Euphemistically Speaking

I belong to a Writers’ Group that meets twice a month. I don’t always get to go because my schedule is nuts, but they’re really nice people so whenever I can, I attend. It’s always fun—everyone gets to share what they’re working on, and do a little reading out loud if they like, which is good for getting feedback. This past week, I showed up, and there weren’t that many people sitting around the table (the group meets at a library that has cozy seating AND a fireplace so if that isn’t reason enough to attend, I don’t know what is—the only thing better would be cocktails). We did a little attendance check, i.e. So-and-so can’t be here because she’s on vacation; Bob isn’t here because he had an appointment, and whatnot. Then someone said, “Oh, Mary’s not here because her Irish uncle is visiting.” And I was like, “That’s a new one—what’s it a euphemism for?” because all I could think of was those other sayings/excuses about visits, such as ‘I can’t come because my Aunt Flo is visiting’, or ‘I need to visit the little girl’s room’, and it occurred to me that maybe ‘a visit from your Irish uncle’ meant you’re drunk or hungover or something. AND I’M SORRY, because I KNOW that’s a terrible negative stereotype and that overall, I’m sure Irish people don’t drink anymore than the rest of us. But still… At any rate, the person who said it responded, “No, her uncle from Ireland is at her house right now,” and that clarified it a little bit, although it could STILL be a euphemism, and all I could think of was Mary, prone on her sofa, waving a glass of wine merrily and yelling “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!”

And speaking of things you WISH were euphemisms, on Saturday, I was in a store looking for body lotion that DIDN’T contain coconut or aloe vera because I’m allergic to both. A sales woman was helping me scan the shelves. She pulled out a pump bottle that said, “Rice Lotion.”

Saleswoman: I think this one would be okay. It’s made in Korea, and the base is rice.
Me: (checks ingredients) It looks like it would work.
Saleswoman: Here’s another from the same company. It says ‘Snail Lotion’.
Me: What’s in it? (checks ingredients). It says…snail mucus.
Saleswoman:
Me:
Saleswoman: Um…
Me: Pass. I’ll stick with the rice.

Because I’d need several visits from my Irish uncle before I EVER slathered snail mucus all over my body.

Speaking of my body, I got a new tattoo to commemorate the publication of Dark Nocturnes. One of my favourite stories is Landscape With The Fall Of Icarus. I’m so lucky because I have an amazing tattoo guy who did this for me, and I love it:

Creative Wednesday: A Thousand Shades Of Green Story Sessions Featuring Dark Nocturnes

10 years ago when I started this blog, I was fortunate enough to connect with a lot of people that have continually supported me and my writing. One of my biggest cheerleaders has always been the incredibly talented Susan Richardson of Flowering Ink, home of her blog Stories From The Edge Of Blindness as well as her fantastic podcast A Thousand Shades of Green. I’ve been listening to Susan and her beautiful voice read work from over 40 poets around the world, as well as her own amazing poetry, each week since she started the podcast. When she decided to do a new series called Story Sessions, I thought it was a fabulous idea. And then she contacted me to ask if she could focus the first season of Story Sessions on my new short story collection Dark Nocturnes. I was thrilled, not only because it’s an absolute honour to have someone love your writing that much, but also because the thought of hearing Susan read my work in that beautiful voice, with just the right eeriness, the way she savours each word, had me over the moon. Story Sessions featuring Dark Nocturnes premiered a couple of weeks ago, and so far, Susan has sent chills up my spine as she’s read the first four stories in the collection. So if you’d like to listen to the season so far, and keep listening to the rest of the stories in the weeks ahead, here’s the link to her website again: A Thousand Shades Of Green Story Sessions . And if you like what you hear, feel free to buy Dark Nocturnes for yourself! It’s available here!

And if you want to support Susan and her writing, you can purchase her wonderful poetry collections Tiger Lily: An Ekphrastic Collaboration, Things My Mother Left Behind, and Smatterings of Cerulean by clicking on the titles!

Frankly My Dear, I Don’t Give A F*ck

As a writer, it’s always interesting when you read reviews of your work. And I say ‘read’, because most of the time, it’s someone who’s purchased your book and writes a review on Amazon or Goodreads or whatnot. Usually, people really like my books, but I’ve certainly had my share of interesting reviews, and by ‘interesting’, I mean things like “The stories in this short story collection are short”, or “the perspective in this book with two different narrators seems to be from two different perspectives”, but most of the time, it’s a pretty solid ‘great read’. I try not to get too ruffled about reviews—after all, opinions are like ani—everybody has one. But the other day, I was absolutely flabbergasted. I was at the community centre in town helping our local service club get set up for their annual charity auction. There were a bunch of us organizing the tables (and sneaking a peek at the donations, as one does). Every so often, someone local would come in to sneak a peek as well, which was fine, and we would all chat. Then an older woman came into the hall, and she made a beeline right for me:

Old Woman: Oh hi! I bought your book.
Me: You did? Thanks!
Old Woman: And I have to say, I was very disappointed.
Me: Uh, sorry—which book?

