My Week 49: The Canada/US Wall, Titus Tells Us His Real Name

Monday: Something there is that doesn’t love a wall

I get all my news from Facebook, I’m not ashamed to admit it. Mostly it’s stuff from Buzzfeed or The Poke, so yes, pictures of kittens and fun quizzes, but every once in a while, one of my friends posts an actual news article that gets me thinking. On Monday morning, someone posted a link to an article about this dude who is running for the Republican candidate-ship thing down in the States, which I guess is like being the leader of a party here in Canada. And unfortunately, when I say “a party”, I don’t mean like an excellent party where you play drinking games, eat pizza, and may or may not end up losing your shoes. I mean a political party. The same type of things might actually happen in a political party, but the booze AND the shoes are WAY more expensive. And the pizza has truffles and sh*t on it. Anyway, this guy is the governor of Wisconsin, which I imagine is like being the premier of Manitoba or something, and he’s apparently trying to earn street cred with his followers by suggesting that he will build a wall between the U.S. and Canada. I don’t know a lot about American politics aside from what I see on late night talk shows, but I know that he’s in direct competition with another guy named Donald Trump. By the way, I should tell you right now that the word “trump” to me will always mean “bowel movement” thanks to my English mother (“Do you need to trump, honey?” “Oh my god, Mom, we’re in a public bathroom!”). And from what I’ve seen of Donald’s campaign, “Trump” is just about right on. But it seems to me that the Republican campaign so far is just a “one-upping’ of stupidity. First, Trump (heehee—I will never NOT laugh at that) proposed that there should be a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, which he said the Mexicans should build and pay for. It’s a cunning plan, I have to admit, but I don’t think the Mexicans are that stupid. They spend a lot of time trying to sneak into the States—don’t you think if you let them BUILD the wall, they won’t also include hidden tunnels and access points that they DON’T tell the Americans about? If the whole point is to keep the Mexicans out, how will that help? (Sidenote: why does Donald Trump want to keep the Mexicans out so badly? Every time Mexicans in the States are referenced, it’s almost always as illegal WORKERS. Not illegal hobos and panhandlers. Some people say that Mexicans are taking work away from REAL Americans, but I don’t see real Americans lining up to be maids for rich people, or clamouring for jobs as itinerant farm workers.) Also, Donald Trump wanted to call this brilliant idea “The Great Wall of Trump”, which is both hilarious and disgusting all at the same time, considering what I was taught about the meaning of that word. As a side note, I should tell you right now that my complete experience with Mexicans is with Mexican Mennonites, who settled up here in Ontario, look like Abercrombie and Fitch models, make amazing food at their restaurants, and are generally hardworking, nice people. Which I also believe that regular Mexicans probably are, too. So isn’t all this wall-building just bizarre fear-mongering? What I think is happening ultimately is that the Republicans are in a battle for the “Most Outrageous Idea” crown. Which brings me back to the wall between Canada and the U.S. I’ll tell you right now that if Scott Walker wants a wall between us and him, I don’t have any real objection, as long as the Republicans build it themselves—Canadians are NOT stupid people either, despite the fact that Stephen Harper has been our Prime Minister for a gazillion years. But in our defence, he has really nice sweater vests, and when you live in a cold climate, that can be very enticing. At any rate, if there is a wall, I think WE would actually benefit more that the Americans. No more drugs and guns crossing our border is the first thing I can think of. But how are WE a threat to THEM? I can only imagine that conversation:

Scott: We should totally build a 4 million mile wall between us and Canada!!
Advisors: The border is only five thousand miles, not 4 million. But why would we want to do that? They’re our biggest trading partner…
Scott: They’re all f*cking terrorists, that’s why.
Advisors: Um, what?
Scott: Plus, it would stop all those so-called “Snow Birds” from coming down here with their BLOOD MONEY.
Advisors: You mean the retired Canadians who live part of the year in Florida, contribute to the economy, but go back to Canada if they need health care because our health care system sucks balls?
Scott: Those mother*ckers!
Advisors: Sigh.

Of course, when our own Canadian defence minister was asked about this, he did the typically polite Canadian thing and simply said that he would want to “protect the largest bilateral trading relationship in economic history,” and would “vigourously oppose any thickening of the border”. I assume by “thickening of the border”, he meant “put up a crazy-ass wall”, but he was just too nice to say it like that. Personally, I have no problem with having a wall between Canada and the U.S. if it will keep OUT people like Scott Walker and Donald Trump. And Kanye West, American rapper and ego extraordinaire who has also announced that he will be also be running for President. I’ve been trying to imagine what Kanye would do to win the “Most Outrageous Idea” crown.

