Squirrel!!

Last week, Ken’s 2011 GMC Terrain finally bit the dust. It had already had a complete engine rebuild a couple of years ago, but the repairs it needed now were too expensive to consider keeping it on the road. Thus began the search for another vehicle. We didn’t want something new—Ken used the Terrain as an all-purpose trailer-hauling, cargo-carrying, dog-transporting workhorse, so anything fancy was out of the question (and as an aside, let me tell you that we can’t even SAY the word ‘car’ in our house without Atlas losing his mind—he thinks going for a car ride, even to our local hardware store two minutes away, is cause for tremendous crying, leaping, and swooning. He’s adorable, and also VERY good. He always has a safety go before he leaps in, and once he’s actually in the back, he stays put. Also, a safety go is when you pee even if you don’t need to, just in case. I don’t know if men do that, but a lot of women I know, myself included, ALWAYS do it.)

Anyway, we had to start looking for another vehicle. We test drove one—a 2017 Terrain (but Ken was leery about more engine problems), and then we looked at a 2015 Chevy Traverse. We’d pretty much decided on the Traverse and headed to the car lot to move forward on it, but no one was around, so we headed next door to a different car lot. There was a fully loaded 2016 Dodge Journey there, and after test driving it, we decided it was the right vehicle. So on Thursday, we made an appointment to put down a deposit and fill in the paperwork. And that’s when the fun started. Because the guy who owns this lot—he’s fairly young, and very nice and smart, and COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. This is what went down:

Car Guy: Hey, good to see you. I stink. My dad’s dog got sprayed by a skunk and my dad doesn’t smell so the dog went all over the house and do you know how to get skunk out of a suede couch because the dog was laying all over it and—hey, it’s really cold in here. (gets up and leaves the room). I don’t think the furnace is working, which is weird because it was fine yesterday, but who knows, anyway how much did you want to put down as a deposit?

Ken: We were thinking five hun—

Car Guy: (gets up and leaves the room and continues talking) Sometimes the thermostat gets stuck and you have to turn it off and then on again…oh wait, do you hear something, like it’s firing up? Once, I came in and it was like minus 5 in here. Wow, I really smell, sorry about that, but I couldn’t even put the dog outside because it’s so cold. (comes in and sits back down). So here’s the report on the Dodge. It’s pleasantly boring, which means it’s been well taken care of and I should probably be asking more for it but there you go. Did you want new plates?

Ken: Yes, the old ones are kind of peeling—

Car Guy: But it’s okay because I really rely on volume sales, which is why my cars are all so cheap, like I just LOVE buying stuff so if I can move things out fast, then I can buy more, You see that 2005 Toyota over there? I picked it up this morning, got two grand on it but someone will buy it—the mileage is only like 45 000k. Crazy, right? Hey, do you think the exhaust pipe for the furnace might be blocked?

(At which point, he and Ken go outside to investigate while I sit there shivering in my winter coat. After a few minutes, they come back and Car Guy is carrying an empty Tupperware container. It’s not clear why. It never becomes clear.).

Me: Did you find the pipe? (Ken shrugs).

Car Guy: No. Maybe. I’m not sure. Anyway, I think I’m just gonna have to put the dog in the shower with some of that stuff, whaddaya call it?

Me: Skunk Off?

Car Guy: Yeah, although that might smell worse than the skunk. Does it sound like the furnace is on yet? (leaves room to fiddle with thermostat). Anyway, let’s get that paperwork done (phone rings). Hello, Honest T’s. The Journey? Sorry, man, it just sold, like literally just now, but hey, I have a 2012, come on by and see. (hangs up). Wow, you guys have great timing. If you could just initial here and here and sign here…okay now we have to go into the other office where the debit machine is, but it’s warmer in there. I just have to go to the bathroom first because I’m seriously dying. Hey Ray! Can you get the ladder and go onto the roof to see if the furnace pipes are up there? Be right back guys.

We were there for over an hour, just to sign some paperwork. But I can’t complain because it was the most hilarious hour I’ve spent in a long time, just listening to him. We pick up the Journey this coming Thursday, so I’ll let you know if he still smells like skunk—and if he finally got the furnace going.

37 thoughts on “Squirrel!!”

  1. barbaramullenix's avatar barbaramullenix says:

    WOW! Squirrel for sure! Hope the new truck is reliable! Sounds like there was way more caffeine in that guy than anybody should have in a single day. Is there such a thing as Skunk Off? I thought tomato juice was the only option. I’ve got to say, your life and acquaintances are far more interesting than mine! No wonder your blogs are so fun.

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  2. I saw the title and the photo in my reader, then kept waiting for the part of the story about the squirrel! I think you’ve learned some tricks in marketing from Honest T’s!

    As for “safety pees,” that’s the first time I’ve ever heard of that concept. I don’t know about men in general, but I can’t just empty the tank on command. I’ve gotta actually need to go. And then need nobody else in the restroom with me…..

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  4. You’ve found your go-to car guy, haven’t you? We typically go decades between car purchases so we’ve never dealt with the same people twice, which is a shame because some have been really nice. The guy who sold us our current Honda bought our old one for himself. He also told us he’d just bought the big hot dog stand the dealership had in the lobby. The dealership was getting rid of it because apparently free hot dogs weren’t selling as many Hondas as they hoped. He also pulled stuff out of the dumpster. But I’d definitely go back to Honest T’s just for the entertainment.

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  5. We used the word “party” (a twist of the word potty). In the mornings, before our walk in the woods, I’d urge our yellow Lab with “party large”. She knew the drill.
    Cars… The price for freedom.

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  12. We love the movie Up and it’s not unusual to hear my husband yell “squirrel” to see how the dogs react. LOL! They love a good chase when they see one at the farm. I’m glad you had a good car shopping experience. We should all be that lucky.

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  15. gj923's avatar gj923 says:

    Did he mention Skunk Off first, or did you tell him about the the homemade skunk smell remover recipe you have?

    I was preparing in advance because there was a family of skunks living under a house nearby. In the US they sell a product named POOPH, and you had also previously given me your recipe, luckily, I have never needed to use either. Too bad it won’t work on our current majority government. Take care.

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