What Any Normal Person Would Do

First, I have very exciting news. After a lot of time spent and a lot of trial and error, I’ve finally published the test book for DarkWinter Press. It’s called What Any Normal Person Would Do, and it’s basically a compilation of some of my early humour posts. I found common themes, divided them into chapters and made the whole thing flow more cohesively. Then I had to figure out Kindle Direct Publishing, which I did with help from friends, watching a lot of YouTube videos, and calling their support line a couple of times. The cover was especially hard to do—I don’t have any of the “pro” versions of Canva, Photoshop, Gimp and so on, so I resorted to Microsoft Publisher and found an awesome walkthrough about how to use the KDP cover template in that program—you can see the result below.

(Note: this is not a children’s book. That’s me as a child with creepy demon Santa, the one who cursed me with a mind that never shuts off). I finally uploaded everything on Thursday, and on Friday I got notification that the paperback and Kindle e-book are now both live and available! So I’m super-excited because now I can launch DarkWinter Press and start to publish other people! So if you want to help me out and order either the paperback or the Kindle e-version, that would be awesome, and a lot easier for you than trying to read through all 489 posts starting from 2014 until now. Here are the links if you’re interested: Amazon.com and Amazon.ca. It’s also available on all the other Amazons.

Over the next few days, I’ll be meeting with my web developer to figure out how to incorporate DarkWinter Press and DarkWinter Lit, and then I’ll start accepting submissions. I can’t wait!!

In other news, this past week I once again had to pull out my McGyvering skills when Ken went to stay with his mom for a couple of nights, leaving me alone in a very large old house with a very nervous young dog. Things would have been all right if we weren’t also babysitting Kate’s cat, my beautiful Ilana, and it put the dog on high alert—or even higher alert than normal. The lock on our bedroom door was painted shut years ago and I kept asking Ken to fix it, but in the meantime, we’d installed one of those sneck hooks that kept the door somewhat secured BUT NOT COMPLETELY. So on Tuesday night, I finished snuggling Ilana then shut her in the back part of the house, and enticed the dog upstairs with cookies. And when he came, I hooked the door:

Atlas: But there are things I need to do downstairs.
Me: It’s 11:00 pm. It’s time for sleep.
Atlas: I’m going to stand by the door and boof it.
Me: Stop sticking your nose in the gap. Get on the bed or no more cookies.
Atlas: I AM feeling pretty sleepy. Where are those cookies again?

All was well and good until 5:30 am when I was awakened by Atlas losing his shit, standing on the bed, hackles raised, and barking and snarling at the three inch space between the door and the jamb. I was TERRIFIED. I couldn’t detect any movement in the hallway, or see any moving shadows in the hall light, and after a few minutes, I steeled myself. I grabbed the baseball bat that I keep by the bed and yelled, “Okay boy—get ‘em!” I opened the door and Atlas went charging out, me following close behind with the bat. We searched the whole house and nothing.

Atlas: Maybe it was a bad dream. Or a ghost.
Me: You’re staying downstairs.

I finally fell back to sleep with the bat on my pillow, only to be awakened again by someone hammering on the door down the hall. This time, it was the cat, wanting to be fed. I’d had enough, and spent the next three hours reading because there was NO WAY I could get back to sleep after that. On Wednesday afternoon, in preparation for Ken being away again, I examined the lock. Our bedroom has its own bathroom, as well as a balcony that I could use in case I needed to escape—if I could only get the lock working, I could lock me and the dog in, and ghosts/intruders could have a f*cking field day but I’d be safe in my own little panic room. Using only a chisel, a hammer, and copious amounts of WD40, I managed to:

1) Chisel off the paint on the lock.
2) Chisel the edges of the lock.
3) Use the skeleton key to wiggle the lock.
4) Spray WD40 into the lock.
5) Hammer the lock until it finally pops free.
6) Realized that the lock plate is too small.
7) Use the chisel as a screwdriver and unscrew the lock plate.
8) Chisel out a larger hole so that the lock will fit.
9) Lock the door.
10) Yell “Haha!”

