue to the receptionist, who recommended that I see their consulting chiropractor on Friday morning at 8:30 AM…who the hell does medical appointments that early in the morning?! I’m RETIRED for crying out loud! But I bit the bullet because I really needed to do something about the pain. On Friday morning, I got to the clinic and sat there for a while watching a woman about my age doing some kind of weird exercises with a younger man that I assumed was the chiropractor and I had two thoughts: a) I was NOT doing any kind of exercise that early in the morning even though I WAS wearing yoga pants, but that’s just for show, obviously and b) if the chiropractor suggested chiropractic-ing me, that was going to be a hard pass for a variety of reasons which are too lengthy to go into here. But eventually it was my turn, and the doctor was very nice and not at all pushy about wanting to crack my spine. He actually suggested a course of accupuncture and I agreed. He told me to lay down on the table with my face in a convenient face-shaped hole, then he started putting the needles into my shoulder. It was virtually painless and I couldn’t feel them going in at all. “Everything good?” he asked. I agreed that I was just fine, and then he said, “OK, dear, lie there, close your eyes and just relax.”

RELAX? Did he know who he was talking to? Because this was the order of events that played out in my mind IMMEDIATELY after he walked out of the room:

1) How many needles did he put in? I couldn’t feel them all—was it five? Ten? How does he know when he takes them out that he hasn’t missed one, and when I put my hoodie back on, I’ll get stabbed?!’

2) There has to be some kind of system. Does he have an excel spreadsheet to write down how many needles he puts in so he knows how many to take out? And if he doesn’t have an excel spreadsheet, that would be a good idea. Maybe I should suggest that to him. But then, you’d still need someone else to VERIFY the number of needles because you could very easily miscount.

3) My arm is getting stiff. Is it safe to move it? If I move it, will one of the indeterminate amount of needles shift and stab me?

4) How long do I have to lie here? He didn’t say anything about a time limit. Wait—is he TREATING SOMEONE ELSE RIGHT NOW? I can hear him through the wall—did he forget about me? How long do I wait before I get up and look for him? CAN I get up? What about the needles? What if I got up then tripped and landed on my arm, jamming the needles deeper into my skin?

4) My face hurts. This face hole is stupid and not very face-shaped at all. I might as well close my eyes—all I can see is the carpet anyway…nope—if I close my eyes, all I see is needles.

5) What time is it? Is he ever coming back? I’m going to start counting and when I reach 10 minutes, I’m getting up, finding my phone and calling for help, needles or no needles.

Luckily for everyone, when I reached 4 minutes and 27 seconds, he suddenly opened the door. “How are you feeling now?” he asked, taking out the needles.

“Just fine,” I said, putting my hoodie back on VERY carefully.

And now I have to do this twice a week until the pain starts to go away. Wish me luck.

Mousetrap update: Still no sign of it. We upgraded to a fancy new live trap that we borrowed from my aunt and we caught a big one this morning, but he refused to talk. And now other things are going missing, including my second-favourite handbag, which has apparently vanished from the coatrack by the door, never to be found, as well as an LV makeup bag. So if you see a mouse sporting a fake-but-very-realistic-looking Louis Vuitton mini-Speedy, tell him I’m looking for him–and I’m bringing an indeterminate amount of needles.

38 thoughts on “Just Try To Relax”

  2. Speaking of needles, might I refer to Exhibit A where I was a Paramedic for some two decades, and have many needle-related stories. Suffice to say, I have had to put needles in people in places that would make even an experienced acupuncturist uncomfortable. 😉

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  3. If someone’s going to stick a bunch of needles in you and then go off and leave you for the staggeringly long time of almost four and a half minutes they should leave you with something to read or at least some music. But what music goes with a bunch of needles in your shoulder? Iggy Pop? The Searchers? Anyway I hope it works. And you might need to start looking for that mouse on Craigslist. Or maybe it’s going to open a fashion booth a couple of doors down from you.

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  6. Fingers crossed you get your shoulder sorted & that you’re able to relax next time. I have the ability to just deactivate any time, any where (mostly). I had a session in an MRI scanner a few months ago & they were anxious that I shouldn’t be anxious, which was nice of them but not required cos I ended up actually nodding off for a bit in it.

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  8. Ridiculous as they always say try to relax😂. I’ve never tried it but I don’t fear needles as I did when young, but nope.  Good luck though.  I know what chronic pain is like.

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  10. I hope the acupuncture helps. Years ago when I had TMJ acupuncture was very effective treatment. I hope you find your purse too. I hate when things disappear like that, especially when I realize later that I had moved the item and forgot what I had done. LOL!

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  12. hope it helps – I’ve had acupuncture many times & never had a prob – it’s helped with respiratory probs. the other day I read a little about Feldenkreis, highly recommended by Dr. Weil, who’s got a foot in western & one in alternative medicine

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  13. As I read the comments and everyone’s concern over you being abandoned on the table with a ton of needles in your shoulder I feel a bit bad because my whole focus is on the fact there is is one fancy dancy mouse out there with her LV makeup bag and her second favorite handbag (thank goodness not the favorite favorite one) strutting down Main with all the bad boy mice following behind cooing at her. Then I wonder did she have help in stealing these items from you. Also what did you do to her that made her want to steal your good things?
    I mean he came back, we all knew he would.
    As always I got a kick out of your post. 🙂

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  16. Uh oh. We’ve all heard about the boy who, upon dressing for the first day of school, neglected to remove ALL the pins in his brand new shirt. It got loose, penetrated his skin and floated around in his blood stream for the next fifteen years, when finally, one day, the errant pin exited through his left nostril during a sneezing fit, whereupon it flew across the room and . . . well, that’s an entirely different story. But, not a happy one. Just sayin’ pins can be problematic. Here’s a hint, though. Yes, it put someone’s eye out.

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