Monday: I ponder things that are like other things
On Monday, I was really excited, because I’d gone to the drug store and discovered that a particular vitamin company was now making “gummy” vitamins. They’re multi-coloured, and taste just like gummy bears, and I thought, “This is the best of all possible worlds. The first thing I get to do when I get up in the morning, even BEFORE I eat my Corn Pops, is have some candy. And it’s all perfectly healthy!” I NEVER used to take vitamins before, on the grounds that they tasted bad (except for Vitamin C tablets, which taste like oranges, or just like the baby aspirin they had when I was a kid. I used to sneak baby aspirin every so often because they were so delicious–I could fall off my bike and bleed half to death because my blood was so thin, but it didn’t hurt at all), and I didn’t really care about thiamine or niacin or dioxin or whatever. But now, I take them every day because it’s so much fun.
And it got me thinking about a) other things that are like things that would make me happy, and b) things that SHOULD be like other things. So here is my list:
1) If you’ve ever flown, you know that your seat cushion turns into a flotation device. Which begs the question (which I think I heard first from Jerry Seinfeld) ‘why doesn’t the plane just turn into a cruiseship if it lands in the water?’ I know this is totally possible, because my first favourite thing which is like another thing is a bus that turns into a boat. We went on a bus tour in Ottawa a few years ago, and after we’d driven around for a while looking at the Parliament buildings and such, the driver suddenly announced that we would also be cruising the harbour. Then we drove down a ramp, straight into the river. I was totally freaking, but Ken was like, “Don’t worry–the wheels turn into propellers and there’s a ring underneath that inflates.” I responded very calmly with “F*ck off, you liar! We’re going to drown!” and Ken said, “They ADVERTISED this. Why are you acting all surprised? Don’t you remember?”, but I reminded HIM that first, I thought they meant we would get OFF the bus and get ON a boat, and second, I may or may not have been drinking the previous evening when he pulled out the brochure and was waving it around, saying, “This will be fun.” And you know what? Once I got used to the idea that my bus was now a boat, and the bus driver was now a sea captain, I really enjoyed the whole experience. T, of course, remained calm throughout the whole experience. Or maybe he was bored. Mainly because the tour consisted of just looking at buildings. But still, the bus-boat was very cool.
2) Canes that become swords. Okay, technically, they don’t BECOME swords, they just have swords in them. But it would be awesome to be hobbling around, all decrepit-like, then suddenly whip out that sword like a superspy when the need arose. I also love canes that double as flasks for alcohol, because who DOESN’T want to crack that bad boy open when no one’s looking? It would have made my bus-boat trip a hell of a lot more interesting, that’s for sure.
3) Sporks. This is two handy things in one–a spoon and a fork. Take it one step further by sharpening the plastic up, and you have a sprorfe, a spoon, fork, and knife, which I just invented. Actually, this might have been invented first by a prisoner, who stole a spoon from the canteen and turned it into a weapon to shank his cellmate with first, then eat the guy’s pie and ice cream after. Criminals value their dessert, am I right?
Okay, so I’ve listed some things that are already other things, so here are some ideas about things that I WISH were other things:
1) Protein shakes that taste like Bailey’s Irish Cream. Wait, does Bailey’s actually have any protein in it? If so, we could just cut out the middle man, drink the Bailey’s, and then go work out. Many years ago, I had a recumbent cycle, and I used to pour a big glass of wine, turn on the TV, and cycle for a few kilometres. It was like hardly exercising AT ALL, and I broke even on the calories.
2) A small TV that looks like a book. This is so all those stupid Facebook memes about “positive people versus negative people” will stop judging me. How is watching TV one of the characteristics of a negative person? Unless all you watch is Criminal Minds, the Republican Debates, and Two and a Half Men? Me, I like my PBS, which is essentially the same as reading a book, only without the eye strain. Plus, I put on the closed captioning, so I AM reading. Suck it, Facebook.
3) A pen with a Tide White Stick on the other end. This is great for people like me, who are fairly clumsy and wave pens around for emphasis, inevitably getting ink on their clothes. But see, with my invention, all you’d have to do is flip the thing around, erase that blob, and you’re good to go.
4) A laptop that repels mosquitoes. A long time ago, Ken had an Ipad cover that smelled like black liquorice. Whenever I wanted candy, I’d just smell it and my craving would be over (of course, NOW I just eat vitamins). Why can’t laptop companies create a lid that’s injected with citronella? That way, you could surf the net outside in the summer, and not swell up from bites or die from absorbing DEET into your skin. Can you hear me, Apple? Who wouldn’t want to buy shares in that sh*t?
Ultimately, I am the QUEEN of multi-tasking. Whether it’s eating, drinking, working out, or just relaxing, I’ve got an app for that.
Tuesday: The serial killer upstairs strikes again
So if you read my essays on a regular basis, you’ll remember that I’ve had an ongoing issue with the person who lives above me in Toronto. He likes to hammer. Not like MC Hammer, which would be fun and cool and very ‘pantsy’–he likes to hammer things in his condo. I’m convinced that he’s building a secret room in his unit to stash his victims until he bores of them. The last time he was hammering, the concierge stupidly told him that I’d complained about it, and he came to my door to “negotiate a schedule”. He claimed he was “laying a floor”, and I apologize for the copious use of quotation marks, but I had trouble believing him, since he’d been making these types of noises for a long time, and I’d complained on three separate occasions. Let me just say, for the record, that my building is pretty sound-proof; I never hear anything from the units around me, so he must be really going to town for it to even register down in my unit. Anyway, the other night, he woke me up around 4:15, hammering sporadically until 7:00 am. I’d like to emphasize that these condos are barely above 600 square feet in dimension, so how many f*cking renovations do you need to do, d**chebag? And if you’re that bored at 4 in the morning, you could watch TV, or pleasure yourself. Or pleasure yourself while you watch TV, if you have those ‘special channels’. At any rate, the next day, I called the building manager and left a message. I’m terrible at voice messages, and I left something that was very lengthy and convoluted, and in retrospect, probably sounded a little diva-ish, so I ran it by my work partner:
Me: I called the building manager and left a message.
L: What did you say?
Me: Well, I just explained the situation. But I said the guy “seemed to have a penchant for nocturnal home renovations”.
L: Oh my god, did you actually say, “a penchant for nocturnal home renovations”?
Me: I know, right? I got flustered, and it just slipped out.
L: How does THAT just slip out?
Me: My brain’s on overdrive. I’m really tired from all the f*cking hammering.
L: You should have just said THAT.
The next morning though, I got an email from Colette, the manager, telling me that she’d sent the guy a “Notice of Noise Violation Letter”. Then I got worried, because he’s going to know it was me. But Ken installed a chain lock on my condo door the last time he was here, and just because I’m Canadian doesn’t mean I have to open the door in the first place if he shows up again. I can just pretend I’m not home. And it’s been pretty quiet since then, which I hope doesn’t mean he’s laying in wait for me in the parking garage. If anything happens to me, you’ll know who to look for first.