At this point, I’m thinking maybe she was disappointed because she wished it was longer, or because she hoped it would end differently, but no:

Old Woman: You know, I’m no prude, but that book had so many F words in it—I was shocked.
Me: You mean the humour book?
Old Woman: And I promised myself that if I EVER saw you, I would tell you EXACTLY how disappointed I was. That many F words is just UNNECESSARY…

And she continued to ramble on. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even think of a response, aside from “Then don’t f*cking read it!” but I was with a lot of other people that I like and respect, and I didn’t want to cause a scene. So I just walked away and left her droning on. She finally left. But it was super upsetting. I mean, to have someone come RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE and criticize you NOT for the content or style of your work, but because you dropped a few F-bombs? And it wasn’t even that MANY—I went back and checked, and there were 39 instances of the word ‘f*ck’ or its many variations in a book of 50,530 words, or 249 pages. That means I used the word ‘f*ck’ every 1300 words or so, which is WAY LESS than I use the word f*ck in real life. And I just checked, and I’ve only used it 5 times so far in this post which stands right now at 492 words, so once every 100 words, give or take, and that’s not even a RECORD for me.

I guess I was just completely blindsided by such a random encounter. I mean, I would NEVER have the unmitigated gall to go up to someone I don’t know and PUBLICLY tell them that I, a grown-ass adult, was disappointed in their book because it contained swearing. I know that some people consider swearing a tad gauche, but honestly, there are SO many bigger things to worry about in the world right now.

At any rate, the book she was complaining about, What Any Normal Person Would Do, was longlisted/top ten for one of the most prestigious literary prizes in Canada, the Stephen Leacock Award for Humour. I even got stickers to put on the front cover, so I guess the judges didn’t have a problem with my sweary nature. And if you’d like to check it out for yourself, it’s available here. Buy a copy and post a review praising my creative use of the word “f*ck”.

Or if swearing isn’t your jam, you can check out my new short story collection (yes, the stories are short and there’s no foul language). It’s called Dark Nocturnes, and if you like Black Mirror, you’ll appreciate my twisted storytelling. It’s available here.

And have you been watching Black Mirror? That first episode—OMG.

Saturday Special: My New Book Is Out!!

This is a special Saturday post for you because I’m so happy–my second short story collection, Dark Nocturnes is officially released, thanks to Jane Cornwell and JC Studio Press! Here again is the synopsis:

Step into the shadows and explore the hidden corners of existence in Suzanne Craig-Whytock’s captivating collection Dark Nocturnes, where ordinary lives intertwine with extraordinary circumstances, where the line between reality and fantasy blurs with each turn of the page. Wander through the echoing corridors of old manor houses and deep forests, explore hidden rooms and cavernous antique markets, dance with menacing marionettes and life-size dolls. Lyrical, haunting, and occasionally humorous, Dark Nocturnes is a collection of thirty-two stories that explore joy and sorrow, gratitude and grief, and hatred and desire. Open the cover, feast on the stories inside…and if you’re lucky, Mr. Death just might show up for dessert.

If this sounds like something you want to read, the link to order is below! Now here’s the background leading up to this momentous occasion as well as a special offer from me to make you famous.

As a few of you may know, my previous short story publisher, Potter’s Grove Press, suddenly announced last January out of the blue that they were dissolving and unpublishing their titles, including my collection, At The End Of It All. It was devastating, to say the least. But once I got over the shock, I realized that I had an opportunity–to take some of the stories out of At The End Of It All to form the basis for the novella I just finished writing (Nomads of the Modern Wasteland), and add NEW stories to the collection. So I did, and Jane Cornwell graciously agreed to not only publish it under her imprint, JC Studio Press, but to create this absolutely stunning cover. It’s a full collection of 32 short stories with a foreword by the incomparable Steven Baird, (author of Ordinary Handsome and Asunder, Baby), and it’s now available for purchase. And here’s the bonus: I’m working on a new novel project (the one I got the grant to write), so if you buy Dark Nocturnes, I’ll name a character in it AFTER YOU and let you choose how your character DIES (because my new book is a humorous murder mystery). Fame has never been so inexpensive!

And how do you order it? By clicking right here!

