Bugs

Last week, my parents moved, and as part of the process, they did a lot of downsizing, which meant Ken and I scored big time. A new Keurig, a salad spinner, a TV for our newly renovated attic, a LOT of salt, a container of the best silver cleaner I’ve ever used, and a ton of other things too numerous to mention, including this:

I’d seen the picture on the box and grabbed it on the grounds that “it’s better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.” It wasn’t until later that I realized what they were called. “Sliding ROBOTS”? And I think someone at the table when they were workshopping the name got a little carried away:

Marketing Person 1: We need a catchy name for our cheap plastic product that makes it sound super-fancy and impressive to justify the price.

Marketing Person 2: What about E-Z Gliders? People love it when you turn words into letters, and “glider” sounds real smooth.

Marketing Person 1: Seriously Frank? Remind me why I hired you again?

Marketing Person 3: He’s your brother.

Marketing Person 1: Well, you know what they say about nepotism—keep it in the family, amiright?

Marketing Person 3: You know what people REALLY love? ROBOTS! Why don’t we call them “Gliding Robots”?

Marketing Person 1: That’s WAY too complicated. “Sliding Robots” is much more memorable.

Marketing Person 2: But they don’t have any moving parts—how can they be—

Marketing Persons 1 and 3: Shut up, FRANK.

And in honour of the Sliding Robot, I’ve decided to rename things in and around my house, thus turning them into robots. See if you can guess what these robots really do (answers at the end):

Wind Robot
Square Water Hardener Robot
Cat Feces Robot
Slicey Hot Box Robot
Dirt Navigation Robot
Mucous Robot
Focus Robot
Tubular Communication Robot
Beverage Delivery Robot
Small Portable Petroleum Combustion Robot

In other news, a few days ago, I was outside watering some plants, and when I bent over to turn off the hose tap, a swarm of wasps flew up from beneath the garden mulch and attacked me. One flew right in my eye, and I swatted it enough that it didn’t sting me IN my eye but on my lower eye lid, as the rest of them started coming in for the kill. I screamed and ran as fast as I could, right by Ken who asked, “Hey, what’s going on?” as I kept screaming. I beat the wasps into the house and proceeded to hold my eye under the cold tap but it didn’t help and OMG did it ever hurt! I iced it all night, but it swelled up like crazy to the point where I woke up the next morning and the view from my left eye was BLOCKED BY MY FACE. It’s better now, but I will never forget the sensation of a wasp crawling on my eyeball. Ick.

Here are the answers to the Robot Quiz:

Fan
Ice Cube Tray
Poop Scooper
Toaster
Wheelbarrow (or Broom)
Kleenex/Facial Tissue
Reading Glasses (or Magnifying Glass)
Pen
Glass, Mug, Keurig, or whatnot
Barbeque

Let me know how many robots you got right.

This will be a quick one because the book launch for my new novel Charybdis is this afternoon and I’ve been planning like crazy, buying meats and cheeses, and assorted drinks and other things so that people will be busy eating and not notice how nervous I am. I also bought 2 bottles of bubbly but because we forgot to get some in the city, I was forced to buy it at the local gas station and all they had was Spumante Bambino and it was $10.95 a bottle in case anyone is thinking that champagne is a luxury. I’d normally do something a little fancier like a nice prosecco but gas station liquor store beggars can’t be choosers.

Otherwise, it’s been a quiet week. Here are the highlights:

On Tuesday, I presented a workshop on creative writing to a class at a school that seemed to be near Niagara Falls and I was so excited because I was planning on hitting some wineries on the way back. The kids were amazing and when I was done, I put “wineries near me” into my gps and THERE WAS NOTHING. I was on the wrong side of the escarpment apparently, and came home empty-handed, having also not made the finals for that literary prize I was longlisted for. Well, not really empty-handed—I got a nice mug and a lanyard from the school.

I ordered some gluten-free licorice for Kate because she was recently diagnosed with celiac disease. It came on Wednesday and I was so excited because licorice is her favourite. I tried it. It tasted like cardboard.

Thursday: That bug is back.

Friday: I had been booked for AGES to do a reading at this one particular reading series on Saturday which meant I couldn’t do a book festival that came up on the same day that I really wanted to do. Then the reading series cancelled at the last minute, so I asked the book festival people if I could be put on a waiting list. It would have been cool to do either, kind of like a Charybdis weekend with the launch being on Sunday and all. Then the book festival got cancelled because of rain and the rain date was TODAY. And on Friday night, I got an email offering me a spot at the book festival for today but I couldn’t take it because I’M LAUNCHING MY BOOK. Could my timing be any worse?!

But then on Saturday, with big junk pickup on Monday, I made Ken take me driving around the back concessions and there wasn’t much but I got, AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD FOR FREE, a stained glass lampshade in perfect condition. So the week turned out okay after all. I’m pretty easy to please, as you can tell by both the lampshade and the Spumante Bambino.

Here’s a picture of the aurora borealis that I took from our upper deck because it’s beautiful and even if things don’t always go my way, life is still very beautiful too. Wish me luck this afternoon, and by wish me luck, I mean let’s hope that at least a few people show up and drink my cheap champagne.

Also, if you can’t attend my in-person launch and you’d still like to celebrate with me, my wonderful publisher JC Studio Press is doing an online Eventbrite launch for Charybdis on Saturday, June 1. You can register for that here!