Euphemistically Speaking

I belong to a Writers’ Group that meets twice a month. I don’t always get to go because my schedule is nuts, but they’re really nice people so whenever I can, I attend. It’s always fun—everyone gets to share what they’re working on, and do a little reading out loud if they like, which is good for getting feedback. This past week, I showed up, and there weren’t that many people sitting around the table (the group meets at a library that has cozy seating AND a fireplace so if that isn’t reason enough to attend, I don’t know what is—the only thing better would be cocktails). We did a little attendance check, i.e. So-and-so can’t be here because she’s on vacation; Bob isn’t here because he had an appointment, and whatnot. Then someone said, “Oh, Mary’s not here because her Irish uncle is visiting.” And I was like, “That’s a new one—what’s it a euphemism for?” because all I could think of was those other sayings/excuses about visits, such as ‘I can’t come because my Aunt Flo is visiting’, or ‘I need to visit the little girl’s room’, and it occurred to me that maybe ‘a visit from your Irish uncle’ meant you’re drunk or hungover or something. AND I’M SORRY, because I KNOW that’s a terrible negative stereotype and that overall, I’m sure Irish people don’t drink anymore than the rest of us. But still… At any rate, the person who said it responded, “No, her uncle from Ireland is at her house right now,” and that clarified it a little bit, although it could STILL be a euphemism, and all I could think of was Mary, prone on her sofa, waving a glass of wine merrily and yelling “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!”

And speaking of things you WISH were euphemisms, on Saturday, I was in a store looking for body lotion that DIDN’T contain coconut or aloe vera because I’m allergic to both. A sales woman was helping me scan the shelves. She pulled out a pump bottle that said, “Rice Lotion.”

Saleswoman: I think this one would be okay. It’s made in Korea, and the base is rice.
Me: (checks ingredients) It looks like it would work.
Saleswoman: Here’s another from the same company. It says ‘Snail Lotion’.
Me: What’s in it? (checks ingredients). It says…snail mucus.
Saleswoman:
Me:
Saleswoman: Um…
Me: Pass. I’ll stick with the rice.

Because I’d need several visits from my Irish uncle before I EVER slathered snail mucus all over my body.

Speaking of my body, I got a new tattoo to commemorate the publication of Dark Nocturnes. One of my favourite stories is Landscape With The Fall Of Icarus. I’m so lucky because I have an amazing tattoo guy who did this for me, and I love it:

30 thoughts on “Euphemistically Speaking”

  2. barbaramullenix's avatar barbaramullenix says:

    That’s really detailed work! Watch – in 6 months there will be ads all over the place about the new, great, scientific results of using snail lotion to…..I have no idea. It doesn’t seem to do snails any good.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  8. Okay, I’m here to let you know that I use snail mucin on my face. Not pure snail mucin but in a face cream I use because I refuse to look like an 83 year old man, aka my dad. I got ALL my paternal sides bad genes, ugh. So, this face cream hasn’t done wonders but since menopause I’ve experienced both dry and oily skin on my face? Like it’s not bad enough we go through puberty and have Aunt Flo visit for the first time. Now, I go through the crap I didn’t go through the first time, oily skin and some acne. The snail cream helps balance out the oil/dry war currently going on, on my face. And I’ve seen a few wrinkles disappear. I LOVE your new tattoo, you have a genuine artist working wonders on your tattoos! And that “Irish Uncle” coming to visit is hilarious, I’d use it for sure….lol.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • I’m so sorry–I just found this in my spam! Why on earth WordPress is doing this, I have no idea! Anyway, I really want a chest piece too–my daughter just got one and I’m super jealous! I’m so glad that things are going well–now I’m off to read your article!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  11. Love the Icarus tattoo–and the story you wrote–it’s my favorite. And, here in this part of the Pacific Northwest where I live, snails/snail mucus is everywhere–never thought to use it as a lotion. Maybe when my Irish Uncle comes to town.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  12. I often suggest innocuous things people say are really euphemisms. Sometime last week I said to a friend “‘Ordering a Chicago hot dog’ is my new favorite euphemism.” In fact I think we need more euphemisms. The old ones are understood by everyone and if everyone understands it it’s no longer a euphemism. Although “snail mucus” might be too close to one already.
    And that ink is amazing. The artist really captured Icarus reaching ever higher.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  13. Don’t you imagine someone sitting around a table, watching a snail leaving a mucus trail? Looking around, they say, “Say, I wonder what would happen if we put snail mucus on our faces?” I bet drinking was involved.

    Of course, corollary to that, where are people sitting around watching a snail leave a mucus trail on a table? Probably in a place where life is so boring, people get together to drink and watch snail races.

    “It’s Friday night. What are you gonna do?”

    “Guess I’ll go down to the snail races. Maybe get some mucus. You?”

    “Probably the same.”

    Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment