All The Bits And Pieces

Well, it’s that time of year again, the time of year where we’re barely into November but the Christmas decorations are already up in the stores, carols are playing on the radio, the fireplace is merrily and virtually burning on the flatscreen, and the Bits and Pieces gift catalogue has arrived. And nothing says the holiday season quite like a cheap plastic puzzle box or a pantless garden gnome.

But just like every year, tucked in among the pornographic elves, the interminable pages of jigsaw puzzles and the novelty socks, there are always a few treasures. So without further ado, here are my favourite top 5:

1) Night Vision Binoculars:

For 39.99, you can “see a little bit more in darkness” with these night vision goggles that allow you to “hone in on any desired object”. Exactly WHO are we marketing to here? Someone sitting in their room at night, honing in on desired objects like, perhaps, the young pretty neighbour next door? The description also says these binoculars are “perfect for spying or just keeping track of what goes on in the night”:

Wife: Honey, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: But you’re sitting here in the dark with a pair of binocul—hey, are you spying?
Husband (affronted): No! I’m just keeping track of what goes on in the night, thank you very much!
Wife: Oh, well that’s normal.

Apparently, they come with a Velcro headband that “fits most”. It doesn’t specify most WHAT, but I think we can all guess.

2) Screaming Flying Monkey:

This is the official mascot of 2020. 

3) Personalized “Hide Your Stash” Cylinder:

This ingenious invention is a small metal cylinder made out of “waterproof aluminum” (as opposed to the kind that gets really soggy when wet) and can be used to hide your “treasured possessions or emergency medicine”. The best thing about the cylinder is that you can personalize it with your own name. The stupidest thing about the cylinder is that it comes with the word STASH already engraved on it:

Robber: Stick ‘em up. Give me your stash.
Victim: But I don’t have a stash!
Robber: Nice try. It says Michael’s Stash right there on that cylinder you have attached to your belt. Hand it over.
Victim (despondent): Oh, my treasures!
Robber: Ooh, is this weed? Nice stash, man! Thanks!
Victim: How did it all go so wrong?

4) Beard Baubles:

As if things aren’t bad enough, now men can decorate their beards with tiny Christmas tree ornaments, thanks to Bits and Pieces. If the Screaming Flying Monkey is the official mascot of 2020, then Beard Baubles is the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse, right after the release of the Four Horsemen. According to Saint John, “I saw the beast with 7 heads, 10 horns, and 12 beard baubles coming out of the sea.” It was prophetic. Of course, Saint John also said, “If anyone is to be killed with the sword, with the sword they will be killed”, so some of his prophecies were a tad self-evident.

5) Weener Kleener Soap:

This is on the same page in the catalogue as the fibre optic Christmas tree and kitty cat slippers, and it really blows the whole family-friendly vibe out of the water. This soap is shaped like a donut and is designed to have a manpart inserted through it for the purpose of personal hygiene which, according to the package, has “never been so stimulating”. It also boasts that one size fits MOST men.

Husband: Hey, this dang Weener Kleener doesn’t fit my weener! It’s all loosey-goosey and whatnot!
Wife: As I’ve long suspected, you’re just not like most men. Sigh.

All of the information on the package is also extremely sexual and doesn’t bear repeating here, but I’m sure you can imagine. My favourite part is the warning at the bottom that if the Weener Kleener becomes stuck, “soak the area with cold water”, I assume to provide the necessary shrinkage. To quote George Costanza, “I was in the pool!”  

I perused the entire catalogue and the only thing I’d even consider is the tin of “bacon bandages”, mainly because it says there’s a prize inside the container. But if the prize isn’t ACTUAL bacon, I want my damn money back.



65 thoughts on “All The Bits And Pieces

  1. Lucky I was not sipping coffee at the time I read this, because I have learned from past experience! Made my day of course. I stopped receiving catalogs and charity pleas a long time ago at this time of year. I started throwing them all in the recycle bin and I guess the message was received. I don’t have a second income anymore and sacrifices like the ones above have to be made.
    Loved it as always. S!🎅🏻

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I look forward to your post every week. I laughed so hard at all of these. The weener kleener one though omg I died. Thank you so much for sharing these today. 🙂 Am going to reblog this on The Wonderful & Wacky because it needs to be shared. Have a great day Canadian neighbor! 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  3. At first I thought the elf with its bum exposed was the worst thing I’d see. Does it make farting noises? Do I even want to know? When I was a kid some friends of my parents got this weird thing they hung over an internal door in their house. It was an old woman’s face with a necktie hanging down. You pulled the necktie and a stream of water would shoot out of the mouth at you. Then the face would let out this wicked cackle. It was actually kind of funny but I could never figure out why anyone would pull the necktie. Then I got to the soap. And that’s pretty disturbing.
    But the flying screaming monkey? There’s so much wrong about that. It should have a little fez and a cape and wings and it should also be green. Not all monkeys wear capes.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Oh man we had a catalog here like that back in the day, although I can’t quite remember the name of it. It was probably the same company, because the pant less garden gnome sounds familiar. Oh I remember now, it was called Hot Topics Catalog.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I don’t have to wonder why your home was targeted by this catalog as a “shoe-in win.” (“She’s got 14 broken clocks, she’ll love our catalog.”)

    The Wicked Witch of the West stands in the open high window of her gloomy castle. She lifts a furry bundle from a box at her feet, inserts her taloned fingers thusly, stretches the poor creatures legs to near snapping and looses the screaming flying monkey, followed by another, and another. “And don’t come back without the dog!”

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I asked my niece and nephews for a “top secret” Christmas list and received i list much like this one in return – items cut out of a catalogue and scotch taped to the paper, like a ransom list for Santa. No weiner soap, but I’m tempted to include it, I think it would be quite popular with the boys…and of course Ella would not want to be left out.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sign me up for a flying screaming monkey!
    My 3 year old asked me for a ‘flossing sloth’ the other day, I thought I’d misheard her but no, there is a toy sloth in existence that does the floss dance when you press his nose…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Deep guffawing here. omg. Could there be anything more repulsive than beard baubles? I’m pretty disturbed by all the weird beards that are popular.

    Was it Peter the Great of Russia…? Yup. “In 1698, Emperor Peter I of Russia instituted a beard tax to bring Russian society in line with Western European models. To enforce the ban on beards, the Tsar empowered police to forcibly and publicly shave those who refused to pay the tax.” I can’t help it, when I see beards I think of the illustrated world history lesson I had at school. These factoids never do go away. As usual, I digress.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh. My. God. I am so happy to be back in the blogging world for this post alone. 😂 I have so many thoughts. Not sure which item I find more disturbing but I am leaning towards beard baubles. No. However, the Weener Kleener is rather unsettling. Thanks for the laugh, Suzanne, and for bringing these brilliant items to my attention. Amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

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