Here’s what some of my wonderful advance reviewers had to say about Dark Nocturnes:

Squirrel! Part Deux

Squirrel! for those who don’t know, is a reference to that easily distracted dog from the movie Up. And if you read last week’s post, you’ll remember that I promised to tell you what happened when we picked up the car. Well, not too much—it was pretty straightforward. The furnace had been fixed (“Yeah, I caved and got in a guy who replaced the pilot light thing”) and the dog smelled marginally better (“But the suede couch can’t be saved”) and then we drove off the lot. The next day, Ken had promised to take over the ownership for our trade-in/junker, but he called me while I was out shopping to say that the new-to-us vehicle’s engine light had come on. I agreed to meet him at the used car lot and drive him home if necessary. When I got there, Car Guy was leaning casually against the side of our SUV and Ken was sitting in the passenger seat:

Me: Hey, how’s everything?
Car Guy: So I threw the computer on it, and it’s just the thermostat. Twenty dollar part, quick fix.
Ken: So how long will it take?
Car Guy: Oh, we can get it done this afternoon, probably by—HEY! That door isn’t silver!!

Ken and I both looked in confusion at our SUV door, which was black like the rest of the vehicle, then in the direction Car Guy seemed to be looking. Leaning against the garage were several disembodied car doors. Two of them were red; one seemed like it was silver…?

Me: You mean the car door over there on the right? Isn’t it silver?
Car Guy: Nooo…I’m pretty sure that’s grey! Anyhoo, let’s say by end of day.

And it was. He’s nothing if not reliable.

In other news, on Wednesday, I made Ken take me out to the cemetery…(I love starting sentences that way, like you’re all thinking, “Ooh, what did Ken DO? What happened next?!”)…to take some new headshots of me for my new short story collection, Dark Nocturnes, which is coming out on April 5^th, thanks to the wonderful JC Studio Press. Why the cemetery? Because for some strange reason, I always look great in a cemetery—all of my best author pics are me and a gravestone. And I don’t know if that says more about the cemetery or more about me. At any rate, it was super windy and hard to get any decent pictures of me with someone’s deadbed, but we found a sheltered spot by an old tree and I think it’s pretty decent, like I’m contemplating mortality and whatnot:

And if you like this picture (brace yourself for incoming blatant self-promotion), you’re going to LOVE Dark Nocturnes, which you can pre-order for Kindle here. Last week, I gave you a sneak peek at the cover and now, here’s the synopsis:

“Step into the shadows and explore the hidden corners of existence in Suzanne Craig-Whytock’s captivating collection Dark Nocturnes, where ordinary lives intertwine with extraordinary circumstances, where the line between reality and fantasy blurs with each turn of the page. Wander through the echoing corridors of old manor houses and deep forests, explore hidden rooms and cavernous antique markets, dance with menacing marionettes and life-size dolls. Lyrical, haunting, and occasionally humorous, Dark Nocturnes is a collection of thirty-two stories that explore joy and sorrow, gratitude and grief, and hatred and desire. Open the cover, feast on the stories inside…and if you’re lucky, Mr. Death just might show up for dessert.”

Un Bon Chien

I haven’t written too much about Atlas lately, but he’s really turned into a wonderful dog. He’s very affectionate and intelligent in a variety of ways. But most surprisingly, the other day we discovered that he speaks French. Yes, the language of amour, and he’s quite proficient at it. I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready, and I was speaking French to Atlas, as one does, because I like to practice every once in a while to make sure I haven’t forgotten the basics. I was keeping a running commentary of what I was doing— “Ah, mon bon chien, tu es très intelligent, n’est-ce pas?” and “Je vais faire des pommes de terre à la place du riz” and whatnot. And then I needed some salt, so I said to Atlas, who wasn’t really paying attention at this point, having given up on getting any cookies, “Où est le sel, mon ami? Ah, c’est ici!”

And when he heard the word ‘ici’, he immediately ran to the door and started barking like a maniac, because ‘ici’ means ‘here’, and whenever he hears the word ‘here’, he assumes that someone has come to our house. I had to shush him and open the door to prove that no one was ‘ici’. But I was super-curious:

Me: Since when have you been able to understand French?
Atlas: Oh, you know. You pick it up here and there.
Me: And can you speak French as well?
Atlas: Bien sûr. Je ne suis pas un idiot. Contrairement au président des États-Unis.
Me: That’s pretty good. Your accent is as solid as your understanding of current politics. Hang on—have you been spending time with that French bulldog on the corner? Is that who’s been teaching you French?
Atlas: Among other things, Maman. Ooh la la!
Me: Take it easy there, Loverboy. Stop drooling. Thank goodness you’re neutered.
Atlas: What does ‘neutered’ mean, Ma?
Me: Oh nothing.

Sigh. They grow up so fast.

In other news, my job shadow training at the radio station went really well. It doesn’t look anywhere near as difficult as I thought, and on top of everything, one of the authors didn’t show up so to fill in the time, the other host offered to let me read from my new short story collection, Dark Nocturnes, which is currently on Kindle pre-sale with the paperback being released on April 5^th. I’m so excited about it, and the cover is incredible, thanks to Jane Cornwell, my publisher and artist extraordinaire. If you’re interested, you can find it by clicking here: Amazon

It’s already gotten some fantastic advance reviews but if you’d like a review copy when it’s released, let me know!