Let Them Eat Cake

If you know anything about me at all, you’ll know I love reality shows. Most of them are about drag queens, but lately, I’ve been watching baking shows because the second season of Is It Cake? just came out. In this show, a group of bakers have to recreate everyday objects out of cake, and sometimes it’s almost impossible to distinguish between the object, like a Doc Marten boot or a turntable, and the cake that looks like it. The bakers use a variety of tricks—edible paper, molding chocolate, fondant and whatnot, because in this show, everything has to be edible. And then sadly, I finished all the episodes and, having no Drag Race shows to watch (by the way, I decided that if I was a drag queen, my name would be Tartan Juicy because I’m part Scottish), I started searching through my channels for something else to fill the void and found the Dr. Seuss Baking Challenge. In this show, the contestants have to create cakes based on the books of Dr. Seuss. It was a lot of fun watching them make Truffula Trees and Grinches, but it got me thinking about other possibilities for baking shows….

1) The Kafka Kitchen

Host: Welcome to The Kafka Kitchen, a show that marries the absurdity of reality with cake! Today, our contestants were challenged to come up with a special dessert that exemplifies The Franz Kafka Thang. I’m here today with our judges, Connie and Hermann, to see who can outcake Kafka! Blue Team, what did you make?
Blue Team Spokesperson: We created a giant cockroach out of a peanut butter swirl cake with a butterscotch ganache, vanilla cream icing, and an orange fondant.
Host: Delicious! What was your secret ingredient?
Blue Team Spokesperson: We were given anise and nihilism.
Host: It looks super-depressing!
Blue Team Spokesperson: Thank you. That means a lot.
Host: Connie and Hermann, what do you think?
Connie: It devastates me.
Hermann: Ja, it is oblivion to me.
Host: Blue Team, you have “metamorphized” into first place!

2) Shakespeare Cake-speare

Host: Welcome to Shakespeare Cake-speare where our contestants must design desserts based on the plays of William Shakespeare. Today’s challenge—Titus Andronicus! I’m here with our judges, Portia and Mercutio, as we try to determine who is the Bard of Baking! Green Team, tell us about your special creation!
Green Team Spokesperson: We made a pie.
Host: Cool! What kind of pie?
Green Team Spokesperson: Meat.
Host: Meat? But it’s supposed to be a dessert…Judges, what do you think?
Portia: It looks very bloody. What kind of meat IS it?
Host: Mercutio? Mercutio? Has anyone seen Mercutio?
Portia: Not since this morning…
Green Team Spokesperson: That’s what he gets for criticizing our scale model Globe Theatre cake. Too many sprinkles, my ass. To be or not to be, Mercutio.

At any rate, I’m sure there are plenty of other authors who would make a great basis for a baking show—can you imagine cakes all inspired by Alice In Wonderland or Lord Of The Rings? Regardless, the only thing I need to know is: Is It Cake?!

In other news, Atlas recently acquired a new toy. We don’t buy him toys very often because a) he has a huge wicker basket of toys already, and b) he will immediately destroy anything not made out of the most durable rubber. But this toy, a type of stuffed character, was a gift from a friend whose dog had passed away, so we reluctantly let him have it under supervision on the balcony only. Every night after dinner, Ken and I go up to our balcony for dessert and now Atlas can’t wait. He’s actually started running to the balcony door any time we go upstairs, and he stands with his nose pressed against the door crying a little because he wants his new toy so badly. It’s very cute and also a little obsessive. The only option is to bake him a cake that LOOKS like his toy, and then he can destroy THAT instead of the toy, which is much healthier because cake and fondant won’t get lodged in his intestines like flannel and micro-fill will. And if he can’t tell the difference, maybe I’ll win a prize…

In other, other news, thanks to everyone who’s purchased and given a review to What Any Normal Person Would Do–last week it was actually sitting at #12 on Amazon Canada’s Best Sellers in Comedy chart! And now I’m hard at work editing manuscripts for the authors I’ve signed for the fall under the DarkWinter Press imprint–I’m sure they’re all going to be bestsellers too!



44 thoughts on “Let Them Eat Cake”

  2. Marvel and Ludo (and Moxie before) are absolutely spoiled with toys they chew through too quickly. In fact, Mrs C brought back two huge stuffed bears for them that she won at Circus Circus last week. Luckily, the live-in MIL will sew up many of the stuffies they impair, because impair them they shall! Atlas, by the way, is looking sensational. Big hugs from Tommy C! ❤️

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  4. I recently learned that Kafka thought his stories were very funny and would laugh while reading them to friends. Except, maybe, “In The Penal Colony” which is a brutal story. Still “The Penal Colony” would be a fun name for a collective of drag queens.
    And it’s very funny that Atlas is so obsessive about his new toy because in that first picture he looks so chill.

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  5. I’ve watched Is It Cake, and they made one that looks exactly like a roll of toilet paper and I thought, I can tell which one is which. But now I couldn’t tell!! Then one that looked like an old 80’s boom box and that one amazed me!

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  6. Churches, cathedrals with their stained isomalt windows.
    Eighth grade dioramas including the shoeboxes and Playdoh people (no dads allowed).
    Implements of torture, carrot-cake cat o’ nine tails.

    I’ve heard it said that the peak of civilizations, before their collapse, is indicated by the elevation of the absurd, food as art. What epitomizes egregious excess more than treating food as discardable construction material? I watched all of the The Great British Baked Good Trash Bin and always wondered what they did with all that excess Pollywood diss’d food.

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  11. I stopped watching US cake shows after it seemed like so much un-tasty cheating to use fondant & pvc pipes. the British one is great but I’d be craving pastry for an entire week afterward…

    your doggie – swoon! so pretty!

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  14. Our little one, Jade, also destroys the soft toys. I end up pulling out all the stuffing because she will inevitable chew holes into the toy. She also goes through the super tough kong toys quickly. She is a tiny pug….how is this possible……..Atlas is a total cutie pie and I love that you and Ken have dessert on the balcony every night!!!!! I may have to start watching baking shows now! You never fail to amaze, delight and inspire me! Thank you, my friend!

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  16. My daughter loves baking shows, but I’ve never seen one. I must give it a try. That Seuss one sounds adorable, though your ideas would surely be hits. And those pics of Atlas and his beloved toy are so cute! Thanks for the laughs, Suzanne.

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  18. The Kafka Kitchen could be competition-show gold!

    I’m reminded of that old Christmas comedy The Ref, in which Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis are in marriage counseling, and Spacey says to the therapist: “She blames my mother for everything that’s gone wrong in her life. In the meantime, she never finishes anything she starts. Photography courses, existential philosophy courses, Scandinavian cooking classes.”

    To which she says: “At least I go after my dreams.”

    And he replies: “To be what, somebody who takes photographs of lutefisk to prove the nothingness of being?”

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