Things That Are Like Other Things

Last night, Ken and I were watching a YouTube video about songwriters that got sued because their songs sounded too much like other songs. And there were a LOT of them. Most of the time, the newer songwriters lost in court and had to pay royalties to the previous songwriters. And it got me thinking about other things that are like things, only I don’t know if anyone ever got sued over any of these:

One Christmas, Ken put something amazing in my stocking. We’ve always given each other stockings full of socks, chocolate, wine, and other small cool stuff, and that year I was excited to receive a pen. That might sound less cool than I’ve made it out to be, but wait! It wasn’t just a pen—it was also a screwdriver, a level, and a ruler. It was, in fact, a “4-In-1 Pen Tool”, and if that isn’t the best thing that is like another thing, I don’t know what is. Now, no matter where I go, I can measure something, check if it’s level, repair it, or write down an interesting fact about it. Because multi-tasking is an art, and things that are like other things are a multi-tasker’s best friend.

Here’s another example–if you’ve been here before, you know that I LOVE gummy vitamins. They’re multi-coloured, taste just like gummy bears, and are the best of both worlds. The first thing I get to do when I get up in the morning, even BEFORE I eat my yogurt, is have some candy. And it was recommended by my doctor! I NEVER used to take vitamins before, on the grounds that they tasted bad (except for Vitamin C tablets, which taste like oranges, or just like the baby aspirin they had when I was a kid. I used to sneak baby aspirin every so often because they were so delicious–I could fall off my bike and bleed half to death because my blood was so thin, but it didn’t hurt at all), and I didn’t really care about thiamine or niacin or dioxin or whatever. But now, I take vitamins every day because it’s fun AND healthy.

And that got me thinking about: First, things that are like other things that make me happy, and next: the things that SHOULD be like other things that would make me even happier:

1) One of my all-time favourite things which is like another thing is ‘Pants That Are Pajamas’. After working from home during the pandemic, I accrued several pairs of these. Some people call them ‘Yoga Pants’ but I don’t do yoga, unless you count a vigorous stretch to grab a wine glass from the cupboard. And if you’re still working remotely, ‘Pants That Are Pajamas’ allow you to easily transition from Business Casual to Nightwear with very little effort at all.

2) If you’ve ever flown, you know that your seat cushion turns into a flotation device. Which begs the question (which I think I heard first from Jerry Seinfeld) ‘why doesn’t the plane just turn into a cruise ship if it lands in the water?’ I know this is totally possible, because my next favourite thing which is like another thing is a bus that turns into a boat. We went on a bus tour in Ottawa a few years ago, and after we’d driven around for a while looking at the Parliament buildings and whatnot, the driver suddenly announced that we would also be cruising the harbour. Then we drove down a ramp, STRAIGHT INTO THE RIVER. I was totally freaking, but Ken was like, “Don’t worry–the wheels turn into propellers and there’s a ring underneath that inflates.” I responded very calmly with “Liar! We’re going to drown!” and Ken said, “They ADVERTISED this. Why are you acting all surprised? Don’t you remember?”, but I reminded HIM that first, I thought they meant we would get OFF the bus and get ON a boat, and second, I may or may not have been enjoying a very nice Sauvignon Blanc the previous evening when he pulled out the brochure and was waving it around, saying, “Ooh, this will be fun.” But you know what? Once I got used to the idea that my bus was now a boat, and the bus driver was now a sea captain and I could refer to him as ‘Skipper’, I really enjoyed the whole experience. Kate, of course, remained calm throughout the entire tour. Or maybe she was bored. Mainly because the tour consisted of just looking at buildings. But still, the Bus-Boat was very cool.

3) Canes that become swords. Okay, technically, they don’t BECOME swords, they just have swords in them. It would be awesome to be hobbling around, all decrepit-like, then suddenly whip out that sword like a superspy ninja when the need arose. I also love canes that double as flasks for alcohol, because who DOESN’T want to crack that bad boy open when no one’s looking? It would have made my Bus-Boat trip a hell of a lot more interesting once we were on the water, that’s for sure.

4) Sporks. This is two handy things in one–a spoon and a fork. Take it one step further by sharpening the plastic edge, and you have a sporfe: a spoon, fork, and knife all in one, which I just invented. Actually, this might have already been invented, most likely by a prisoner, who stole a spoon from the canteen and turned it into a weapon to shank his cellmate with first, then ate the guy’s pie and ice cream after. Wow, that got dark kind of quick for a fun plastic utensil.

5) Closed Captioning. This allows you to watch TV and read at the same time, so all those people who think reading is a more intellectual pursuit than Netflix can get stuffed.

Okay, so I’ve listed some things that are already like other things, so here are some ideas about things that I WISH were other things:

1) An exercise machine that is also a bar. Many years ago, I had a recumbent cycle, and I used to pour a big glass of wine, turn on the TV, and cycle for a few kilometres. It was hardly like exercising AT ALL, and I broke even on the calories.

2) A bookshelf that is a door. I’ve been bugging Ken about this for a while now, trying to get him to think of a place in our house where we could put a bookshelf that is, in reality, the door to a secret room. There are a couple of spots where we could do it, but Ken thinks it would be really complicated to build. What a baby. I mean, I’m no engineer, but I do have a 4-In-1 pen, and I think it’s definitely possible.

3) A pen with a Tide White Stick on the other end. This is great for people like me, who are fairly clumsy and wave pens around for emphasis, inevitably getting ink on their clothes. But see, with my invention, all you’d have to do is flip the thing around, erase that blob, and you’re good to go. Combine it with the 4-In-1 Pen and you wouldn’t be able to keep them on store shelves—they’d be snapped up faster than a recumbent cycle with a built-in wine fridge.

