Last week, I brought a box of silverware home from my booth because the knife holder thingy had detached itself and I wanted to repair it. The silverware and the box are heavy, so instead of lugging it all the way back to the antique market, I decided to post it on Facebook Marketplace for $70. The ad was a picture of the silverware, the box, the hallmarks etc. and the description read as follows: “Gorgeous 1928 hallmarked Bruckman German silverware. 12 dinner forks, 8 dessert forks, 8 teaspoons, 7 large spoons and 1 large serving spoon, and 11 knives with never-rust blades. Comes with box. Located in Drumbo Ontario.”

Two things happened as a result. First, I was inundated with all the usual stupid questions:

Is it silver?
Is it silverplated?
How many pieces are there?
How old is the set?
Is it English?
Where are you located?
Is it sterling?

I was asked that last question several times, because apparently there are people out there who think you can buy an entire set of solid sterling silver cutlery for $70, and not the ten grand it would actually be worth. So I updated the ad to include the rider, “Obviously, based on the price, this is high quality silver plate, not solid sterling.”

The second thing that happened was that I realized that there are a LOT of people who think you can buy and sell priceless objects for veritable pennies (or even free), based on the ads that some people are posting:

1) This is a picture of a piece of wood with the word “undies” written on it in what looks like black crayon. The description reads, “If you turn this down you clearly dont know art.” After considering for a while, I’ve come to the conclusion that people who DO know Art are aware that he regularly runs out of underwear and is reduced to begging for ten dollars’ worth of it on the internet. But the description is a little ominous. If I DO turn the request down on the principle that Art is a grown-ass man and should get a job to fund his foundation garment issues, is he going to come after me and drag me out to an underwear store, forcing me to buy him a pair? And for ten dollars, it will be only one pair—have you SEEN the cost of undies these days? The whole thing seems a little aggressive to me.

2) Of course, the opposite of aggressive is passive-aggressive, and I think this ad fits that bill perfectly. While it SEEMS incomprehensible, I think it’s just a very clever way of getting sh*t out of your house without having to move it yourself, like “If you want this free thing, I’m not helping you move it, but you and your friends can come get it. By the way, I have a sore back, so don’t blame me for expecting you to do all the work, I mean this thing is FREE after all.” But the best part was that at first, I looked at the ad really quickly and thought that Louis meant that the buyer and their friends would need to carry it on their backs, and I know it’s free, but you can’t MAKE people do tricks for you without a little more incentive. Like, throw in a “free away” couch or something, you know, sweeten the pot.

3) Then we go from aggressively passive-aggressive to quantum mechanics. Apparently this is not just a simple mirror, it’s Schrodinger’s Mexican Punched Tin and Talavera Tile Mirror. Currently, it’s in a large box where it is simultaneously free and not free. But seriously, why do this? If you don’t want to give it away, put a price in the box that asks you for the price instead of being so ornery about it, like “It’s NOT FREE, BRENDA. I KNOW IT SAYS FREE BUT IT’S NOT. GODDAMMIT.”   

In other news, good news that is, I had my regularly scheduled mammogram on Thursday morning, and the results came back yesterday, congratulating me that my boobs are still just fine. I wouldn’t have thought otherwise, but I work with a woman who styles herself as a Wiccan healer and a few weeks ago, my shoulder was really bothering me, so she offered to do a “Wiccan healing therapy session” on it at work. This involved me sitting in a chair and her breathing deeply, waving her hands around and then pressing them down on my shoulder. During the “treatment”, she suddenly stopped and asked, “Do you have any problems with cysts in your breasts?”

I said no, and she continued very ominously, “I’m detecting quite a few on the left. You should get it checked out.” And while I don’t believe that anyone, even the MOST qualified Wiccan healer on the planet could magically detect a boob issue, she DID cleanse the back corner of the antique market of the dangerous presence that she detected back there. Well, she THINKS she did, but *whispering voice* it’s still there

40 thoughts on “Silver(be)ware

  1. Oh man you made my Sunday. All the characters you come across is an adventure in itself. But passive-aggressive posts about furniture that’s is free, that’s pure gold. Oh an that Wiccan coworker, who could ask for more entertainment than that? Glad your boob doctor appointment went well. I have to go to mine but since I don’t have insurance yet, I have to wait one more another month. So, did someone take you up on the silverware that isn’t actual sterling silver? 🤣😂😝😆

    Liked by 2 people

  2. There’s a recent youtube by Veritasium all about lead poisoning. It’s alarming and provocative. (That’s the lead in…)

    I’ve been a staunch supporter of the standard distribution curve regarding intelligence. Half of the human population have an IQ < 100. I don't know any of these people, but apparently Facebook Marketplace does. And I think we now know why their IQ is so low (see video).

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Art’s sign seems to be trying for the shortest and most weirdly fetishistic Hemingway story ever. There’s more to it like “Never worn,” or at least I hope that’s the case. The silverware also reminds me of a sign Mark Twain put up in his house that said something like, “To the next burglar: Feel free to take the silverware; it’s plate and not worth much.” He missed an opportunity by not telling them to bring their friends to carry it because he had a sore back, and using such arcane word order that the burglar would be befuddled until everyone woke up. And then the burglar would get Mexican punched.

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    • Even though I don’t know Art, I doubt he’s that fussy about underwear–I’ll bet he wears whatever he can get for 10 bucks. But Twain missed the boat–nowadays, even silver plate is worth a bit more than you’d think–at least 70 dollars worth!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ll take that solid sterling silverware set for $70. What a great price! I love reading your ad finds, Suzanne. They’re so nonsensical and funny. Do these people wonder why their stuff doesn’t sell? Or does it?!!! And I’m delighted to know that your boob is AOK. 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Did you get a home for your silverware set in the end after all of the questions?
    those ads, mmm, funny is what I’d have to call these people.
    I’ve never used facebook marketplace, but I’ve seen one or two adverts and OMG!

    Liked by 2 people

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