Kanye: If I’m elected, I will take over Canada and make my wife Kim the new queen. Queen Kim the First of Canada.
Advisors: But Canada already has a queen. Her name is Elizabeth the Second.
Kanye: Can she balance a martini glass on her ass? Because Kim the First can.
Advisors: That’s not really the criteria for becoming a monarch…
Kanye: But I’m already King of the World. Why can’t my wife be Queen of Canada? Also, I’m going to change the national anthem of Canada from whatever the f*ck it is now to “Golddigger”. How you like me now, Canada?! (drops mike)
Advisors: Sigh.

Wednesday: Titus tells us his real name

Titus is a very active dog. Ken takes him for a walk every morning and every night before bed, and he still has enough energy to run around like a madman for the rest of the day (Titus, not Ken). He LOVES going for a walk—every time he sees the leash, it’s like the first time he has EVER seen the leash, and his enthusiasm is a little overwhelming, which makes him notoriously hard to control on a walk—he weighs almost as much as me, and he can very easily pull my arm out of its socket if he sees a squirrel—he’s like a 100 pound cannon ball, ricocheting off hydro poles, bushes, and interesting patches of lawn, sniffing away madly. Apparently this is one way dogs communicate—by smelling each other’s urine and deciphering the olfactory code it contains. I don’t know what kind of messages dogs send with their pee, but it MUST be more exciting than “I had asparagus for dinner” or “Someone forced me to eat beets yesterday”, which is pretty much all that humans learn from THEIR toilets. The other way dogs communicate is by barking hysterically at each other—I can always tell which route Ken and Titus have taken by which other dog in town is having a sh*t fit. Who knows what they’re telling each other. Maybe they’re gossiping—is it possible for dogs to be catty? Lately though, Ken and I have started to take a walk after dinner in an effort to exercise in the most relaxing and least strenuous way possible. At first, we were taking Titus with us, but there is NOTHING relaxing about having an insane canine tripping you continually in an effort to smell every part of the sidewalk. I finally put my foot down and said to Ken, “He already gets two full walks a day. He doesn’t have to come with us.” Ken readily agreed, and we started going out without Titus. We had to be careful because he not only does he know the word “walk”, he can also spell it. So we would say to each other, “Are you ready to go…for a stroll?” and we thought we had him fooled. But on Wednesday we came home and he was really perturbed.

Titus: Where were you?
Me: Just out back.
Titus: No you weren’t. I looked out all the windows, and I couldn’t see you anywhere.
Me: God, did you get slobber on all the windows AGAIN?
Titus: I may or may not have. I was worried about you.
Ken: We just went to the store. No biggie.
Titus: The store?!! Did you go by that house on the corner? Did you see Frank?
Ken: Frank? Who’s Frank?
Titus: He lives there? He’s a boxer? Who do you THINK I’m talking about?
Ken: I thought his name was Corky…
Titus: That’s just what the humans call him. So did you see him or not?
Ken: Well, yes, we saw “Frank”.
Titus: Oh my god! Did he say anything?
Me: Like did he bark at us? No…
Titus (disappointed): He didn’t tell you to say “Hey” to me or ANYTHING?
Me: Well, he might have given a little “wuff” under his breath…
Titus (brightly): Oh boy! This is the BEST DAY EVER!!
Me: Stop spinning in circles. You say that about literally everything. Like, remember yesterday when I got that tennis ball out from under the bookcase for you? That was also “the best day ever”. So what’s the big deal anyway?
Titus: Frank is just the coolest, that’s what. We have SO much in common—he likes Milk Bones and I like Milk Bones, he hates that yappy, blonde shih tzu and I hate that yappy, blonde shih tzu —when I told him that I got thrown in the slammer the other day, he was all like, “You do the crime, you do the time, man”, and he let me sniff his butt through the fence. It was awesome!
Me: You weren’t in jail. It was the pound. And your only crime was being dumb enough to get through a hole in the fence then FORGET how to get back in.
Titus: Whatever. Frank’s the best. Take me with you next time? Please?
Ken: We’ll see. So do all dogs have names that are different from what people call them?
Titus: Of course. You can call us what you want, but we all have our own names for everything. That’s why so many dogs don’t come when you call them.
Me: So what’s your actual name then?
Titus: Dwayne.
Me: Sigh.

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3 thoughts on “My Week 49: The Canada/US Wall, Titus Tells Us His Real Name

  1. I think your mother was right. The whole wall thing is completely idiotic, of course, The only thing I will say, though, is that if by some disastrous twist of fate Donald Trump does become president, a wall between the US and Canada might suddenly become a much more attractive proposition to a lot of people.

    • I’m not sure whether it would end with them rolling about on the floor with their hands on each other’s throats or end in an orgy of back-slapping self-congratulation. One way or another it would be an undignified and rather distasteful sight, I imagine.

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