That night, after I’d snuggled the cat, Atlas and I retired to the bedroom, me with wine and him with cookies. I locked the door behind us, and we both slept soundly until morning. It’s what any normal person would do.

42 thoughts on “What Any Normal Person Would Do”

  1. DWP: $Done. Good job. Now that’s what a retired spy should be doing.
    Skeleton Key? No wonder Atlas was trippin’. Skeleton keys lock doors behind which skeletons roam.
    What’s the entry count now on DWL? Do you have the rights to all the submissions published? Could you make an anthology from those? Not sure if there’s a proceeds distribution issue. Maybe all profits go to some non-profit…

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  2. The new book cover looks great! And I’m glad it’s available in print too. And available from all the Amazons. I look forward to getting it. Also while your MacGyvering skills are impressive if you want to add some extra protection consider a fishing net. In Eastern European folklore there’s a belief that a fishing net placed over an entryway can stop vampires, ghosts, and other malevolent spirits because they insist on counting the knots but keep losing track and have to start over so it occupies them until dawn. Then the sunlight destroys them or forces them to retreat.
    Of course the downside is if you need to get out in a hurry you’ve got a fishing net over your door.

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  4. Bravo! It is fantastic that I can order your book! I tell people about your blog, but it is lost in my bumbling translation! Now, I can share it with people. Also on your new follow up book. I’ll be sure to check that out too.
    A) Ghosts is my vote
    B) Other possibilities?
    C) Who knows?
    Hurrah on fixing the lock! You rock!

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  5. I cannot believe that you lock yourself in at night. I would be terrified lol after checking the door to ensure that it is locked (front door) I crawl into bed. Just like I cannot sleep with the closet door open for the boogie man will find a way in. Oh the things that we think of. You are on my wish list. 🙂

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  8. Suzanne, my friend, you have a thrilling life whether it’s during the day or in the dead of night. Glad there was nothing there when you opened the door. It’s awesome that you have your DarkWinter Press on the verge of up and running. I can’t wait to get my copy of your new book! 🙂 Mona

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  10. Oh, wow, Suzanne — congrats on launching your new press! It’s no small undertaking — and no small accomplishment. It’s an amazing thing to support indie authors and their stories. I would even go so far as to say it’s a public service, no different than the library. I anticipate only the best of success — and the scariest of stories — from DarkWinter Press!

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  12. I’m so excited for you about your publishing house, Dark Winter Press!! It has a nice ring to it. I can’t wait to read all the great stories you collect from submissions. Atlas is a good dog, he’s only protecting his human. The cats don’t care, I say this as “Charlie Pee Pants” glares at me from behind.

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  13. Suzanne!! The book looks great–your layout skills are a great complement to your writing. How exciting to see the compilation after all you put into it. Congratulations! I’m sure Atlas was “helping” along the same lines that my idiot dog “helps” here, which is to say providing zero support in facing danger, real or etheral.

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  14. Ah…I feel your pain. The dog sleeps outside my bedroom door but has access to a dog flap in the laundry. We go for a pee walk every night and that’s usually enough to keep her asleep, and quiet, until morning. Not so last night. Mr Fox must have come visiting because the next thing I know, the dog is barking to be let in…because in her doggy mind, she has to ask for permission to come in. -sigh- Time? 4:00am.
    I’m also very impressed with your handywoman skills. Bravo! Oh, and huge congratulations on the book. I know how big a learning curve it must have been so well done on creating such a good looking book. 🙂

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      • My first dog slept with me [when I was a kid], but she was very highly strung and would bite if you moved. Since then the only animal I’ve shared my bed with was Mitty [cat]. That was before the Offspring came along and ended up sharing the bed. -sigh- These days I toss and turn so much my animals are better off sleeping outside the door.

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