Ultimately, I am the QUEEN of multi-tasking. Whether it’s eating, drinking, working out, or just relaxing, I’ve got a pen for that.

35 thoughts on “Things That Are Like Other Things”

  1. One of Joe’s dreams is to have a door that is a bookshelf that leads to a secret room! And, I say it definitely has to have the book you tip to open the secret entrance! He is trying to find a place for one in our new house; if he does, I will be sure to let you know right away!

    The bus/boat thing has me very dubious….but, that may be because I can’t understand why anyone would want anything to turn into a boat. Not a boat lady, in case that wasn’t obvious.

    Love love love your writing and your blog and your wonderful mind! Thank you for bringing laughter into another Sunday! xoxoxo

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    • I swear, it’s true—we were on a bus one minute driving around the streets and in the water floating on the Ottawa river the next! It was nuts! Tell Joe he needs to start on the bookcase so that I can tell Ken. “All my friends have one!”

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  2. I’ve got one of those pens! Or, kind of like it. It’s got a ballpoint pen at one end, measurements in cm & inches, a spirit level – and 2 different types of screwdriver. So that’s 5 tools. Oh, and it also has one of those rubbery ends to use on phones instead of your finger. So, yeah baby, SIX functions!
    Of course, I never use it.

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  3. Oh my gawd, I so want to get a bookshelf that’s a door too! I also have that multi tool pen, I keep it in my desk at work. I love how Seinfeld comes up with these kooky weird scenarios, it’s a matter of time when someone comes up with the Air/steam liner, lol.

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  4. The history of the spork is rather fascinating…
    You know multi-tasking is a myth right? Hot-swapping memory between two (or more) non-related efforts is possible, but you end up doing both more poorly than if you’d focused on just the one. But, by all means, continue with what works. (Maybe wine is the memory lubricant between tasks…)

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  5. Things that are like other things can have their disadvantages. Remember there used to be a plane that was painted to look like a killer whale? I heard a comedian talk about how hard that would be to spot if it went down in the ocean although the pilot could always radio to the rescue team to look for a plane being bumped by an orca.
    Your pen also sounds like a Swiss Army knife but it’s better because it includes a writing utensil. I used to have a Swiss Army knife and I never used the knife but I constantly used the pen I kept next to it in my pocket.

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  6. I have one of those multi-tasking pens, except it’s a pen, flashlight, and a naked girl appears when you turn it upside down. A friend gave it to me for Christmas back in the 1980s, so it’s also an antique, or maybe just vintage. I won’t say what multitasking it’s used for…

    One of my wife’s cousins has a secret room. We saw it when we visited him in 2003, the first year I met him. He flicked up a light switch and then then pressed a door bell button on the bar.

    A hidden door popped open. Behind it was a gun room. Lots of guns on walls. Serious weapons. A display case on a wall held knives. Another display case, in the room’s center, had war memorabilia from the American Civil War, German and NAZI stuff from wars I & II, Korean and Vietnam war items. Hand grenades, hand guns, knives, shrapnel, helmets, medals. He lived in Georgia, just outside of Atlanta, on a cul-de-sac. He said that he and the neighbors also had constructed an underground shooting range. He owned a child care center.

    I began my multitasking career as a child. I liked to race into the kitchen and make my breakfast of cereal and milk while I dressed. Thought it saved time. I’d need to do it fast as possible, too, making it a personal challenge to set a new record time. Thing is, though, the refrigerator wasn’t grounded, so I had to be very careful about grabbing the drawer handle to get a spoon, whipping around to open the refrigerator door, then spinning back to open the cupboard for a bowl and lunging across to the pantry for cereal. With these now opened, I’d grab spoon, bowl, milk, cereal, and then close the drawer, pantry, cupboard, replacing the milk and closing the frig door. No one else could be in the room while this ballet was performed, of course. Through all of this, I’d be in my underwear, throwing a shirt over my head and pulling my pants on.

    And yes, my timing was off one morning. I grabbed the spoon drawer, then seized the frig door. Electricity surged through me. I screamed and broke free, holding my hands in pain.

    Mom came in. “What are you doing? Stop making so much noise. The baby is asleep.”

    Then she was gone. My younger sister witnessed it all, so it’s been validated.

    Sorry this was so long. Your post inspired memories. Cheers

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  8. Now I’m wondering if I should buy gummy vitamins for my husband so I don’t have to remind him to take them. A bit worried though that he might OD on vitamins. Gummy bears disappear quick when he’s around. LOL

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  11. I feel like so many of the toys and gadgets of the 1980s were premised on the idea that one device could serve two independent and entirely unrelated functions, like calculator wristwatches and the Transformers. On Batman, the Penguin had an array of umbrellas that could shoot bullets or turn into a personal helicopter! I wonder if that trend started with James Bond, what with his submarine car and dagger shoes and cigarette rocket launcher!

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  13. Wish list is funny. I can tell you that where I live there was a bar on wheels that served beer. It was powered by the patrons peddling it. Quite a contraption. So your desire for an exercise bar is sort of a reality. It was right downtown, On the streets and slowing traffic as the people peddled and smiled there way while drinking. Ah yes, I think it’s gone now. Too bad.

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  14. I LOVE the idea of the 4-in-1 pen with the Tide Stick. That MUST become a Thing! I can think of 5 people off the top of my head that I would give them to…and when giving it to them, I’d say, “The sacrifice that costs us nothing is worth nothing.”

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