Advertising

Lately, I’ve been besieged by the most bizarre ads on literally every social media platform, ads for things I don’t want, don’t need, and would NEVER buy. Yet the ads just keep getting weirder, as if some algorithm is testing my resolve:

Algorithm Engineer 1: Here’s a one-person bathtub. She HAS to buy that.
Algorithm Engineer 2: One-person bathtub. Bwah hah hah!
Algorithm Engineer 1: Wait—nope, she passed.
Algorithm Engineer 2: Show her one with an antique mantel clock mounted on the ledge! Quick!

But I’ve been very good at ignoring even the most enticing clock slash bathtub and I suppose I’ve infuriated the algorithm gods. Case in point:

And I have SO many questions that I hardly know where to start.

1) What the hell is it?

Well, it looks like an inflatable merman. A merman wearing a stethoscope and carrying a puppy, so a…veterinarian merman? Who treats land animals? Below, where it’s cut off, it says December Diamond Dr. P, which I assume is either a very cool rap name, or Dr. P is short for Dr. Perplexed. Which is what I am, and also the good doctor, because the way he’s holding the back of his head makes him look VERY confused about who he is and what he’s doing out of the water. (Also, how does he get to the vet clinic? Does he drag himself down the street or do people bring animals to his…pool?)

2) What IS he doing out of the water?

I don’t know but he looks thirsty and sad. Also, I can’t see the puppy’s back end, so maybe the puppy is a merdog? They have matching collars/belts so I can only assume that it’s HIS puppy. Is the puppy sick? Or is this just some clever way to pick up a date, like “Hi, my dog and I were wondering if you were free later to swim around and listen to each other’s heartbeats” or “Damn, baby, take a listen. You can’t hear anything? That’s cuz you just stole my heart” and then the dog woofs approvingly.

3) Why was it created?

No one knows. The more important questions are these—Is it life size? Is it inflatable? Does it float? Can I use it as a centrepiece in a really crazy fountain in my front yard? Because THAT would be a terrific addition to our neighbourhood.

4) Is the person who created it insane?

ABSOLUTELY. YES.

And the most important thing is that I wrote all of this before I investigated and discovered what December Diamond Dr. P really is because I wanted the element of surprise for ALL of us. Can you even begin to guess? It’s a CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT. He is 7 inches tall and you can buy him on Amazon for the low, low price of $63.22. Of course, if you’d rather pick a different merman, because there’s an ENTIRE COLLECTION, you can also get a firefighter merman, or this cowboy merman riding a horse. I have no clue where that stick goes, and frankly, I’m just fine not knowing.

My favourite part is that in the item description under theme, it says “Religious”. And the best thing of all? Now that I’ve spent so much damned time researching these things, I can’t wait to see what the Algorithm Engineers send me next…

It’s been yet another one of those weeks where the days seem to blur into each other, and where the highlight was receiving a conference call before 7:30 in the morning from a colleague who had butt-dialled the entire team. Cue several confused voices all worried that something major was going on, but all we could hear in the background was the sound of someone getting ready for work. Because I’m me, I posted a gif in the team chat a while later that said, “When you pocket-dial the entire team…” with a picture of Hugh Laurie from House going, “Oops” (I didn’t say butt-dial in the team chat because I’m a professional, dammit). Later, I noticed that everyone but the culprit had reacted to the gif, so I got suspicious and messaged him:

Me: Did you like the gif I posted?
Colleague: Yes, lol.
Me: You know why I posted it, right?
Colleague: No, why?

At that point, I may or may not have led him to believe that it was a video call, and he was momentarily horrified:

Colleague: What was on screen?!
Me: Well…
Colleague: Seriously? Omg???

I finally put him out of his misery and assured him that it was audio only. I can’t be too judgmental though—I’m the one who answers video calls by putting the phone to my ear, which I’m sure my co-workers appreciate.

At any rate, this week I was looking for cheap jigsaw puzzles and happened to be on Facebook Marketplace. Some of the ads are quite interesting as I’ve discussed before and, based on what I’ve seen, it occurs to me that I could make a fortune at helping people market their crap on there. So here are my four tips to making a great sale:

1) Truth in advertising

If you’re trying to sell something, it’s important that you’re honest with your customers and this advertisement is demonstrably inaccurate. There is no old ass in this painting anywhere—no elderly politician, no giant donkey, no wrinkled butt to be seen. The only ass in the picture belongs to the boar and it looks remarkably youthful. I was expecting something completely different based on the description, as you can well imagine. Also, it’s become de rigeur to set a price of $123 if you have no clue how much something is worth, yet below it says, “Sold at auction for €3000 euros which is like $4600 Canadian”. So the painting is already sold? Is this just someone bragging? Instead of sending the polite auto-message that says “Good afternoon, is this still available?”, I really wanted to send, “WTF is this?” But then I checked the profile picture of the seller, which featured a young couple who looked as though they imbibed frequently on certain mind-altering substances, and suddenly the whole thing made sense in a drug-fuelled fantasy kind of way. Still, the truth is important and this old ass painting has yet to sell.

2) Clarity

While this ad is accurate—there ‘is’ indeed two of them—the question remains: Two of WHAT? And the question remains unanswered in the description below, which simply reiterates, “There is two of them”. Did the person who posted this ad really think the picture speaks for itself? Because the only thing it’s saying to me is “There is two of them.” After that, I’m at a loss. Clarity—because none of us are f*cking mind readers.

3) Don’t get too fancy

I’ve never been to Antigue Dispaly, which I assume is one of the minor islands off the coast of Antigua. And I also don’t know how many styles of cabinets they make there, but I’m assuming at least 16 based on this ad. But is all of that really necessary? Do you really need to dazzle potential customers with your exotic Antigue wood? IT’S A CABINET. No one cares where it comes from, Bob. If it was that rare, you’d be asking a hell of a lot more than $175 so take it down a notch.

4) Be willing to compromise

This ad is a perfect example of someone who truly understands marketing. First, it’s completely accurate and honest. The ad description says “Sold” and it’s a picture of the word “Sold”. Second, it’s very clearly written and easily understandable—nothing convoluted here. Third, it’s not fancy—there’s no swirly font, and it just screams simplicity the way it’s on a piece of lined paper and whatnot. Finally, Debbra knows that her audience appreciates a good buy and has dropped the rather hefty asking price by 50% for a quick sale. This is what it’s all about, people.

I hope you appreciate my sound marketing advice, and with that in mind, I leave you to guess what this ad featuring Sir Turdalot is for (hint—he’s not for sale).